Last night was the "body viewing" at the Funeral Home for the JW whose friendship and influence resulted in my getting baptised in 1963. We weren't just friends. We had a David & Jonathan Bromance :) No seriously, we loved each other dearly.
It's only in the last 2 years he shunned me. Before that, he would sneak behind the curtain of stealth, so to speak, and we'd sit for hours each and every week chatting, reminiscing and sometimes arguing about the truth about the "Truth."
That ended, as I said, a couple of years ago and it was probably partially my fault. I had posted excerpts, thoughts, and reports on our conversations without naming him explicitly. After all, his name is John and that's pretty anonymous. But--I was wrong! Someone saw my name and the name John and put 2+2 together and came up with Johnny Santa Cruz.
He was ratted out!
To save himself (and his family's reputation, I suppose) he fabricated a reason for chatting with me. It was a reverse on Theocratic Warfare Strategy, you might say.
His front was this: I had contacted him (wrong!) and asked if he'd help me come back into the Organization (Wrong!).
He might have gotten away with that if I hadn't written details of the specifics of these conversations! When pinned down, he resorted to lies. Apparently, I was just a lying apostate making the whole thing up!
You can imagine how easy to believe that was! But, can you imagine how heartbroken I was?
I became deeply offended that he "missed his moment" to step out and step up. Well, I became embittered that my oldest and dearest friend saved his own skin.
It goes deeper than that. I won't justify my feelings except to make this statement:
I had my 'integrity' tested as a JW by going to prison in 1967. I feel like I showed what I was made of. But what about Johnny? This was his moment of integrity. In my thinking (angry as I was) I thought, "What a hypocrite for him to be holier than thou while lying about me."
Anyway, if this strikes you as pettiness on my part, I'll have no problem agreeing with you.
Suffice it to say, I still loved Johnny and thought about him almost every day.
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Johnny worked at Mt. Olivet Funeral Home as one of the Funeral Directors. Ironically, that is where his "viewing" took place.
I was dreading it.
First of all, who wants to see their best friend dead in a box?
Secondarily, I would be surrounded by JW's who have known me for 30 to 40 years.
In their minds, they have remained true to Jehovah while I got my sorry ass kicked out, and now I'm a mentally diseased Apostate.
But I would not go A.W.O.L. for the world. Johnny was my friend and I simply felt compelled to attend!
I was in for a shock!
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Before the evening was over, a dozen familiar faces from the past had not only hugged me and expressed joy at seeing me, we had long conversations filled with sweet memories and no recriminations whatsoever. I was wary at first. Were they strategically "love-bombing" me?
I soon dismissed that notion. You can feel when you're loved--you really can. This wasn't phony.
Johnny's widow I've known since she was 15 years old. She told me how much she loved me and how Johnny had kept repeating for the last two years, "I want to talk to Terry so bad. . ."
But he dared not risk it. He had been solemnly warned, you see.
I developed a sense or intuition about what was going on. This is my conjecture.
These folks, these JW's have been in it to win it for at minimum 40+ years. They have seen all the crazy changes over and over again. They have, no doubt, privately whispered amongst themselves, "What is going on with this religion?" But, having sunk so much of their life into this 'investment' they couldn't bring themselves to leave now. It is the Gambler's Fallacy of sunk costs and doubling down when you are on a losing streak!
While none of them said so, it was obvious to heart and mind, these JW's are weary but firm. They take everything with a grain of salt. And consequently. . . in this private family viewing of my best friend, there was a conscience truce.
We all silently agreed to be what we once were: beloved humans sharing a common bond--in this instance--it was Johnny rather than the Watchtower doctrine.
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The funeral is this Saturday--tomorrow morning at 9:30 A.M.
I will attend. Afterward, we are all gathering at Johnny's house to memorialize him with an exchange of "Johnny stories' most of which are larger-than-life but genuinely true.
I left the Viewing lighter than air. My heart was filled with more happiness than I've experienced in many years. It was a semi-fiction, I acknowledge as far as the "bond" because--let us face it--the Organization will not tolerate friendship between active JW's and Apostates. It is chalk and cheese with a penalty attached.
But, for those two hours. . . I was in paradise at last.
