Within a few weeks I leased a condo on the banks of the Willamette river just out side the city of Portland. I bought all new furniture and household goods so I could try and live a comfortable life in my new place. This was the first time in my life I had a place of my own. I didn't have to answer to or explain anything to anyone, I could live my life as I pleased without any judgmental pressure from anyone who thought they had the right to run my life. I could walk around my place without seeing anything that showed it had an influenced by another persons taste or belief. There wasn't a single ruffle or flower pattern in the whole place and not a single piece of Watchtower literature in sight. Except for the odd packed away piece of Watchtower literature there wasn't one thing in my house that would remind me of the life long brainwashing I once had to endure.
After getting the legal part of ending our loveless marriage on the way I started to adjust to the quiet and stress free environment of my new life. Even though I was starting to realize the freedom of never having to go to a meeting or wake up early and put a suit on to go to a Sunday morning meeting or go knock on peoples doors who didn't want me there on Saturday mornings I still felt some guilt. Thursday and Tuesday nights felt strange as I would sit alone and watch TV thinking about a life time of going to the ministry school and service meetings on Thursday and the mind numbing book studies on Tuesday nights. For a year I had the book studies at our house. I didn't like the idea but with most JW's it is a point of showing how you are "reaching out" and it made your parents very proud of you.
Even though I had figured out the JW religion was not what it claimed to be, the life time of fear of dying at Armageddon still haunted me. I missed my boys terribly and thought about them not having me to see at night and have that sense of security having their dad around. There wasn't a night that went by that I didn't miss them and there was not a night that went by that I struggled with the hardest transition of my life.
Within a few weeks I got a call from my step dad. I didn't tell him why I left and as far as he could figure I was going to continue to be a JW but divorce Korin. My parents never liked her very much and my step dad always consider her as in his words "a nut." That always bothered me. I sometimes though that if they had embraced her like they embraced my older brothers wife and made her feel more a part of our family maybe she would have felt the same back toward them. Korin always complained about my Mom being sick all the time and how she didn't seem to care about our kids as much as my brothers kids. Now it was too late.
A few days after the call from my step dad I got a large envelope in the mail. It was from my mom. I opened it and it had a letter from her and a cassette tape with the Watchtower logo across the front of it. I started to read the letter and by the second sentence it started in with Jehovah this and Jehovah that. There was no, how are you doing son or is there anything I can help you with. It was just the same old lines of preaching about never leaving Jehovah and gods organization that I had herd a million times through my life. I think I quit being my moms son once she became a JW. Every member of that cult loose their biological family tie and become first and foremost a fellow JW. Sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, grandchildren and grandparents are no longer offspring or ancestors, they are simply fellow cult members. I set the letter down and thought that this would possibly be the last time I would have any contact with my mom. I pulled the tape out of the envelope, looked at the blue silk-screened logo of the Watchtower and then tossed it into the garbage.
I had come to realize that the grip the Watchtower organization had on people was incredible and the one they had on my mom was unshakable. I think I would have eventually left the religion but the trip to Bethel accelerated the inevitable. For many years I had problems with the 1975 issue. I had heard all the talks at the assemblies that did everything but come right out and say Armageddon will definitely come by 1975. The JW leaders have the technique of saying things without actually saying it. They can make their followers believe something so strongly that make them react by piling on the reported hours on their service time slip it become evident that what they are saying was taken as fact. Their reaction to the teaching of 1975 proved that they preached a prophesy that moved people to do what they wanted and not once did the JW leaders in the middle of it tell their people they may be over reacting and to slow down. When their words are proven to be wrong by the absolute and definite reality of the passing of time without the fulfillment of their prophesy they turn on their own people and blame it on them by saying they read too much into what they said. The JW leaders come off as the real talking snake and tell lies for their own selfish and arrogant reasons and when they are found out to be liars they shift the blame to their own people. The most amazing thing about their practice of false prophecies is when they blame it on their own people, those people in turn buy into the scam and blame themselves. The rank and file JW is either the stupidest people on the planet or they are so deeply brainwashed they cannot see the truth through the blinding glare of the continually changing new light.
