JW Wedding Invite

DesirousOfChange

We just received an invitation to a JW wedding soon and debating whether to go. Our decision here: It's a young person who was very close friends with our kids (our kids have decided that they will all go as they have no issue with "telling it like it is" if confronted by some pompous ass JDub). We, however, aren't sure if we want to deal with all of "the questions" that we will likely be hit with: Where are you guys attending meetings now? Why aren't you guys attending meetings now? What can we do to encourage you? (I've got the answer to that one: "What makes you think we are discouraged?")

Our "fade" has gone quite smoothly and without nagging visits or calls. (It's quite obvious that no one gives a sh^t that we're not there.) Still, we are not subject to absolute shunning when we encounter JWs. In fact, most are quite friendly and would only shun if they were commanded to do so by the bOrg rules. So, besides the bothersome questions, we fear there is the outside chance that attending could put us on the radar and jeopardize the "status quo" we have attained in our fade.

So it's a bit of a difficult choice. One one hand, we'd like to go with our biggest smiles to advertise, advertise, advertise to everyone that Life Is Good after leaving. We are not wallowing in the gutter involved in illicit drugs, promiscuous sex, and worldly vices (although I do feel I missed out on some of those "vices" when younger), nor are we depressed and suicidal as a result of "leaving Jehovah". In fact, outside of dealing with the problems of getting older (since the New World is about 40 years late and still hasn't arrived just yet), we're living a pretty comfortable lifestyle, traveling, spoiling our grandkids, and best of all -- sleeping in on Saturday and Sunday mornings! . . . . . . . . On the other hand, why risk all that? We really find that we don't have all that much to talk about now when we stumble upon former JW friends. The conversation gets strained rather quickly. We don't want to babble on about TTATT and get the Eldubs breathing down our necks. It seems like it might be better to just send the happy couple a big check and wish them well and invite them to visit us when and if they wish to get better acquainted with the new mate.

Thoughts or experiences?

blondie

We have no children, so issue not ours.

But when we stopped attending, that meant everything, meetings, assemblies, conventions, memorial, special meetings, weddings, showers, funerals.

That doesn't mean we did not send an appropriate card re weddings, showers, funerals if we had been close. But we avoided all group events; casual encounters out walking, shopping, movies, etc., wave or very short convo....ended politely when topic veered towards WTS.

If your children go and keep their comments personal about themselves, okay, but do you want them to include you as agreeing? If not, can they handle that? It's up to them if they go.

carla

I vote for getting out of Dodge and going on a romantic getaway if possible. Avoid, avoid, avoid. But what do I know?

pbrow

Cant have your cake and eat it too!

This is one of the major problems with fading. Always looking over your shoulder and watching what you say and to whom you say it. If you had not faded you probably wouldn't have been asked to go so you are in the current situation.

The only question I have is "do you want to go?"

If you don't want to go then do not go.

It seems you are concerned about talking about your personal life with these people. If the conversation goes where you dont want it to go then tell those people to butt out and just have a good night!

Great opportunity to show (over a glass of champagne) that you are doing just fine!

good luck

pbrow

scratchme1010

Thoughts or experiences?

When I was on my way out, I was getting "invitations" that were more like interrogations and people trying to get into my personal business. They were not settled at all in being intrusive, they were just disgusting in the way they came up to me to ask questions about my private matters.

What I did, back when I was in the early process of leaving, was misleading them and lying to them. I'd accept the invitation "looking forward to have fun with you all", and at the last minute I would come up with some "unfortunate last minute important thing" that I couldn't neglect. Of course, they weren't stupid, as they knew what I was doing, but they couldn't say anything, at least not to me. That helped me keeping those inappropriate JW --its away from me.

dubstepped

It depends on whether you want to play their games or not. You've done a good job of fading, but this could mess it all up. It reminds me of someone dodging a debt for many years in the United States (don't know where you're from), beyond the statute of limitations, to where it is no longer collectible legally. The laws here say that if you make one payment you have reaffirmed that debt and although you may have moved past the statute of limitations you just unwittingly reset it. I have a bad feeling that if you go you're going to show back up on their radar. Dubs don't have a habit of minding their own business. You might be put in some uncomfortable situations.

Pete Zahut

I've discovered lately that it's best to examine what the motivating factor is when deciding whether or not to do something.

We, however, aren't sure if we want to deal with all of "the questions" that we will likely be hit with: Where are you guys attending meetings now? Why aren't you guys attending meetings now?

That aspect would be easy enough work around especially if you're in a crowd of people. You could have a few prepared answers "chambered" and ready to fire off as soon as someone asked on of "those" questions.

Them: So I hear you're not attending the meetings anymore...what's going on?

You: (distractedly scanning the crowd for someone you know) Going on?? Oh nothing...were doing great....Hey look...there's Bill, excuse me just a second, I've gotta' catch him before he leaves.

(It's quite obvious that no one gives a sh^t that we're not there.)

That's more true than you likely realize. So long as you don't draw a line in the sand by making a hard stand about anything, the kind of JW you'd actually want to be friends with, will typically go with the flow. The nosy question askers typically aren't anyone you'd care about.

So, besides the bothersome questions, we fear there is the outside chance that attending could put us on the radar and jeopardize the "status quo" we have attained in our fade.

For most fading JW's it a case of "outta' site...outta' mind". The more you return to the "scene of the crime", the more chances there are that someone will put two and two together. That's just how it is.

One one hand, we'd like to go with our biggest smiles to advertise, advertise, advertise to everyone that Life Is Good after leaving. We are not wallowing in the gutter involved in illicit drugs, promiscuous sex, and worldly vices (although I do feel I missed out on some of those "vices" when younger), nor are we depressed and suicidal as a result of "leaving Jehovah". I

I can totally relate to what you've said here. We like to think that we don't care what people think of us but most people have just enough personal pride that they are bothered by the thought that others may be viewing us as some kind of sad pathetic losers now. We know how JW's tend to assume the worst about anyone who leaves and it's tempting to go out of our way to prove otherwise. So long as we are concerned about what JW's think of us, we are still somewhat enslaved to their thinking.

It seems to me that if you motives are pure and attending the wedding is truly motivated by wanting to be part of the Bride and Groom's happy day and to wish them well, you should be OK. I think with a little advance preparation, you should be able to triangulate your way through the crowd of former friends. However if your motives are mostly self serving ones where you want to prove something or make some point or are simply curious as to why no one is causing you any grief, understandable as that might be, I'd advise you not to attend lest it backfire on you.

ctrwtf

I call this phenomenon reverse shunning. This occurs, not out of malice, but because you simply have nothing in common with past friends. Kind of like going to your 40 year HS reunion and you ask yourself, "just why did I come here?"

Send a check and go out to dinner instead. Cheers.

DesirousOfChange

Thanks for the insightful replies.

The only question I have is "do you want to go?"

We'd like to show support for this young couple. They've had their issues (can't get married in the KHall), so we expect there may be many super-righteous JWs that do not attend. We know that they aren't "bad". Just normal. I just hate the f***ing judgemental attitude so many JWs have! I think many of them feel good about themselves or feel superior when they take actions to attempt to make others feel bad.

ToesUp

If you want to attend, go for it. Go for a short while and show your support. Don't forget to put the BIGGEST smile on your face!

JW Wedding Invite

Share this