I dont know how i can leave my family!

by BlackWolf 27 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  ssn587

  Family shuns for various reasons, have never had family come and visit me outside of my daughter's and son. It always seemed we were the ones visiting them. Never thought much about it until I spent one entire year barely hanging on to life. Not one visit no children or siblings at all. Many excuses but no visits, was living alone trying to take care of myself and eventually got better. Hung onto life for 14 months and also needless to say no one from local congregation either . Yeah being forgotten and or shunned is a bitch. Had lost 54 lbs in a two month period lived alone. My wife was in the PI with our young son and no visa yet so she could come and take care of me.

  Had a weeks stay in hospital upon arrival back in states. Two weeks later drove from Wildomar California to my home in Texas. Only people that showed or gave any concern were friends from base commissary. Had two of my first wife's sisters and their husbands living I n town

  One one occasion had to go to emergency room, called my former brother in law for a ride and he of course bitched about it and wondered why I just didn't call an ambulance. Was a 7 mile drive from his house to mine and a 9 mile trip from my house to the emergency room. This of course after my having driven him to emergency room on several occasions. Was in hospital 9 days and not one visit from former in laws. They had been in laws for one month shy of 35 years, nice family huh?

  So yeah I know about being shunned am just permanently inactive will never go back. Am returning to states for a few months in April and won't see children as they want nothing to do with new wife and their new 4 year old brother. Yet they complain that its been over two years since they seen me. Well its going to be even longer, their choice not mine.

  You just have to suck it up, do the best you can, and live YOUR life, not the life others want you to live. Lost all that weight do to my body not absorbing nutrition.
• 

  Daniel1555

  You seem a very loving person, caring for the feelings of your parents. That's wonderful.

  Focus right now on your education, to be able to live once on your own and be financially stable. Make strong friendships with loving and caring persons who are no JWs (there are many).

  Don't be sad for your parents if you leave home to be on your own. That's just normal, also that your parents might be a bit sad and would wish that you always remain their little girl. But their little girl is adult now, which means freedom for you to make decisions in your life. You ARE always their girl, and there should be a loving bond between you and your parents for all your life. At least try everything in your power to do that.

  You can fade, get disfellowshipped or disassociate. I think no matter which way you choose, your parents will realize that your faith changed. Of course that would make them sad, but they will cope.

  I had open discussions with my parents about all the things in JW land that I couldn't deal with anylonger (blood, shunning, child abuse, cruelties committed by Jah in the bible ...). Finally I was disfellowshipped because of my differing views. It made my mum sad, but she learned to accept, that I have to live according to my conscience. I still have a normal and great relationship with my parents. They don't listen to the shunning rules, because they don't approve of them too. Of course I was lucky. Other parents react differently.

  I suggest you to live YOUR life, be happy and joyful, try hard to do good (maybe use your freetime that you get from not doing field service to do volunteer work for helping others, furthering human rights, animal rights, whatever you like) so your parents see that you do good even though you are not doing jw stuff. Form new friendships and allow love in your life.

  Every parent needs to learn to let their children make their own life decisions. Also I need to do that one day (my son is 3 years old now).

  I am sure your parents will learn that too and will be proud of you as you are a very loving and caring person.
• 

  Heaven

  Wolfy, you will eventually grow up and get your own place. You already know that this religion is not for you. This doesn't mean you have to lose your family. If you don't get baptized, they can't DF you, therefore, your parents don't have to shun you.

  I am an example of how you can still maintain a relationship with your family but not be a JW. It CAN be done. It's not easy all the time. Remain kind and loving but firm. Even if they withdraw from you, keep in contact. You can do this a number of different ways now with technology being what it is. I always called Mom and Dad on their birthdays and Mother's and Father's Day. They'd always say 'Oh we don't celebrate this' and I would say 'I know. I just wanted to say Hi and see how you're doing as I was thinking of you'. :0)

  Never let this religion win.

  My Mom has been gone for close to 12 years. Now that my Dad is ill and in a nursing home, I am having to go through and clean out their things. I found a 'sewing kit' that my younger brother had made our Mom for Mother's Day years ago. It looks like a large match book but inside is a needle and some different coloured threads. As a JW my Mom, who didn't believe in Mother's Day, kept this Mother's Day home made gift from her son.
  