This is an ultimate example of total mind control and brain washing. The JW people so desperately want what their leaders teach them to be true they constantly adjust their own reality to fit the obvious and unreal mind control techniques of their leaders. The fanatic reaction to religious leaders and need to believe they are right the JW's are willing to severe ties with their own flesh and blood as well as let them die by avoiding life saving medical procedures because their leaders tell them to. That act of total mind manipulation is nothing more than mental terrorism and down right murder. The JW's rarely quote the thought from the bible, judge not less you be judged but instead constantly preach the scripture about leaving ones own child or parent if they do not agree with the teaching of their cult. Both teachings come from the same book. The importance on one over the other is the main tool use by all cults to steel the mind and hearts of their meek, humble and teachable followers. One the leaders convince their followers that they themselves are noting and their only hope is their leaders personal interpretation of their sacred books the battle is over. Their minds and hearts and very existence are lost to the whims and control of a hand full of power hungry mind and body snatchers.
Redefining the meaning of basic human emotions like love and hate is the key to controlling their followers minds. When a cult can take the most powerful human emotion of love and convince their followers that part of showing that love means turning your back on your own flesh and blood, then that cult can convince them of anything. A persons mind and life are no longer theirs, they belong to the leader of the cult. The last element of mind control used to permanently cement the thinking of their people is convincing them that anything written or said that contradicts or even slightly questions the teaching of the leaders is the ultimate evil. The one and only unforgivable sin. Any other atrocity that one human can execute on another human can be forgiven but speaking against the all powerful leadership of the cult will never be forgiven. It is the crossing of the "dead in our eyes" line.
This is why I chose not to speak up about what I knew to be true. It is not that I feared or believed in the unforgivable sin, but rather my mom and brothers and sisters and most importantly my wife did. The state of Oregon and my wife owned my kids, they just allowed me to rent them on weekends. Being disfellowshipped is one thing, Being disfellowshipped for the unforgivable sin of apostasy is another. I would keep what I knew to myself for many years and concentrate my thoughts on how I was going to try and fit into the rest of the world. Leaving the totally controlling JW religion that I have been a part of my entire life puts a person into an extremely awkward place. I was no longer a part of a psychological family or specific one way thinking tribe that were made up of the only people I knew and associated with my whole life. I was also not a part of the so called "world" that the JW cult had so protectively kept me from and convinced me are all evil people who have no concept of what real love is.
I become an isolated and socially ill-equipped member of a no mans land of permanent in-betweeness.
This is what stood before me and it was a bit scary. I didn't know any ex-JW's, the internet did not yet exist in the manner it does now. I had no one to help me that understood my social immaturity and troubling and very heavily programed mind. I couldn't simply flip a switch and say I was all better now. I would still not step foot in another church and I still thought all gay people caused the destruction of two nice cites that were the Las Vegas and Atlantic cities of bible times. I needed a brain tune up and I didn't have the slightest idea how to do that.
A few days later Kurt came by and I told him about how I was feeling. We talked for hours about god, religion, brain washing and life changes. Kurt at that time was into eastern philosophy and recommended that I rent a movie and watch it. The movie was The Razors Edge with Bill Murry. I couldn't understand why a movie starting the comedian Bill Murry would help me but I had a lot of respect for Kurt and at this time in my life he was the one and only friend I had. The next day I rented the movie and watched it five times in a row. It was a very deep movie but the humorous personality of Bill Murry still came through. The movie didn't do well because people couldn't see Bill Murry doing a dramatic role. This movie became my favorite move and still is to this day. It's about a man looking for the meaning of life. When he finds it, it is simple.
I had been in my new place for about four months now. I would get my boys on weekends and try to keep my mind busy during the week. I had started to spend more time at my heath club playing long games of racket ball and basket ball. I was starting to make some new friends and for the first time not looking at them as evil worldly people. Korin and I were battling over the details of the divorce and my attorney bills were starting to pile up. We had a court date in a coupe of weeks and I dreaded going to court. I didn't want to think about it, I just wanted it to go away. As long as I could see my boys I no longer cared what she did in her life. I felt bad for thinking that but I was also starting to realize how easy my life was starting to feel not having her to fight with all the time. My stress level was way down and I was actually starting to have a few moments in my life where I was feeling a bit happy.
