Lost and Sad, Then He Found Me...

Sorry

Well, I got myself in a dilemma. I'm currently 18, being baptised for a year. I had my doubts, but due to a variety of reasons (getting subtle flack for not baptised, not having a support system even if I wanted to leave). So I did it hoping my faith would be stronger. And it worked for a while, but I couldn't keep ignoring my doubts. I did more research, and I found this religion isn't true at all. I try to make my family see that, but they offer flimsy excuses for concerns. Considering they're quite strict and I had no one, I just decided to grunt and bear it seeing I couldn't couldn't leave either way...

Until I met my boyfriend. I met him at time where I thought I could be content with faking it the rest of my life. He made me realize I didn't deserve to be completely unhappy just because I wanted to stay close to my family. Throughout our relationship, he's been completely understanding of my situation. Even introduced me to his family, who love me dearly (his own mom said she already considers me family). He isnt in the best place right now, but has made incredible strides since we started dating so, in his words, "we both can get on our feet and support each other." As each day passes, he shows me more and more of his world, a world I very much want to be apart of. Sounds great, right?

Well, except for the fact of my family. Despite having put me through a lot, I love them and don't want to lose them. One friend gave me the advice to just fade as soon as I move out so they won't have to shun me. Another said just disassociate so I can move on fully and not be harassed by the witnesses. I honestly dont know how to go about the situation. I know I'd have he support of my boyfriend and his family, but I'd like to keep my family and friends too. How do you think I should go about my exit plan? Any ideas, similar experiences? Just reply if ya do!

GrreatTeacher

You are going to lose something.

THis is not a pain-free situation, including your life right now. You are in distress trying to have everything, and you will not be able to keep it all.

NOw, after having just been brutally honest, I will tell you I chose the boy and we have been together over 2 decades.

My parents and I have a "cordial," but somewhat strained relationship. Fortunately, my sister and brother all eventually left, too, and are free of the bullshite.

Try to fade or don't try to fade, but know thyself, first. What kinds of distress can you tolerate; losing your family of origin? Losing your mind living a JW life? Losing a person who might (or might not) turn out to be the best thing that has ever happened to you?

Choose what you can stand to lose, but understand; there will be pain involved. Nobody gets out of this cult pain-free.

Pete Zahut

Hi Sorry,

I understand your feelings and can see the dilemma here but honestly I have to say that 18 is a bit young yet to be ready to send your family packing, over a boyfriend. I know you wouldn't be the one cutting ties but by choosing the boyfriend and knowing the consequence of that, you'd be choosing him, over them, in a sense.

It may be that some day if they don't soften toward you in regard to your not wanting to be a JW. you may have to make a difficult choice. Right now, insomuch as you're so young and haven't known this guy all that long, as well as the fact that you're quite torn as to what to do, I'd say you should give this more time. This isn't an emergency although at you're age, it might feel more like it is, than it would if you were 21 for instance.

A year ago you were in a place where you thought getting baptized was a good idea even though you had a hunch that things weren't all they seemed to be with the religion. You mentioned that your boyfriend isn't in the best place right now and given the fact that you've (wisely) come here for advice, I'm guessing you also may have a hunch that doing anything too drastic until you've known him a good long time, wouldn't be a good move.

Why not take a wait and see attitude....let this play out a little before you go all in with your boyfriend? I'm sure his Mother is quite fond of you but to think that she loves you dearly this quickly, might be a sign that you could putting a rosy romantic glow on this new relationship. People can love you dearly, then not love you dearly, just as quickly. I don't know the situation but the mother may well see you as the answer to her son's problems and a way to get him off her hands.Your parents for all their faults have been there for you from the beginning and it sounds like you love them very much. As JW's they have learned to be terrified of the idea of a child not remaining in their faith. It would almost be like a death to them to have you leave.

Perhaps if you get to know this guy within the framework of your existing situation and ease your parents into the realization that their little girl has a mind of her own, you can spare them much grief. It will take patience and maturity but things would be some much better if you could avoid a dramatic scene where voices are raised, doors are slammed and the sound of horses hooves over the frozen ground as someone gallops off into the night on horseback.

