My wife and I had business to attend to out of town today and I had thought if we made it back home in time, we'd go to the Memorial. As it turned out, we didn't get home in time and we missed it, but we had a real good talk with each other on the way home. We are largely successful faders and at the very least, I like to try and make the Memorial. Now I do understand there are haters, lovers, and in-betweeners on this board and I respect every one's decisions as to their views of the Witnesses. I told my wife, "Isn't it a sad situation that I have a sincere interest in worshiping my Creator, but the people have made it a very trying task to go to the point they have come between me and my Creator." Growing up a Witness has conditioned me quite severely and dogmatically to think that nothing I do is ever good enough so why try? I couldn't seem to do anything right and when I confessed over some minor things that bothered me years ago, boy did those elders swoop in and drag me into the backroom on a regular basis and of course everyone sees you going in and coming out. It just reinforced my attitude of nothing I ever do is good enough and it's a totally logical conclusion you come to when you're raised in this religion.
So now when I go to the occasional meeting, I am struck with this fight or flight reflex. I can hardly sit still and I want to stand up and bolt for the door - I physically jerk in my seat it's that bad. The times I've gone I try to bolt out right after the prayer or during the song and of course I get the cold stares and looks. I could have gone to the Memorial in the city I was in, but due to me being unshaven, dressed in my work clothes, and not far enough away to the point some people wouldn't recognize me, I told my wife I just couldn't do it due to the judging I would undergo. The religion and the people in it have caused me so much grief and torment that I just can't stand to go back. I physically suffer for about 4 days after attending with depression and symptoms that are very much akin to PTSD - trauma from being in an environment that is toxic to my system.
Sadly it has come to this, and yet I still feel that little something that makes me want to be grateful to a loving Creator and worship Him happily. So how does one go about worshiping properly when you believe most of the teachings of the Witnesses and yet can't stand the very people that are supposed to believe the same as you? It's a weird conundrum to be in and one I never thought I'd find myself in.
On top of all of this, there was a situation years ago where a well-known elder was involved in some serious wrongdoing and in the end, he didn't get disfellowshipped. I then realized it really was the good ol' boys club and people get df'd all the time for far less. The emotional ups and downs and inner turmoil that I perpetually experienced finally drove me to fade in order to protect myself and my mental sanity. Let's just say that when I don't go to the meetings, I don't have to be under the supervision of a medial doctor.
I'm curious if any of you on the board have experienced similar situations as mine and how did you deal with it? When I lay down the basic beliefs that I have proven to myself are true, it still comes back to the only religion that fits most of what I believe are the Witnesses. Is there any way possible to worship without selling out and attending a church that doesn't believe the same as me (again - what's the point?) or is there any way to worship as a Witness without having to be around the people? I guess it gets into defining what worship is and being able to scripturally prove that worship is legitimate without the hierarchy, people, and building involved. Matthew 18:19, 20 comes to mind.
Thanks for reading my post and I hope you had a great Memorial Day however you spent it.
silent