One night I had just finished playing two hours of racket ball and I was getting ready to head back to my place. One of the guys who worked at the club and I became friends and he was getting off work just as I was leaving. He came up to me and asked me if I wanted to walk across the street and go the bar at the Rusty Pelican restaurant to listen to a live band he liked. Automatically and without any thought I told him I couldn't. I guess in my mind Thursday nights were still one of the down nights. I thought about it for a second and realized I did not have anything to do but go home and watch TV. I told him I would go. As we walked over I thought about my first response and how my mind was still a bit programmed into doing things related to the religion automatically and without any real thinking. It was as automatic as putting your socks on first and then your shoes. I never considered doing it different or even the possibility of not warring socks at all. I shook my head and realized I have a lot to change in my thinking and I first had to start with the things I didn't even realize I was doing.
We sat at a table that was just off the small dance floor that was in front of the band. After we sat down I realized why he wanted to go see this band. The lead singer was a very attractive lady and had a great voice as well as a few great looking other things. The bar only had a couple of dozen people in it because it was a Thursday night and somewhat slow. I had never been in a bar with a live band in it before so I was settling in and starting to enjoy myself. The music was good and the lead singer kept my attention. I didn't know it at the time but this bar was quite well known as a meat market and one of the cities main pick up bars for the yuppie set. I didn't even know what a meat market pick up bar was at the time but I was quickly being filled in by my new club buddy. Just as my friend from the club and I were talking about all of this while the band had just started a new song, I felt this hand go across the top of my back from my left shoulder over to the right and then down my arm to my right hand. I felt my hand being grabbed and I was pulled up from my seat on to the dance floor right in front of me. I looked up and to my shock was this beautiful strawberry blonde woman.
I stood there for a few seconds just starring at her. This woman's appearance just screamed sexy. My mind instantly flashed to the drawings in the Watchtower publications of the harlot riding the seven headed wild beast and now that harlot was dancing right in front of me. She was in a tight sexy dress and she had a couple of nice gold jewelry necklaces around her neck and a few gold bracelets on both of her wrists. She started dancing and moving and looking around and didn't notice I was just standing there like statue with a two by four up my butt. I was truly in a state of shock. I glanced down for a second and saw my club buddy looking up at me and laughing his ass off. He then lifted his hands up and moved his shoulders up and down as if to say to me "dance a little you moron."
I looked back at the woman and she just noticed I was standing there like and idiot. I forced a little smile and began to move my hands and arms just like my buddy lust showed me. Nothing below my shoulders moved for a few moments. I felt like I was milking invisible cows as they hung from a tree all around me. All of a sudden I could feel my butt moving to the beat of the music. I had no control over it, it seemed as if my ass just grew a mind of it's own and it wanted to boogie a little. I felt like my butt wanted to sit down then stop half way and stand up then stop and sit down and then wiggle a little. Next came my feet, I looked down and they were starting to move. I felt like the whole bar was starring at me and my uncontrollable and indecisive boogie butt. Here I was making an ass out of myself and the entire bar as well as the entire state of Oregon was watching me as I wiggling my body like my ass was on fire while dancing with the harlot from the Babylon book.
How long do these damn dance songs go? I wanted to fake a heart attack and die right on the dance floor. If I died then I wouldn't have to apologize to the harlot for my uncontrollable pelvic seizures and the ten gallons of sweat that was starting to stream down my face like a freshly pissed in urinal. This dancing stuff was a damn hard workout. Screw playing two hours of racquet ball, the key to fitness is making a total ass of yourself on a meat market dance floor. I hadn't remembered why I hated dancing so much since the day I was kicked out of my sixth grade PE class for refusing to do the Hokey Poky. I decided at a young age that no one was going to force me into sticking my back side in then stick my back side out then stick my back side in and shake it all about. If that was dancing then I wanted noting to do with it. I had much more dignified ways of making an ass out of myself. To this day, I hate dancing.
