If you've left all your family and friends for "the truth" and then you realize how everything you did was for nothing, how do you just go back, especially, if it's been 25 years??? My wife is going thru this dillema right now. My daughter just went to a family member's birthday party for the 1st time yesterday and my wife feels as though she is unable to be involved because "what will the family think of her after all the birthdays and celebrations" she missed? She feels foolish for making such a stand and then trying to return into their lives 25 years later. .....Any suggestions???
How Does One Just Go Back To Family & Friends After Leaving The "Truth"?
by minimus 46 Replies latest jw friends
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TheSilence
I felt the same way when I went to my grandma's house for Christmas the first time. I felt foolish and like they really wouldn't want me there. I only felt that way because it's how the religion taught me to feel... it taught me to believe that love was conditional and that friends and family were judgemental.
Several years (and Christmas celebrations) later I told my grandma how difficult walking in that first Christmas had been for me. Her words, "You are our family and we love you no matter what, if you think we were anything but ecstatic that our prayers were finally answered and you got out of that cult you are only fooling yourself. It was one of the happiest Christmas days we ever had."
It's scary, but encourage her to walk through the door... it's so worth it.
Jackie
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Odrade
I don't have any suggestions because I'm facing the same thing. It's one of the reasons I want to DA instead of fading. My immediate family only converted when I was very small. So all of my extended family is either other religions, or no religion at all. They always have a bang-up Christmas party, and good birthdays, with cake, tree, treats, gifts, decorations, the whole 9 yards. All the rest of the family attends, just not us. Same for Turkey day.
I have never participated. I really want to this year for the first time. But because we are fading (in respect to my husband who has a large JW family to try and keep) I can't go have Christmas or anything else with them. It would definitely get back to my family, and they would be immediately telling the elders, and getting things stirred up. So I'm not sure how to get around that one either.
My family (all the non-jw ones) would be THRILLED that I got out and spent holidays with them, so I feel especially sorry that we will not, though we no longer have any objections.
Odrade
And BTW, Min, ask your wife how she would have felt when she was a faithful Dubbie, if her relatives had QUIT doing the holidays to become JWs? She would have been overjoyed that they had "come to their senses", right? This is just how her "worldly" family will feel. They will be ecstatic that she finally woke up and wants to be a full part of the family again.
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Victorian sky
Minimus, I can relate to your wife's feelings, but I'm sure her family would welcome her with open arms, regardless of the past. They may ask a lot of questions so she should be prepared for that. I'm celebrating Thanksgiving with my non JW family for the first time this year. It may get back to my Uncle who is an elder & sub C.O but as my Christian cousin says, 'The JW's had me in bondage long enough'. Anyway, the family is thrilled that I'm coming and I'm spending Christmas with them as well. I understand about feeling stupid, I had to ask some of my relatives when their birthdays were! Talk about strange but I'm sending them presents and cards now. All of my relatives had the same reaction when I told them I was no longer a JW (I did the fade) they were so happy and relieved. I was shocked that they always felt that way. It's going to take time to adjust to being normal. I don't know how Christmas is going to feel but I look forward to finding out. - V Sky
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Elsewhere
Simply talk to them and let them know of the change.
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minimus
I appreciate all your comments so far. I think she feels humiliated and cheated. Her father passed away a few years ago when he was 97( I believe). A few of her sisters implored her to go to a birthday or Christmas party before he died. Obviously, she didn't go. Her other sister recently died as well as other siblings in the last few years. She "maintained integrity" and didn't go to these parties or holiday get-togethers because she believed it all to be wrong. Now, she's aware of the "truth" but doesn't feel sure of how to proceed. I will show her this thread when I leave work this evening.
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ShaunaC
The first time I attended a family's celebration after leaving the JW's was my cousin's 21st b-day party at my aunt's house. Us girl's ended up in the bathroom discussing the situation. I apologized for my stupidity (one that I was ingrained with since birth) for all those years which kept us from being close like we were when we were little kids (my aunt was raised a JW too but left when her kids were little). I cried and they embraced me. They related how odd it was to have me there too. They had spent their whole lives almost pretending to be someone else around us JW family. They too felt wierd at now being able to break down those walls and act naturally around me, to talk about their lives, to use certain language, to drink and party in my presence. I realized we both had to adjust.
It may be uncomfortable at first, but she needs to appreciate that they will need a brief time to adjust too. However, that's not because they don't accept and love her, it just that the bond needs to be reacreated to some extent after being away for so long. But she shouldn't expect that to take too long. They are just as happy to have her back as she is anxious and happy to have them back in her life.
I wish her well!
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coffee_black
I was raised in the borg, and for that reason, had a distant relationship with members of my mom's side of the family who were never jws. I am now having a great time getting to know them. They are not judgemental, and don't hold it against me at all because I was raised in it and had no choice. With my parents dead, and having no siblings, it is really nice to have a second chance at sharing family events and the history I missed out on for so long.
I think family members will just be glad to resume the relationship you once had. Don't let the borgs' viewpoint prevent you from sharing your life with the family that is rightly yours.
Coffee
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concerned mama
Minimus,
They will be thrilled she is back. She was in a cult and is free now, and they will be happy for her. This sounds like she is "out" now, and I am so happy for both of you.
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Mr Lebowski
min, dunno if you want my 2 cents, but...the main thing that put off my family members was our "righteousness" about our beliefs. My mom was bad, but I was a little snot too (I know, hard to beleive). I have no idea if this applies to your wife's situation, and I do not attempt to tar her with the brush of my expereinces...
Anyway, for me, it wasn't just making amends for having been a righteous pain in the ass (although I did). It was also stating and demonstrating that I wasn't going to be the righteous, black-and-white, judgemental person they had known before. I was going to listen, acknowledge that I didn't always have all the answers, and be more considerate of others opinons. This was remarkably easy - as concerned mama said, they want you all back. It will depend mostly on how your wife "defended the faith" while she was an active Witness. Since my family was pretty argumentative about it, I had some fences to mend that had more to do with our communication style than about the faith itself.
Anyway, if they feel as if your wife will value them more than she did before, when she valued the belief system (I say this with all due respect, but I feel that at one point all JW's value the belief system more than non-JW family) then they will probably lovingly welcome her.
Best wishes to both of you.