Iamallcool

I agree with Pete about the need to have wait and see attitude. Just live one day at a time. Take care!

millie210

I agree with Pete also.

He doesnt have any emotions involved and isnt that great when someone can give you advice when you know your own emotions could get in your way?

(not saying they are - just saying they could)

If you decide to go ahead with things, by ALL means fade dont disassociate. That keeps as many options on the table for you as possible.

Later if you want to disassociate you always can.

Im glad you are being careful and thinking your way through this. That is really good.

All the best to you!

The Searcher

Very good advice from sincere, non-judgmental well-wishers. I hope you take it, and greatly ease whatever pain will come.

Don't burn any bridges with your parents by disassociating - just gradually fade at your own pace.

As for your "friends" in the organization, they'll very quickly burn the bridges when your fading makes you appear "spiritually weak", but your parents will always be there for you - regardless of how your romance turns out.

Take things slowly, and have a good life!

stuckinarut2

You don't need to "lose" your family.

Just don't play by the witness imposed rules! If you want to catch up with your family, then just do so.

show them and all witnesses that you simply don't recognise their cult like imposed rules.

freddo

Welcome! Be careful not to "commit a DF offence" by action or word so that the rug is pulled from under you. Meeting with elders and telling them how you feel can rapidly (within minutes, even) become the basis for an apostasy charge.

Sorry

Thank you all so much for your replies, especially you Pete Zahut (wicked name btw). I'm trying to take things slowly and not do anything drastic yet (I have no plans on leaving my family's house until I graduate from university, around when I'm 21). I know to them it would seem like I'm choosing a boy over them, but really, if I never met him I most likely would've left eventually. As much I would love to be around my family and keep everyone happy, I can't live a life lying to myself and everyone else (doesn't 'Jehovah' hate liars lol). Whatever happens between me and my boyfriend, I know I can't stay in this religion.

The situation does make me sad, realizing if I had gotten baptised or not my family would still shun me if I left. I've had nights crying thinking I'm never going to see them again. It had affected my studies. Hopefully, I can build a support system with new friends at university to help me out. Thanks again everyone!

scratchme1010

Well, except for the fact of my family. Despite having put me through a lot, I love them and don't want to lose them. One friend gave me the advice to just fade as soon as I move out so they won't have to shun me. Another said just disassociate so I can move on fully and not be harassed by the witnesses. I honestly dont know how to go about the situation. I know I'd have he support of my boyfriend and his family, but I'd like to keep my family and friends too. How do you think I should go about my exit plan? Any ideas, similar experiences? Just reply if ya do!

I don't know the particular details of your relationship with your family, but once I found myself in the exact same situation (and to some degree I still do, and I'm in my 50s now).

What helped me was changing my perception of the issue, and realizing that the relationship with my family is a two-way street. It's not OK for them to shun you for believing something different. It's not ok for them to treat you differently for having a bf outside the WT.

They will be the ones making the wrong decisions and losing you over their faith to an organization that you have the right not to belong to. They too have responsibilities, and they too have the moral obligation of respecting and accepting you the way you are and with what you believe.

Discrimination based on religion is illegal for a reason, and that is, entities cannot deny you service or opportunities because of religious differences. So people who love you should know better than creating problems (and they are the ones creating the problem) because of the decisions you as an adult make.

It's not going to be easy; nor is it going to be possible to maintain a good relationship with your loved ones while not being a JW. However, holding them responsible for being the cause of disruption helps.

Those are the best thoughts I can provide. I wish I could tell you that you can leave the Wt and still maintain the same closeness to your family and friends. All I can say is, prepare to decide which kind of BS you're willing to put up with, and prepare to be shunned and blamed if you decide to leave. Also prepare a support system, better friends that can support you regardless of what your religious believes are/become.

Lost and Sad, Then He Found Me...

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