The song finally stopped and the harlot thanked me for the dance and went back to sit with her girlfriend. I sat back down with my buddy and what he mistakenly saw as some mysterious power I possessed in picking up chicks without really trying was really one of the most frightening experiences of my life. He leaned over and with a little thumbs up signal said "man, how did you do that". The truth is, I didn't do anything but go into a state of shock as I was forcibly yanked onto a dance floor. I'm sure if this is being read by any Jehovah's witness that have snuck around and read this they are thinking "the devil made him do it." I don't believe in a little pointy tailed boogie man devil, but for right now I' have to agree with them.
It took me a few minutes to collect my thoughts and settle my ass down. I looked back behind us and saw the harlot sitting with her girlfriend drinking that glass of red wine she had been pictured with in the Babylon book as she went for that horsey ride on the back of the seven headed wild beast. I was still in a little state of shock but for some reason I felt the need to go up to her and explain my convolutions. I got up walked over and sat in the extra chair they had at their table. She looked up at me, smiled, and said "Hi, my name is Sara." I looked back at her and in a very long breath said "I'm Dave and I need to tell you that Iv never danced before in my life and if I embarrassed you I'm sorry because I didn't expect to be pulled onto the dance floor and I have no idea what my body was doing." Sara looked right at me and laughed uncontrollably. She then said "that is absolutely the worst pick up line I have ever heard in my life." Both her and her girlfriend were laughing and looking at me like I had just been air dropped from a plane full of bobble head dolls headed to a local Morons R Us store. I looked back at both of them and said "That isn't a pick up line. I don't know any pick up lines and Iv never been in a bar with a band playing in it before." I thought they were both going to knock their glasses of red wine off the table from slapping their hands on it and laughing so hard. I didn't dress in the typical little Amish boy black suit and hat so they figured I had to be giving them a line.
Since I had never used a pick up line and had never sat at a table in a bar with two attractive single women I was pretty much stuck on what to say next. I looked over at my club buddy and he was giving me that stupid ass thumbs up sign again. I looked back at Sara AKA the harlot and tried to convince her that I was not lying. She wasn't buying it for a second. She then asked me what I later found out was one of two conversation starters in meat market pickup bars. She asked me what was my sign. I looked back at her and said "what sign, I don't know what you mean." This set her and her girlfriend off on a laughing spell again. She then asked me when my birthday was. I thought to myself what in the hell is she asking me that for? I told her and she then informed my that I was a Gemini (what ever the hell that meant) and she tried to tone her laughing down a little. Next was the other question that is standard in pick up bars, 'what do you do for work" she asked. I told her exactly what I did. I own a company that manufactures art materials and I also own a business that teaches art related workshops around the country and I am also the national marketing and sales manager for one company out of Japan and another one out of Europe. I also have an advertising agency that does all their advertising and collateral material, and I am an artist.
Even though every thing I had just told her was absolutely the truth I later learned that in the mid 80's during the height of the "I'm a Yuppie and I drive a Porsche area," that every thing I told her were things that every pizza delivering, used car selling, junior executive bullshitting single male with a perpetual personality erection told women. They did this in an effort to impress them right into their room mate full apartment with a Patrick Negel print on the wall and an empty can of spaghetti-O's in their sink. She not only saw what I just told her as a total and absolute line of incredible bullshit, but as the ultimate line of incredible bullshit. It had been a long time since I saw two women laugh so hard. All I could do is sit there and wonder what the hell was so damn funny. I was completely clueless and I was starting to get a little pissed off. I turned to look back at my club buddy and he and his little "at-a-boy " thumbs had gotten the hell out of Dodge.
Sara the harlot and her girlfriend started to catch their breath a bit an in a real smart ass tone of voice she said "so with all that, you're an artist too?" I said (in a bit of an embarrassed voice) "yes, I'm an artist." She looked at me and I think for the first time she could tell I had a bit of sincerity in my eyes but she had to do one more test. "I suppose you are going to invite me back to your place to look at you etchings?" I looked at her a little strange and said "Well, I don't do etchings but I have some nice painting and a couple of really good pen and inks at my place that I did, I just live up the street if you want to see them. I was damn proud of these pieces of art. They had appeared in several art books and magazines and I honestly just wanted to show them to her.
