Toblerone5 that meme with the matches on twitter was hilariousšš¤£š
It's been a long 9 years Lloyd Evans / John Cedars
by Newly Enlightened 11530 Replies latest watchtower scandals
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Vintage
llubrevlis2000, I completely agree. Iām gone from Watchtower, but nothing in Watchtower is the fault of Jehovah and Jesus. I miss my old friends, but they would ātell on meā to the elders in a heartbeat. Iād like to make a video for the deaf, but that would look funny with a paper bag over my head. Lol.
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Las Malvinas son Argentinas
Here is what I wrote down in shorthand:
Posted before the show:
āOver the last few months Iāve been exploring various passions that Iāve felt unable to pursue. One of these is standup comedy. On February 22 I was invited to take part in an open mic event at a large venue in Zagreb. I decided to use the opportunity to talk a bit about my Jehovahās Witness background. Please brace yourself for some colorful language. Thankfully Tibor has been gracious and bleeped out the swearing to make my performance a bit more YouTube-friendly. I hope you enjoy the showā
The comedy routine:
Iāve had a weird experience just before coming to the stage now. Someone said touch my rat for love. I donāt have any rat song unfortunately this will be a rodent free performance. So uhm yeah, my name is Lloyd and I live in Zagreb. (mild applause) Thank you, not a bad place you have here. I like it. But Iāve lived in Croatia for THIRTEEN years. Most of that time I was in Sisak (cross talk, you can barely hear him) which as we all know is a really hot tourist destination. I meanā¦ Iām confused as to why we donāt see more videos promoting it. Uhm it has three rivers that flood a lot and it has an oil refinery you can smell for miles around. Itās absolutely fantastic, really good place to live.
Uhm, the thing Iāve struggled with since coming, because I am English of course, is (says something in halting Croatian which gives him some decent applause). So, what we need to know is about English people, we have this reputation about not knowing languages and not learning languages and not being bothered to learn about languages and the reason for that is itās part of our culture. You know, we donāt learn languages. What we do is we invade other countries, and we make them speak our language (laughs at his own joke, gets some laughter and applause). And the idea is that the more countries you invade the more people will speak your language so that you donāt just need to speak it anymore and look this is the results [sic]. And I have tried learning a little bit of Croatian and mostly I rely on word associations, so I learned the word Kalka. And Iāve tried to be sure it is in my head and the football of Kalka who, towards the end of his career was a bit shitty. (scattered laughter) So thatās how I remember things.
Similar story with Sveti Duh (Croatian for Holy Spirit) so when I first (laughs to himself) so when I first came to Croatia, I was a Jehovahās Witness. (indecipherableā¦ sounds like āyour thoughts?) And Iām not anymore, I am an atheist. (audience clapping, obscures his next line ā¦so you are laughing in Croatia(?)) I thought you were all Catholics? Iāve been missing from. So yeah, Iāve learnt the word Svetti Duh because it creates a really interesting mental image of a sweaty dog. Thatās how I remembered it, and I was really disappointed because recently I learnt that would not actually anatomically work because dogs do not have any sweat glands and it destroyed the whole process for me.
And, so yeah, recently we had some really bad news as Brits. Our Queen died. (someone cheered and Lloyd looked and laughed). I just like to say that to hear the reaction and over here we had a āwooā and a round of applause, well done, your Queen died! I am actually an anti-monarchist, Uhh I find the whole concept of being born into a position of ridiculous power hilarious. Uhm, when she died, uhhh she, you probably, you might have seen on the news they have like miles of people, kind of like a line of people, millions of people going round London in a queue to go and see the coffin, not her, I mean she was in the coffin, we assume, we donāt know. Could be anything in there! And if I were the Queen, I would just for a practical joke, have it in my Will, put a dildo in there. I want there to be miles of people snaking round London to see a box with a dildo in it.
