the Watchtower guide to sex.

by stan livedeath 32 Replies latest social humour

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  stan livedeath

  It occurs to me the GB probably dont have much experience when it comes (!) to marital sex guidance, so i think its only fair and reasonable we should put together a few hints to help them publish a suitable guide.

  It is well known a lot of JW's get married in order to have sex, and all to frequently the marriages fail, possibly due to sexual problems, so the Watchtower Guide to Sex should prove to be very worthwhile.

  Any JW courting couple intending to get married should be allowed to have a copy of the guide, and should only be available by a special order through the body of elders.

  Copies are NOT available to any single bros and sisters.

  All and any advice in it must adhere to bible principles, and certainly no salty language or smut will be allowed.

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  So--to get this started--and in no particular order--here is my first suggestion:

  Positions for sexual intercourse:

  there is only one biblically approved position for sex..known in the world as The Missionary Position. This takes place under the bedclothes ..in darkness. ( more to follow..)

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  over to you guys and gals, feel free to participate.
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  Still Totally ADD

  The guides are this no holding hands at the meeting during the prayer. Someone may think you are wanting sex. Before going to bed for sex you need to read the bible and pray first then you can only kiss in a loving way no and I mean no passionate kissing. NO oral, anal or mutual masturbation. If one does succumb to this go directly to the elders and give complete details on what you did. Only have sex to produce a child but it's better you don't have any children. If one does give in to sexual passion with ones mate make sure you pray throughout the copulation and only in the missionary position. Have fun! Still Totally ADD
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  stan livedeath

  hey STADD no need to cover it all in one paragraph.
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  Slidin Fast

  Stan, I think you've covered everything we need to know. Nothing to see here.
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  Still Totally ADD

  stan thanks for pointing that out. When I get something in my mind to write I seem to forget using paragraph. One of many weaknesses I have in writing. Still Totally ADD
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  Aussie Oz

  Damn, there goes the threeway...
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  stillin

  Another thing which must be considered is the having of sexual relations in a spontaneous manner. Andre, a pioneer and elder, said this, " my wife and i discussed this and we realized that if we simply gave in to the urge to have sex any time we wanted, we weren't any different than this sex-crazed world. So we decided that we would set a certain time aside every week for us to enjoy our marital privileges. This is in harmony with the principle found in Corinthians 'let all things take place decently and by arrangement.'" He went on to say that after a long day out in field service, Jehovah especially blessed such a union, once a week, and the "three-strand-rope" would not be easily snapped.
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  iwantoutnow

  The JW guide (which my wife fully adopted for almost the entire sex starved marriage)

  NO ORAL, not for me or for her.

  NO NO NO ANAL (what I wanted most).

  Sex position missionary or spoons.

  NO Dirty talking or her touching her clit or boobs to help things along.

  No mutual masterbating.

  No loud grunting or anything that would make you think she liked it.

  NEVER get a sex manual, cuz what do you need that for.

  No porn of course.

  In the dark preferably.

  Even when trying to have kids, sex 1 time a month is optimal.

  In the end, after decades, I got 2 months of good sex before everything fell apart.
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  stan livedeath

  here we have a photograph of a happily married christian couple..he an elder, both pioneers, enjoying their marital relations in the approved missionary position:

  

  remember--its in the dark with the light out.
• 

  stan livedeath

  here we have a photograph of a happily married christian couple..he an elder, both pioneers, enjoying their marital relations in the approved missionary position:

  

  remember--its in the dark with the light out.