Again, I had no clue that when a guy asks a woman back to his place look at his etchings it meant something completely different from what I had just asked her. She laughed again and after her forth drink just said, what the hell, this should to be good. I didn't know then, but I do know now that she thought I was a nice guy and really funny. I wasn't trying to be funny at all, I was dead serious about every thing I told her. As we walked out to the parking lot she mentioned something about me either being the biggest bullshitter she had ever met or the most clueless and innocent man she had ever met. I didn't quite know how to take that, either way it didn't sound good. The curious look changed the second the valet pulled up with my car and I opened the door for her. I wish I had a camera at the time to capture the look on her face for life. Now she didn't know what to think.
We drove the few blocks back to my place. She didn't say much as we walked in and I took her straight to my living room. As she stood in the middle of the room I went from painting to painting and told her a little about each one. She saw the name on the paintings and asked me if that was my name. I looked back a her with a puzzled look said, yes it is, I told you that I wanted to show you my paintings. I thought she was a little nuts by now, after all, she was the harlot. She made me take out my wallet and show her that the name on my drivers license was the same name as on the paintings. Then she started to laugh uncontrollably again. In the middle of laughing she walked up to me and gave me a hug and a kiss. She said "I can't believe it, you really did bring me here just to look at your paintings?" I looked at her like she was an idiot, "yes I did, that's what I told you I was going to do, didn't I?"
Ya know, I discovered a couple of things that night, it is really hard to kiss a woman while she is laughing uncontrollably. Another is, not al sexy women are harlots, they are just sexy. I didn't expect the kiss, I didn't initiate it, but I didn't fight it either. She then said, well, I guess you should take me back to my car so I can go home. I said "OK, it is getting late," and I did just that. I dropped her off at her car back at the Pelican she wrote her home number on one of her business cards and told me to call her. I looked at her card and it said Park Avenue Tan and had Sara's name and the word "owner" under it. As she got into her car she looked at me funny again, laughed and just shook her head.
One thing was absolutely sure about this new experience. I WAS the most innocent and clueless guy she had ever met. The bad part was, I didn't have a clue about how clueless I was about life or anything else for that matter. I still had a lot of issues to deal with that I didn't even realize I had. I had to learn right and wrong and up and down all over again. I would mess up a lot of times and learn from each and everything I screwed up in. Some things I had to learn about more than once. The think is I had the freedom to learn from my mistakes and ask questions. A big difference was I got answers back that weren't tainted by the narrow minded teachings of the governing body of the Watchtower corporation. I learned about what real honesty was and real love. A whole new world was opening up to me and the ability to be honest about what I thought and felt was very fulfilling. I could now use my brain for something else than a watchtower pull string doll.
Sara was the first girlfriend I had in my social and intellectual rebirth. I was a born again human and there was one more step in making this real. Thanks to the rules and regulation set forth by our religious forefathers the JW' had created a way to as they say it 'keep the congregation clean" but in actuality was to keep the rank and file JW's in the dark about anything thing that went against their personal interpretations and beliefs. Sara and I have remained friends ever since that day almost 19 years ago. I learned a lot for her and I think we will be friends for life. One of the biggest things I learned through my journey and transformation was that even though I had left the religion many of it's hard wired programing glitches would slip in and out of my life for a long time. I also learned that it was OK to be a little behind in learning how to fit in, ex-JWs aren't the only ones with that problem but at least we know where it came from so we can start to fix it.
Sara and I had been dating for a couple of months now. Korin and my divorce was final and I was starting to support her for what turned out to be half her life. One Saturday morning Korin showed up unannounced with my two boys. I was going to pick them up a little later but she decided to pay me a surprise visit. I was still in bed sleeping on an early Saturday morning like I was now able to do for the first time in my life and I woke up to Korin bursting into my room asking me who the half naked woman cooking breakfast in the kitchen was. I slowly rose up and said "what half naked woman?" ( I was starting to get my sense of humor back). She gave me one of her die in hell you bustard looks, slammed the door and left. Sara walked in as she was buttoning up one of my dress shirts she had on and asked "what was that?" I said, that's Korin, isn't she something? Sara told me, that was one of the scariest moments of her life. She said Korin wanted to kill her with her eyes. I smiled and said, I know that look, I lived with it for six and a half years. I got up and got dressed and gave the boys something to eat. Sara couldn't handle the horror of meeting Korin in one of her moods so she left.