A few things I struggle to get my head around, about Zagreb in particular, uhm, I think you guys have too many shopping malls. I mean you guys have a lot of shopping malls. And the issue I have with them is that theyāre all pretty much the same. We all have DM, and Muller, and Deichmann and H&M and every single one is the same, and I think after awhile what might happen is that there will be so many shopping malls in Zagreb that you will reach a critical mass and all you will need to do is kind of knock through the walls between them to make Zagreb one giant shopping mall. Weāll be like, so which part of Zagreb do you come from? Oh I come from the information desk. Thatās where I feel this is going and of all the shops in shopping malls, the one that confuses me most and irritates me most is Elipso. Which I call the cathedral of despair. Because I do not need to be stopped from stealing a fucking SD card or a data stick by a piece of glass where they, excuse me Iād really really like a data stick, can you unlock this pathetic glass door for me. (clapping) And then they are never there, they are never there to open the glass door because they donāt give a shit about that stuff they are bothered by the fucking LED TVs. If you want someone at Elipso to serve you, because they, they do not give a shit about all of that stuff, if you want someone to serve you, you go to where the TVs are, and they are kind of prowling around (Lloyd walks round the stage imitating a suspicious employee). They are fucking Jurassic Park velociraptors. And then theyāll pounce on you because they think āAhhh now Iām going to sell a TV.ā And then you say, āCan I have a data stickā. Really fucking [ā¦]
So yeah, uhm Iāve mentioned before that I used to be a Jehovahās Witness and Jehovin svjedok and you just said what? I promise you I did, itās, this is being recorded, I can prove Iāve mentioned that before. (laughs at his own joke, rubs his hair) Yeah, I, I left when I came to Croatia because I was uhm, going to the meetings, they call it a (airquotes) Kingdom Hall. Thatās like a church, and I couldnāt understand a word of what was being said. And like in The Matrix, that scene where they pull the jack out, it was like (makes a move pulling something out the back of his head) oh shit, I am in a cult. (laughter and applause) What do I do now? What am I going to do? And there so there I am in fucking Sisak, this English guy, wondering how the hell he is going to get out of a cult. So I did the only logical thing which is set up a YouTube channel which now has 108,000 subscribers to explain why itās a cult. And uhm, thank you, and if you want to check it out, itās my name, Lloyd Evans, please add to my subscribers because, what the hell, you know? Uhh but uhm you should be warned some of the content in there is of a sexual nature. Not involving me, involving their twisted rules about sex and, there are so many rules that you grow up with when you are a Jehovahās Witness, itās like you are not allowed to fuck anyone outside of your religion, you are not allowed to fuck anyone who is your gender, you are not allowed to fuck anyone that you are not married to, you are not allowed to look at porn, and you are not allowed to wank! You are not allowed to masturbate and what is funny is that parents have to have this conversation, which I think all parents have that at some point about sex you know. They have to have (airquotes) the talk and Iām still scarred by āthe talkā that my dad had with me which was actually while we were doing preaching. And going round through door to door and in between, we went down some alleyway and he, he started talking to me about what boys do in the changing rooms at school. And he said, you got to know, Lloyd, that some times at, when you are at school in the toilets, some of the boys might touch their willies. And when they do that, and their willies go big. But you shouldnāt touch your willy, and you shouldnāt touch theirs. And that was pretty much the conversation, so what that did was, because I had no idea what he was talking about, but I was paranoid from that point forward that if I even just slightly touched it, it would just balloon in size like one of those ramps that they have on planes when you need to jump off the plane. Itās likeā¦ (makes a poof sound for when the air ramps deploy). And they just fill the room so thanks for that dad, uhm, and I obviously did end up wanking and then feeling bad about it. Uhm, so yeah that who I am, Iām Lloyd Evans, and Iām an ex-Jehovahās Witness and I live in Zagreb and you have been an amazing audience. Thank you very much.
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Las Malvinas son Argentinas
I am with slimboyfat, the audience was rather polite. They seemed to have given him a chance and were really pleased when he tried to speak Croatian to them.
