Should My Mother Shun My Daughter?

Englishman

I don't know why I never spotted this before, but my daughter from my first marriage has just pointed out to me that her grandmother - my JW mother - has never ever contacted her since she was a child. How would her grandmother respond if she - my daughter - made some contact?

My first response was to say that I'm sure she would be delighted to hear from her, but then I got to wondering. Whenever I have mentioned my daughter, my mother changes the subject, except to ask whether she is still living with her boyfriend. Then a curtain comes down.

Now surely, my daughter who is 30 and has been living with a likeable chap for 10 years, is not going to be the subject of shunning is she?
She's never been a JW, apart from being dragged to assemblies as a 10 year-old.

Can someone please tell me if my JW mum is under some sort of witness policy to show her disapproval of my daughters life style by giving her the cold shoulder? I have to say that like most JW's my mother is quite obsessed by crticism of peoples sexual habits, but I would like some input as to what the official line is at present. Are JW's bound to show their disapproval of a persons life-style even if that person is not or has not been a JW?

Thanks in anticipation,

Englishman.

peaceloveharmony

hey e-man,

i'm not sure if there is some sort of unwritten policy regarding the shunning of non-jws because of their lifestyle but wanted to tell you what my sister told me during one of our rare phone conversations. i'd written her a letter a few months before and had stated that i felt my baptism wasn't valid since i was underage. so when she called me, i asked her again about that. she said something like this, "even if you were never baptized, i still would have to limit my contact with you because i do not approve of your lifestyle". well, whatever! she also said something about "jehovah doesn't approve of the way you live and i can't go against what jehovah ays" or some such crap. anyway, i decided after this call that she is lost to me and no matter what i say, she will sit in judgement of me. her loss!

love harmony

ps. my lifestyle: living with my boyfriend of 5 yrs.

nojw86

Hi Englishman, when I read your post it touched home base for me. My daughter is the same as yours, never baptized, situation is when mom and dad left, she was shunned also by grandma, on hubbys side it been years now she si used to it. But that is and always will be a hugh torn in my paw. If I new then what I know now never,ever would we have made such a choice of becoming Jw. As far as shunning goes it medically damaging to any individual especially little ones envolved in their cruel acts of so called love. grrrrrrr. nojw

Had Enough

Hello Englishman:

How sad that your mother has had no contact with her granddaughter. I have a small granddaughter and cannot imagine not knowing her and having her run to meet me with a squeal and having her throw her arms around me and having little "grown-up chats" with her watching her busy little mind at work.

I know of no official JW rule that says your mother should shun her granddaughter. She can't say she is doing this because of your daughter's lifestyle because as you said, your mother has made no contact with her since she was a child.

The only thing I've ever heard from a speaker or from another JW is that we wouldn't want to have social association with our "worldly relatives" as in going on holidays together or regularly visiting etc. Bad association and all that you know. [8>]

But I have never heard anything official saying we should shun our "worldly relatives" all together as your mother has.

Had Enough

digderidoo

Hi englishman,

I don't think there's any jw policy that means your mother should have no contact with your daughter.

Perhaps it would be an idea to mention the subject to your mother? Then you will get her feelings on the issue.

Yours dig

Ordinary people just like you and me...
We're the keepers of our destiny...

think41self

Hey E-man

I'm with the others, I know of no official policy encouraging her to shun her own granddaughter. But as you know, the WTS cult is bogged down with so many unwritten rules and taboos that no one can keep up with them. What might be ok in one congregation is totally looked down upon at another, so go figure.

I think it more likely that she is showing her disapproval of you...and by extension, your daughter? Just a thought. That is what my mom is doing with my two kids. Though they were never baptized, she still doesn't view them as "worldly" because they went to meetings for years, so I think in the back of her mind, she is viewing them as "someone who turned their backs on the truth", because you know, if you've gone to meetings, then you MUST have seen that it's the truth!!!!How could you miss seeing that?

think41self

Englishman

Everyone,

Thanks for replying, I'm just a little cheesed off at the prospect of another dub assembly at Wolverhampton with all the "Isn't Jehovah kind to us undeserving one's", and "How lovely it was to meet Bro So and so" and "What a terrible world we live in" and "Roll on, armageddons" etc etc, why can't these people get into the present and love their kids for what they are?

Englishman

wasasister

Englishman:

I'm stretching some because I do not know for certain the culture in England during the time of your mother's upbringing. If you have a 30 year old daughter, I would assume your own mother was born in the decade of the 1920's or 30's?? If so, it is likely she was raised with conservative values about living together outside of wedlock. That was true of most people in that generation, not just JW's. Was she raised as a JW, or did she come to it later? Perhaps the religion, with its strict views of sexual matters, was attractive to her due to her pre-existing mind-set.

It could very well be that she justifies shunning her granddaughter because of her "life-style", at least in her own mind.

However, that does nothing to explain why she did not contact the girl when she was a youth. I'm consistantly appalled by the number of JW's who have shunned the children of inactive or disfellowshipped members. How can they possibly justify such a heartless attitude? Would not the child of the former believer need even MORE contact, love and support? Not so very long ago, children born out of wedlock were stigmatized. It seems as if being the offspring of an apostate is even worse than being labled a "bastard child."

Englishman

Wasa,

Good points! Indeed, my mum was born in 1922 into a very puritanical background, and suffered greatly when her own mother died in childbirth when she was a 9 year old girl, so maybe I need to take a look from a fresh angle. Thank you,

Englishman.

thinker

Englishman,
I think what your daughter is experiencing is "guilt by association". I have some experience with this because my wife's friends and family feel it is necessary to shun me, even though I've never been a JW. I guess have a close relationship with a "shunee" is reason enough for them.
Wouldn't want to open any loopholes of communication would be my guess.

thinker

Should My Mother Shun My Daughter?

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