A few days later I got a call from one of the elders from the last kingdom hall I attended. This was an elder who I considered a good friend and who didn't call me once in the six moths after I quit going to meetings. He told me that Korin had reported to the elders that I had a worldly girlfriend and that I was sleeping with her. He then asked me if that was true. I told him that I didn't want to answer any of his questions and neither did I feel obligated to, it was none of his business. I also reminded him of how the many times Korin and I went out with our little group of the cool click in the congregation and how she treated me like I had leprosy. He understood but still persisted in trying to grill me for information. He told me that if I stopped seeing Sara and came back and said I was sorry for what I did that I would be OK, I told him that Sara treated me great and didn't acted like I was a piece of crap and I was not sorry for that at all. I told him to do what he had to do and I didn't care.
The elder called a few weeks later and asked me if I was still seeing Sara. Sara and I had briefly stopped seeing each other because I was still working out some of the judgmental issues I developed as JW. The elder was happy to hear that I wasn't seeing Sara and told me again all I had to do was say I was sorry, stop sinning and come back to the meetings. I told him that I wasn't sorry and I was never coming back. I told him that if I said I was sorry, I knew that is what they wanted to hear but it was not the truth. Iv said before that the JW's do not want to hear the truth, they only want to hear the answer they expect. Telling the truth felt good no matter the consequences. The elder told me that I was expected to come to a committee of elders meeting the next Saturday. I told him I wasn't going to be there and again for them to do what ever they felt like doing. He seemed to be in a little shock to hear that I would not come running to the elders when they told me to. They no longer had power over my life. They no longer had the control as counselors and disciplinarians over my action and thoughts. The were in my eyes exactly what they in reality had always been. Janitors, carpenters, and maintenance men. One would think if they were so concerned about my spirituality that I would have heard from them at least once in the six months after I stopped going to meetings. I guess there was too much drinking and parting to do on Friday and Saturday nights to pick up a phone and try and save my soul.
A week later I got the call that I was disfellowshipped. At least it was for a forgivable minor sin like finally having sex after six and a half years of sleeping alone on the coach. I could have been disfellowshipped for adultery or sexual molestation of a minor or lying and cheating a fellow brother or even murdering someone, but at least I wasn't disfellowshipped for the ultimate unforgivable sin, of telling the truth about what I knew about the Watchtower society and their lies and scams. That is sinning against the holy spirit and saying something against the Watchtower corporation. Murders and sex offenders can be forgiven but never anyone who spits on the watchtower.
The disfellowshipping of a well known JW with a lot of friends and family ties gets around the area like it had just been shown as breaking news on CNN. This must have been what prompted a long time friend and elder from my old congregation to call me. He told me that he had been disfellowshipped and wanted me to come back with him to the meetings so I could be reinstated. I was absolutely shocked when he called. This was a guy who became an elder at age 25 and was one of the most anal Elders I had ever known. He was a few years older than me but we kind of grew up together. He would have watchtower studies at his house on Friday nights and was gung-ho in service. His young son gave his first talk at age five and learned to read at age four just so he could give talks. This guy was the golden example of reaching out and a shining example to all those who could deal with his high level of fanaticism. The guy made other elders feel nervous.
I asked him several times what he did to get disfellowshipped and all he would tell me was that he got involved with some wrong doing. Hell, blowing up the twin towers can be considered a wrong doing but I couldn't imagine what brother super elder did. I told him that I had no intentions of going back to meetings or being reinstated. He told me to think about it and he would call me back. In the time between that I found out what he did. This guy, the bright and shining star of my old congregation had sex with his 14 year old step daughter. He blamed it on Satan's influence because he let his step daughter start to listen to FM radio and spiritually weak music. JW's may be clueless but they are the best and coming up with excuses for sinning in a moment of temporary insanity.
All I could do was shake my head and think how glad I was to finally be out of the clutches of that insane religion. I'd lost my family and I would probably never see my mom again, but for the first time in my life I was starting to feel happy. The JW's are right about one thing.
The truth will set you free.
Dave