• 

  blondie

  Your parents have some responsibility. I can't believe that they don't wonder about the flip flopping of the WTS but are afraid to tell anyone.

  jw parents are told that there is window of family responsibility, that is you benefit if one or both of you parents are witnesses, you survive even if you are not baptized and are considered to young to make a personal decision. I think they know you have long past the age of responsibility and if Armaggedon came today, you will most likely be destroyed forever in an unbaptized state. Leaving in a baptized state is even worse.

  You can fake it, though it is harder for males, more is expected of them. Getting married to a nice jw girl and having babies adds more problems to leaving.

  Can I understand, yes, my mother only was a jw, not dad; but whether jw or not as children our friends and family our whole social circle revolve around their lives. So now is really the time we become adults and start making our own social circle. I started at work and found some wonderful women that supported me with the problems in my family, ones that jws never helped me with. I have friends that listen, support, and wonder why they don't hear from me one week and call me. I made goals to be financially independent and go to school. It has been 45 years now since I was 17 and started my first job with the feds. I have learned that friends and loved ones are not determine by DNA. I have confidence you will too.
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  Finkelstein

  I always held to the thought that if your wanting to leave the JW religion, the best way is to quietly fade away on the simple premise that you cant believe in it to the fullest extent to carry on .
  

  I did this with not saying a word about it to my parents, really not a word against it.

  That worked out pretty well for myself and for my other brothers who did the same.

  Something to think about. ????
  
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  Dagney

  We were never encouraged to develop our own individual goals and wants in order to live the life we are meant to live. So it feels weird to focus on ourselves to find that information.

  But that is what it takes to live the life you should live...and not how others, (parents, WTBS), say you should live. Living fully your own life will give you a happy life.

  Hurt will come, 100%. But the hurt comes from seemingly well intentioned others trying to make you stay in the box they think you should be in. If they were not so intent on that, there would be no hurt.

  It's part of the journey but it is so much better if you start it while you are young. Be reassuring and confident with your mom, and maybe she will give you room to fly.
• 

  dontfitin

  Did I miss if you were baptized? My daughter 17 just a few months ago told her dad that she doesn't intend on staying a JW after she is 18. She is not baptized (thank goodness...) Dad is still a believer, I am not but still attend.

  Of course it has been hard. Hardest of all for my daughter is that she loves her dad, and knows that he wonders if he was a bad father because of her not wanting to stay at the KH. But... because dad is a good man, he recognizes that she has not been happy for a long time. That is because she has been pretty honest with us about feeling left out, feeling pressured, never feeling good enough. He knows she hasn't been happy, and there is a part of him that very much wants her to be.

  There have been lots of discussions, stressful but necessary. She has shared with him that he really did teach her to love God, and to try to be a good person, and that will always be with her. She just has to find her own way, and she doesn't plan on running amok to do so.

  We have worked together to set parameters of what is acceptable or not in our house. Dad is not expecting her to continue going to meetings, and he is aware and prepared to take the flak for that from the elders. He does expect her to still adhere to some basic values - no drinking, no drugs, no blatant sexual activity that he has to confront. We are working it through. If she doesn't want to honor those, then after high school graduation she needs to start making some plans. She won't be kicked out, but understands that won't be best here and she will need to find her own place. Otherwise, she can stay here as long as she wants/needs to.

  Just wanted to share that it doesn't always end with a kid getting kicked out. Real love sometimes wins out.

  Good luck!
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  LisaRose

  Your parents made their own choices in life, which may or may not have been the choices their parents wanted them to make. You too have the right and obligation to make your own choices, even if that brings them some pain. You can and should make it very clear that you love them and appreciate the fact that they raised you, but that you cannot do something that you don't believe in, it wouldn't be right and it wouldn't be a life of integrity. Hopefully they will understand, but even if they don't you must live your life. It will hurt them some, but they will get over it, just as every parent has since the down of time.

  I have raised two children and while they didn't always make the choices I would have, I understood that they had to find their own way in life, just as everyone does, and I love them and respect their right to make those choices. Your life is yours to live and I can assure you that if you stay out of obligation you will come to regret it when you are older. It's a great big world out there, with all kind of opportunities, so never limit your self because of what others may want, you are the one who will live with the consequences.