BIRTHDAY WISDOM Magnum Opus
I was born 2 years after the end of WWII.
Everything was in black and white.
Harry Truman was President.
Mahatma Gandhi was the spiritual leader of India.
By the time I was 5, a new-fangled invention called Television
was sitting in our living room.
I watched Howdy Doody, Boston Blackie, Rootie Kazootie, Space Patrol, Romper Room, and ate brains and eggs for breakfast.
It was the beginning of the Cold War.
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In the 20th Century, technology would invent amazing things.
DURING MY LIFETIME:
Escalator
Helicopter
Robot
Radio Telescope
Radar
Jet Engine
Electron Microscope
Atomic bomb
Laser
Space shuttle
Compact Discs
Cell Phones
computers
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In Medicine
Polio Vaccine
Antibiotics
Chemotherapy
Pacemaker
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Other Inventions
Safety Razor
Vacuum Cleaner
Neon Lights
Zipper
Toaster
Microwave Oven
Transistor
Ballpoint Pen
Cellophane
Chocolate Chips
Tea Bags
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My favorite toys were:
Mr. Wizard Chemistry set
Mister Potato Head
Slinky
Two cap pistols (Stallion 45 six-shooters)
Bullwhip
Throwing knives
Archery set
Lasso
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SMART ASS OBSERVATIONS
1. When I was very young, I felt like a male trapped in a female body. Then...I was born!
2. AGING GRACEFULLY - slowly looking worse
3. THE I OLDER GET - the earlier it gets late
4. YOU’RE TOO OLD - when you tell somebody your age and they no longer say,
“You don’t look it.”
5. Looking in the mirror at 75 is like looking at the news. I know there are going to be new developments I won’t like.
6. AT MY AGE, when faced with temptations - I choose the one that will get me home before 9 p.m.
7. I probably should have married an archaeologist. That way, the older I got the more interesting I’d become.
8. Being a young kid is about the embarrassment of forgetting to zip up your fly. Well, being old is about hoping you remember to unzip it.
9. Some say you lose your mind when you get old. What they don’t tell you is that you won’t miss it very much.
10. As I now look back and remember all the nice people I’ve lost along the way…
I think maybe I shouldn’t have become a tour guide.
11. My favorite restaurant is that Chinese buffet where they charge me full price and then act surprised when I ask for the Senior Discount. (Every single time.)
12. How am I aging? Like a fine banana.
13. Somebody told me the nurses in retirement homes give the men Viagra pills every night. Yeah. Keeps them from rolling out of bed.
14. With great age comes wisdom.
For instance, I now see clearly Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It's a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that caused 6 deaths.
15. When you’re young, you do stupid things because you don’t know any better. Now that I’m old, I do stupid things just to feel like a kid again.
16. Regular naps prevent old age; especially if you take them while driving.
17. What’s it like being 75? Life is like entering your e-mail address with a TV remote.
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FAVORITE QUOTES:
“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.”
– Clarence Darrow
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“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”
– Arthur C. Clarke
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“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
– Billy Sunday
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“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”
– Casey Stengel
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“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”
– Emo Philips
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“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles M. Shultz
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“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'”
– Conan O’Brien
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“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was
no match for me at kickboxing.”
– Emo Philips
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“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
– Dalai Lama
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“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”
– Douglas Adams
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And now--my favorite as well as my Philosophy of Life:
“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”
– Dr. Seuss
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If you made it this far, you've got too much time on your hands - but I don't.
Cheers!