But the routine got worse the further he went into it. I think people were genuinely curious about who he was and what he was doing in Zagreb and he indulged them. He took a few jabs at Sisak which the audience loved, and also took a few jabs at his own country and the Queen. The joke about putting a dildo in the Queen's coffin was rather lame though.
Where it failed was when he started introducing his JW background, made a joke or two about it and then dropped the subject entirely only to pick it up again at the end of the routine. The shopping mall monologue that followed was very lame. He spent a few minutes complaining about Zagreb being one huge shopping mall and the electronics store Elipso for placing items like SD cards and data sticks behind glass. Fairly pedestrian stuff, and I think the longer he dwelled upon this was the beginning of him losing his audience and they started tiring of him.
The last part where he goes into being a JW was the worst segment by far and he'd be well advised to drop it entirely. He surprised me when he advocated for his channel like these people at a comedy club are really going to want to hear about him talking about JW doctrine on YT and subscribe. Does he now know what comes up when you search "Lloyd Evans" in a YT search box? The few who are actually going to look for him are going to find out A LOT about him. Not a good idea to bring up his channel and advise them to search for him.
It was funny when in the final part of the JW segment, he really lost his audience when he speaks about the rules about sex in the JWs and how he started wanking. Jesus, he really is obsessed with this shit! He said it twice "you can't wank... you can't masturbate!". Isn't that redundant? You can start hearing chatter in the audience as they returned to their drinks and their company. They had lost interest and probably didn't want to hear this guy go on about wanking so much. When he got to his dad speaking to him about sex in field service this was really over, and he seemed to recognise that and terminated the routine abruptly.
If doing "stand-up" is helping him therapeutically, then that's great for him. But his routine and especially his content required the audience to actually have an existing connection with him, like they would if he was a famous comic already. But this won't become a career for him and it's probably what the ladies at Studio Smejiha noticed. He doesn't have the talent or the content to hold an audience and they probably advised him that open-mic night was better suited for him.
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Vintage
Reading the last part of the transcript, I now understand the meaning of something being ācringeā.
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Toblerone5
I bet my life that Lloyd James Evans will steal jokes and pass them off as his own!
I think you are right. When I read LMSA shorthand : we donāt learn languages. What we do is we invade other countries, and we make them speak our language...
I went on Youtube and found this video...https://youtu.be/QhMO5SSmiaA
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ForeverAlone
I went on Youtube and found this video...
Now that was funny!!! I about peed my pants!!!
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Vintage
Will Lloydās Father read Lloydās version of āthe talkā his Father had with him? His Father is still living, isnāt he?
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Vintage
That was a nice video, Toblerone5. The fellow put a lot of thought into it. I did, however, have to set the speed at .75 to understand him.
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Las Malvinas son Argentinas
A shorter summary would be thus:
Iām Lloyd Evans and Iām English. I have lived in Croatia for 13 years and most of them were in Sisak. I donāt like it there, I like Zagreb. English people donāt typically learn other languages, but here is a Croatian sentence Iāve been practicing to say to you. We donāt learn other languages because weāre colonisers.
The Croatian word āsveti duhā sounds like āsweaty dogā. Thatās how I am learning Croatian. But dogs donāt sweat.
I donāt really like the Queen or the monarchy but if I were her Iād have ordered a dildo to be placed into the coffin instead of my body.
I was a Jehovahās Witness. But Iām an atheist now.
Zagreb has too many shopping malls. I really hate Elipso and its policy of placing data sticks behind security glass.
Did you hear that I was a Jehovahās Witness? I stopped being one in Croatia because I couldnāt understand Croatian. I started a YouTube channel to get myself out of the cult. Please subscribe, my name is Lloyd Evans. But Jehovahās Witnesses are a cult and have all these strict sexual rules. I donāt like them. I like to wank. They didnāt let me masturbate but I did anyway and felt bad about it. My dad told me not to touch my willy and to not touch the other boyās willies. This made me afraid my willy would get too big and fill the room.
Thank you and goodbye.