Looking for experiences from those who are married with kids and have dissacociated

by UnshackleTheChains 19 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  Crazyguy

  I did a stopped going to meetings as I research and was waking up also work kept me busy. talked to the elders a bit about a couple of subjects and was going to DA. Changed my mind , was publicly reproved and went to one or two meetings after thAt then quit. My wife was thinking I was going to come back until a friend told her I told her that I was fine do to some things I learned. I don't remember if I told the friend this exactly but may have told her about all the child abuse.

  Know one comes around and only speak to me if they have to. No friends at all. They came around for the wife to support her for awhile but that has died down. The wife and kids go to most meetings. I'm treated pretty much like the odd man out and I don't matter much to the wife anyway.

  If I were you if you can't wake up the wife and depending how old the kids are I would stay in and try to wake the kids and even the wife over time. Bible study showing problems as well as going over the history of the cult I think can help to wake someone up.

  Writting to others is a waste of time they make excuses even if your points are valid.
• 

  UnshackleTheChains

  Thanks for replies everyone

  Crazy guy.

  If I were you if you can't wake up the wife and depending how old the kids are I would stay in and try to wake the kids and even the wife over time. Bible study showing problems as well as going over the history of the cult I think can help to wake someone up.

  This is the strategy I am working on. I have pointed out so many things to her, she is awake, but in denial (cognitive dissonance). In fact my Mrs mentioned something to her Freind when I was there. She said she didn't initially want to mention it as 'knows what I am like'.

  I can't give exact details of what had happened as might give myself away as it involved people from another hall. The upshot of what she told me highlighted just how very unchristian 'some' elders are, ie power mad, divisive, unloving, uncaring, arrogant and controling.

  I mean, my wife and another sister try to do a good a really good deed and are prevented because some power mad elder says no.

  What's more, the same thing happened in our own hall regarding something the sisters were trying to arrange and the COBE told them they were unable to do so explaining his reasons why. The sisters quickly found out the guy was actually lying. Unbelievable!

  I told her and her friend the above, because they both knew it was true. The so called spiritual ones are so caught up in their own little bubble they don't realise they are actually stumbling people
  
  
• 

  pale.emperor

  Okay. so how are divorces happening when someone leaves the borg? That is not a scriptural ground.

  Well we all know the only reason a JW can get a divorce. My ex and i are separated. But since leaving me for simply not believing that Stephen Lett and co. are going to be kings and a priests with Jesus i've taken care of that issue and she can now seek a divorce... many times over
  
• 

  Giordano

  The best fade is moving. When we statred our fade we were living in my Mother's house (Moved there from the distant KH where my wife and I served where the need was great).

  We kept things low key and attended a different KH. When we missed a meeting we told them we had attended at my Mother's Hall. After about 6 months of laying low we finally got an apartment in a larger city and that was the end of being a JW for both of us.

  I learned after a while that no one was really interested in the why and how come you left the 'truth'. It was best to let old JW friendships lapse unless they were fading.

  By mutual unspoken agreement we stopped socializing with any of our usual friends and stopped arguing about doctrines with family.

  In those days, mid 1960's, the Society and local congregations weren't hell bent on punishing folks who left.....and stayed gone. Even if you wrote a letter DAing yourself you weren't shunned....more like ignored. The shunning started in 1981 because of the Raymond Franz situation. The WTBT$ was out to get Ray and wanted him to be thought of as a serious apostate.

  So it was the Society that changed the rule that made DAing as serious an offense as being DFed. Which meant shunning. Even down to using the same statement "SO and SO is no longer one of JWs". That is the trigger to start shunning. You were now in the same company as DF JW's who had committed serious sins and crimes.

  So you'll have to ask yourself if you want to be looked at as a serious sinner or someone who is decent who opted out with out making a big fuss.

  I always recommend simply fading. As the Searcher says just tell anyone who asks that your dealing with some personal issues and if you need help you'll let them know.

  Your fall back position if your hard pressed to meet with the Elders is to tell them that you have been stumbled by the sexual child abuse that has been exposed by the Austrian Royal Commission especially their investigation into the JW religion. If you don't know about that please Google it.
• 

  carla

  If you are deemed a 'a spiritual danger' to your spouse they may recommend a separation which most likely would lead to a divorce anyway. I think in most cases elders won't flat out say 'get a divorce' but they imply it would be best and let the jw think it was their own idea or rather that of the evil ubm who doesn't love jah.

