by Darkknight757 10 Replies latest social family
So my wife is really nervous about having lunch with her mother today. She is an Über-Dub who is always asking probing questions as to our spirituality.
I think she knows that we are fading out. She brings up all the classic horror stories of those who leave. She asks about our new hall. She always wants to talk about "the truth."
What can my wife do? She's pretty nervous about this lunch.
Why not simply cancel? Or you cancel for her - "something's come up". I know my husband stood up for me in a very uncomfortable situation, and I appreciated it so much and I think he enjoyed being able to help.
Understand what you are going through as I am suffering the same. It's all going to depend on how important fading out is to you and how much you guys can actually handle when it comes to "pretending."
I am to the point where it has become increasingly hard to lead anyone on that I am still going to the hall (we did the switch to new congregation bit) simply because as more time passes- the stronger I have become outside of this sick cult. Yes, sick CULT.
Avoidance becomes almost impossible- so you have to be strong in the conversation. Dominate it with POSITIVES on your life and the world around us. Talk about the amazing things science has done or something they cannot argue. Use logic and just steer the conversation around every nosey question.
Keep researching during your fade and stay strong. Hope it all goes well! You are not alone thats for sure!!!
PS) remind your wife to not let her emotions get the best of her and to simply be herself. We have every reason in the world to be confident on our stance!! The power of what is RIGHT is truly in your court- use it and have no fear of them!
So my wife is really nervous about having lunch with her mother today. She is an Über-Dub who is always asking probing questions as to our spirituality.
I think she knows that we are fading out. She brings up all the classic horror stories of those who leave. She asks about our new hall. She always wants to talk about "the truth."
Sounds exactly like my mom. A few things I've learned help:
1. Fill the conversation. Rather than allow her to fill the conversation with probing questions, be proactive and fill the conversation yourself with lots of your own non-controversial questions about work, health, vacations, relatives, friends in her congregation you know. Basically keep her so busy answering all your questions about how Cousin Unemployed, or how old crazy Sister Fibromyalgia is doing, she can't ever find a firm foothold in the conversation to start picking away with those probing questions. DO NOT ask her about her Regional Convention, service, meeting, etc. (or anything WT related), since it will open the door for her to ask you the same question.
2. Redirect. If she does manage to sneak in a statement to steer the conversation in that direction, form your reply in a way that ends the topic and changes the subject. Example:
Mom: "I just loved that last symposium at the RC!"
You: (with feigned interest) "Oh, that's great to hear. So glad you enjoyed it! That reminds me, how is Sister Chronic Fatigue Syndrome holding up these days?"
3. Give closed end responses to questions and redirect (see #2 above). When asked any of the typical questions asked by parents trying to passive aggressively assess the spiritual health of their adult children (e.g., "what did you think of this week's WT study / yesterday's daily text / the JW broadcast from June?", "did you have any good return visits this week in service?, what did your congregation have for Local Needs this month?), give responses that directly and fully answer the question, but are vague. (e.g., "The WT study/text/broadcast was good as usual. By the way, that reminds me, how's Br. Chemical Sensitivity doing these days?"
If all else fails...
4. Stand your ground as an adult. If it's a question that's blatantly intrusive, call Mom on it. "Mom, I know you love me, but I'm a grown adult. I've never heard you let Grandma/Grandpa ask you those types of questions. They treat you like an independent, competent adult and I'm asking for the same courtesy. You've had your 18+ years to raise me. Trust me when I say you're a great mom and raised me well. Let's talk about something else; how are Brother and Sister Never Saved for Retirement?"
There are 3 options with a nosey JW mom (I have one):
1. Lie
2. Tell the truth
3. Avoid (physically, verbally or a combination thereof)
All of the above carry consequences, so she will have to decide which consequence she can live with. If she isn't clear on a strategy yet, then I would strongly recommend cancelling or postponing lunch. Mothers have a way of getting to their daughters in a core shaking way. 😉
Mom: How did you like the assembly? How's your field service going? Did you read that article in the last Magazine about...
Daughter: I don't want to come off as being overly touchy about this but I notice that whenever we are together you ask me a lot of questions that lead me to believe you are worried about my spirituality or my relationship with Jehovah.
Mom: Well yes....I am worried that you might be getting spiritually weak.
Daughter: I appreciate your concern for me Mom but you do realize that an individuals spirituality and their relationship with God is personal thing and asking those kinds of questions, sort of comes off as if you are monitoring that relationship. Its so nice when we get to talk about day to day things and you treat me as someone who is capable of managing her own life.
Mom: So I'm not supposed to talk to you about anything having to do with the TRUTH?
Daughter: I don't mind you want to tell me what you've been doing but you have to let me do the same, if I chose to. OK? Here...try some of this new salad dressing....it's wonderful !
Mom: You're my daughter after all and I want to make sure you're doing ok.
Daughter: I know you do Mom, but there comes a point where youre just going to have to trust that I am able to handle that myself, just as you'd do for anyone else, OK? (smiling) So how's your Salad....is it everything you hoped it would be ?
Thanks for the suggestions. I think my wife doesn't like confrontation so she would rather avoid the subject and honestly I don't blame her. It's her mother after all.
I told her to tell her mom to mind her business. 1thes 4:11. I know she means well but we are almost 40 years old now. Honestly I think we got life pretty much figured out by now.
My mom was increasingly aggressive and pushy in her questioning, so I finally stated, " Spiritual matters should be left between me and God, where they belong."
She sniffled but dropped it. I could hear her blowing her nose, and I felt badly about it, but things have been better.
This book saved me in dealing with my toxic mother. It is worth a read. I eventually cut off all contact with her because she was always destructive....I waited until I was 48 years old. People are like that jw or not.
https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407
