Jokes - Revived

by Francois 17 Replies latest jw friends

waiting

Trying to follow in Lisa's footsteps:
Men are like...Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.... blenders You need one but your not sure why.
Men are like....coffee The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night.
Men are like..... commercials You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like..... computers hard to figure out and neve have enough money.
Men are like.....coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like.... copiers you need them for reproduction, but thats about it.
Men are like.... GVT bonds they take so long to mature.
***********************************************************************
LDH

OMG--best men are like coffee--they can keep you up all night.
This is one theory best left untested with me! I LOVE my sleep. My husband now knows better than to 'wake me up' LOL he got kicked several times and I threw a ROYAL hissy fitthe first few times he tried to 'wake me up'. Now he won't even wake me up in the morning--puts the alarm clock next to me. Don't wanna run the risk of bodily damage! If, however, for some reason I find myself awake at night I have the right to wake him up! This is a good arrangement for me, lol.
Side note--when we were discussing having a baby I told him "You KNOW how I feel about being woken up at night!" LOL he committed to being the night parent.
Mommie Dark

Q: what's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A: I don't know, and I don't care.
waiting

This is an actual revived Joke from this forum somewhere at some time by some body - and worth repeating:
NICKNAMES If Sharon, Suzanne, Debra and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Sherri, Sue, Deb and Barb. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out to lunch, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head & Scrappy.

EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE (so true) A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, to water the plants, to empty the garbage, to answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about birthdays, school project deadlines, dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes, because there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
LDH

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her
> > son playing with
> > his
> > new electric train in the living room.
> >
> > She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of
> > you sons of
> > bitches who
> > want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last
> > stop!
> >
> > And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get
> > your asses in
> > the
> > train, cause we're going down the tracks."
> >
> > The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We
> > don't use that kind
> > of
> > language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your
> > room and you are
> > to
> > stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may
> > play with your
> > train,
> > but I want you to use nice language."
> >
> > Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and
> > resumed playing
> > with
> > his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard
> > her son say,
> > "All
> > passengers who are disembarking the train, please
> > remember to take all
> > of
> > your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with
> > us today and
> > hope
> > your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride
> > with us again
> > soon."
> >
> > She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you
> > just boarding, we
> > ask
> > you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
> > Remember, there
> > is no
> > smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant
> > and relaxing
> > journey
> > with us today."
> >
> > As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For
> > those of you who
> > are
> > pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the
> > bitch in the
> > kitchen."
peaceloveharmony

i know waiting is the queen of quotes, but when i got this in my inbox today, i just had to post it.....
Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet.
--Robin Williams

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
--Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
that!"
--Sean Connery

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
--Robert De Niro

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't
know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the
boss's job and I don't want it.
--Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough
attention to women's breasts?
--Hugh Grant

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front
lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we
can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
--Elayne Boosler

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men
are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause
severe swelling. So what's the problem?
--Dustin Hoffman
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
--Elizabeth Taylor

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't
think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn.
Men think,"I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house.
--Rod Stewart

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.-Jeff Bridges

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time.
--Robin Williams

keep smiling
love
harmony
peaceloveharmony

here are some more funnies
SIGNS ON BATHROOM WALLS
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
-------Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" its "Hi, how are you?"
-------Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
-----Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N. Carolina
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're
going to have trouble with it.
-------Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas,Texas
Express Lane: Five beers or less.
-Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
You're too good for him.
-Sign over mirror Women's room, Ed Debevics, Beverly Hills, CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
-Sign over mirror in Men's room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
-------Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take
a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.
-------Men's room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington
Beauty is only a light switch away.
-------Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then
let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
-------Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
-------Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in
your hands.
-------Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
love h
Francois

What's the difference between a porcupine and a carload of JWs?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Jokes - Revived

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