  Do whatever you can to protect children from this cult. Let them play sports, music, art, etc.... let them be normal so they can avoid lifelong mental, emotional and spiritual traumas. AND so that one day they won't shun you.
• 

  stan livedeath

  emperor--

  taken care of that issue and she can now seek a divorce... many times over

  
  

  fill yer boots son!
  
  
• 

  jambon1

  It's a very long road for them unshacklethechains.

  To have a wife that slowly wakes up is very rewarding in the end no doubt, but believe me when I say, I went through 10 years of my own wife defending the religion and at the end of that we almost lost our otherwise very loving and healthy marriage due to her unswerving loyalty to the cult. If you have much patience with your wife and/or an acceptance that she'll potentially NEVER be completely free from it then you'll be ok. I think generally we just don't want major upheaval for ourselves and our families.

  For me, that religion has literally destroyed my life & despite things working out for us just now, there were things that went on in our lives at the bad stages that I deeply regret and mostly blame on the religions influence.

  I now realise that my fading has caused (quite rightly) many witnesses to question their own beliefs due to my influence and interchange which I would've hated to have been denied. Had I disassociated I would've forgone that. My long term voice would've been silenced.

  Why give them that power? Disempower THEM. Be what you want to be with a freedom of speech that they'd otherwise shut down.

  You don't need to be a badge carrying rabid apostate to influence people. You can do so kindly & subtly. I should know. I've done it for 12 years now.

  The other option will silence you completely. Disassociation will even shut down your dialogue with family, never mind friends.

  You need to think carefully and consider all these factors.

  Above all - do what feels right to you. And if you have a faith, know that it'll be respected and valued by those who matter in your friend/family circle. As much as I don't personally have faith, I truly respect those who have it. Not the destructive JW version of faith. But the kind that benefits the individuals who have it and treasure it.

  Stay cool my friend! ❤️
• 

  UnshackleTheChains

  Above all - do what feels right to you. And if you have a faith, know that it'll be respected and valued by those who matter in your friend/family circle. As much as I don't personally have faith, I truly respect those who have it. Not the destructive JW version of faith. But the kind that benefits the individuals who have it and treasure it.

  Hey Jambon,

  Thanks for your kind words. It's funny, but my brother is an atheist and have had some lengthy discussions around religion. The point you mentioned above is exactly what I explained to him. Ie there is nothing wrong with having a Christian faith...as long as it is harming no one else. My brother is sickened by the impact this religion has had on him personally...and he isn't even a witness. Yet the reverberations of the actions of my over the top die hard jdub mother has done the damage over the years to our family. My own sister tearfully told me how isolated she felt growing up as witness, because she wasn't encouraged to mix with other children. She ended up with depression as a result. As soon as she turned 18, she left home to travel. She was so desperate to get away from the religion. I only found this out recently.

  My niece who is a happy go lucky girl told me several months ago at a family gathering how she met a 'really nice handsome brother' who had been visiting her hall with a group. She arranged to meet up with him that weekend with others as he showed an interest in her. She added him to her face book. The 'very next day' she got a pm from him explaining how he had been asking questions about her spirituality and said that there was no point progressing the relationship any further. I had to control my anger and said to her that people like that make me sick. I told my wife later about it and how it completely pissed me off. If my niece was going out like any normal girl, she would be snapped up by some lucky guy. A really nice girl, with a lovely personality, yet treated like trash because she ain't jumping high enough for a literature corporation.

  This religion has created such a culture and most of it's members are so deluded they can't see the impact their actions are having on the people around them.
• 

  Crazyguy

  Bottom line be careful, a friend of mine wife separated from him on grounds he wasn't spiritual enough or taking enough of the lead. The elder were on her side. He was later dfd because he told them he had a friendship with a female friend at work , nothing physical but they said it was unbecoming of a Christian. So in the end they let her do what she wanted and dfd him for doing nothing!
• 

  zeb

  No

  yes

  na

  no

  na

  yes

  yes

  and yes well I faded as I did not wish to put hurt on anyone nor give any of the self righteous class the pleasure of having my name read out.