The long, boring, and pointless story of CZAR - with happy ending!

by czarofmischief 35 Replies latest jw experiences

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  acsot

  Wow! What a great, fascinating post! How are your parents reactions towards you now? Do they have any contact with you?

  As 6of9 stated:

  Instead of being able to recognize the spiritual emptiness for what it was, however, I was convinced that it was somehow my fault, my fault for not studying the Society's publications enough, my fault for missing meetings to work in the theater

  I certainly went through that. I'm so glad that you got out, although in a soul-demeaning way through the judical committee process, at a much younger age than I am now. You've got lots of years ahead of you to practice:

  I'm absolutely determined to be a good man, a good husband, and someday, maybe, a good father. (I'm practicing this with my cats.)

  Cats will definitely let you know how you're doing!

  The elders seemed... detached. Although I had been at every meeting for two years, had auxiliary pioneered, had tried to be a model Witness, the elders said that they didn't really know me that well.

  I've been in a congregation like that also. And these are supposed to men of God, the princes in the new system who will handle bringing earth to paradise? Unbelievable arrogance.

  It is a measure of the ludicrousness of a corporate religion that the elders in Jeanette had to reinstate me, when they had no measure of how I was actually doing, spiritually.

  Very well said and insightful.

  Thanks for posting this.
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  Pistoff

  wow, czar, you got me to shed a tear; that takes a lot. Thanks for your story. In it I see myself and my family.

  My oldest son was suicidal and df'd; he is okay now. I see him all the time, and he is doing well, third year in Math and CS.

  The Society, needing to justify the change in policy before a vast number of people who had set aside their personal goals to "seek the Kingdom first," said that the changing economic conditions might require higher education in order to find part-time work. The goal, however, of working secularly only part-time while continuing to pioneer for the Society, was presented as being supreme.

  Ain't it the truth; no going to school just for the joy of education, that is for sure. Might learn something that makes you think, after, and make a comparative judgement.

  P
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  wednesday

  Czar, i enjoyed your post,i always read your posts

  weds
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  DanTheMan

  It seemed like the speakers had lost some magic quality that made them tolerable. The Watchtower lessons became excruciatingly painful, physically making me ill.

  Dude, I can't tell you how much I relate to those words. Thanks for sharing your story, I enjoyed it a lot.

  If you ever are planning a trip that involves heading west on I-70, let me know and we can hook up for a cuppajoe. (I'm in Columbus.)
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  teenyuck

  All right. I left, burning with disappointment and humiliation. I had tried my best to be a Witness, but it seemed that life and God had other plans. I bounced back and forth to Oklahoma, living drunkenly and promiscuously, screwing up job opportunities and my life.

  Great post Czar. You did not screw up your life...your whole life is in front of you. You are young and can do anything. Thanks for sharing....
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  pamkw

  Thanks for writing czar. I know a little bit about bipolar disorder as my 11 year old son has it. I am so glad I am not raising him as jw. Our life would have been hell. So happy things are going good for you now.

  Pam
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  czarofmischief

  Thank you so much for all of your comments - helpful and insightful, and supportive. I was pretty nervous about actually sharing so much real information about myself. I'm very relieved it was so well received.

  Thank you all.

  pamkw - your son was diagnosed at 11 with bipolar disorder? It's very unusual to catch it so early - and by so doing you might have staved off countless headaches. Watch out for those teenage years, but you knew that. Raising him outside the borg is DEFINITELY the right decision. He has enough problems without every single act landing him in front of three judgemental old men with no education and no clue and worst of all, no empathy.

  teenyuck - thanks for the encouragement. However, it is taking time to correct the disasters, finanicial and otherwise, that resulted from all that mess.

  dantheman - schweet - I will PM you soon.

  pistoff and wednesday, and everyone else beyond range of my scrolling window to name - thanks for reading the tale.

  Love,

  CZAR

  CZAR
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  pamkw

  Czar,

  I fought for and got the diagnoses last year. He is on a truck load of medicines and after 3 long years of therapy things are better. The doctors knew what was wrong with him but wanted to wait until he was 16 to "label" him. I didn't want to have to suffer without proper meds and treatment. There was not point. So I read books and emailed doctors and forced a change. I can't stand mental health care professionals. School is starting now, and I am nervous but his special ed teacher seems cool. He is in a class of emotionally distrubed kids. They used to call it behavior disordered. I have a hard time holding a full time job as I need to be able to leave at the drop of a hat to go to school to get him when he melts down. Hopefully this year will be more peaceful.

  Pam
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  ESTEE

  CZAR....I must say....I read every word of your Story...

  It was not boring or pointless, IMHO. It was a very interesting read. In fact, you might consider writing an entire book! Your style is very eloquent and you move along at quite a relaxing and steady pace.

  Your story reminds me of a scripture that talked about feeling like a sheep being skinned and thrown about....as without a shepherd. The elders surely fit that description, don't they? Elders certainly are not qualified men, by any standard....Just because some borg appointment in in effect, does not mean they are indeed qualified to offer counsel.

  I hear over and over again, and I've also seen it in my own life, the similar theme of the failure of these LeadersTM.

  I'm truly glad to see that you view all of this as having a happy ending. I'm especially glad to see that you have a special lady in your life who is supporting you through all of your healing and growth beyond the jws. You are close to my kids' ages...and I want to see their successful escape from the borg story posted on this forum!!! I hold this vision in my heart...

  Thank you so much for sharing this.

  ESTEE
  
  
  
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  czarofmischief

  pamkw - I wish there was an easy answer. It's so hard to describe what goes on inside my head when I am melting down - I used to quit jobs, spend money, cut myself, do anything to stop / accentuate the insane agony / ecstasy that what I call the "brain fever" induces in me. The sense of power is unbelievable, you feel like you can do anything, that you have no responsibility to anyone else, and at the exact same time you feel like you aren't worth poop... racing thoughts, delusions (I used to envision myself as the antichrist, or a repentant demon that took on human form). Believe me, religion is NOT a help when it comes to coping with delusions of grandeur, especially a religion that insists on being paranoid about the world.

  I feel really bad for your son, and for you. If its any consolation, its probably harder for you than for him. If he's anything like me, half the time he's crazy he's enjoying it! It's the people who have to clean up after us that have the hardest time. God bless you for standing by him. It is important that he learns that some people will not abandon him no matter what, that some love is not conditional, and he won't get that unconditional love in the Borg. And maybe he will eventually be able to draw a parallel to the Eternal love and grace of God, who is loving and supportive beyond our comprehension.

  But brace yourself, dear, for a rough ride. It sounds like you have the "grit" to stick it out, and fight the system when you need to. I know what you mean by mental health care professionals being unhelpful. I ran through the entire medication list and six months ago they tried to just give me painkillers. So now I'm taking matters into my own hands and trying to survive without a stabilizer. My condition is mild enough, and my life situation is relaxed enough, that I can do this.

  Anyway, I've nattered on enough. Good luck! Email me at [email protected]

  ESTEE - thank you for your nice words and supportive use of emoticons!

  CZAR