| 1. SECTION I: INTRODUCTIONS You met Wendy at a bar, at a bar mitzvah, in baggage claim, whatever, we don't care. The point is that the extremely hot Wendy is perhaps slightly out of your league, but not so far that you lack hope. Besides, in your best moments, you recall that Wendy seemed interested. Right now, Wendy is probably thinking . . |
 | Oops, You answered: A "That guy was kind of cute. I wonder what I'll wear when we go out. . . ." The correct answer is B "I hope he calls me. He won't. God, I wonder if he thought he liked me and then saw how fat my ass is and changed his mind. Maybe he likes me. But maybe he's too cute for me?" |
| The correct answer is B. We aren't going to sign an affidavit saying Wendy wantsyou, but if she acted interested, she probably was. The point is, when it comes to love and attraction, women (even really pretty ones--especially really pretty ones) are just as terrified, insecure, and self-doubting as you are. We are not the cold, arrogant, oblivious creatures that you fear. Well, at least not most of the time. |
| 2. It's Saturday night, and you find yourself--gee, who'da thunk it?--in a loud, crowded bar. You spot a female you think might make a wonder- ful companion--for an evening, for a lifetime . . . who can say? The line most likely to get you in there is . . . |
| Oops, You answered: B "Hi, I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm [say your name]. And you are?" The correct answer is C "Hi. I just wanted to tell you I think you're really pretty." |
| The correct answer is C. Option A is the work of a man whose charming self-deprecation permits him to poke fun at himself for having no game. Sadly, what we take away isn't so much the charming self-deprecation thing as the having-no-game thing. As for B--sweetheart, "introduce" has three syllables. This is a bar, not As Schools Match Wits. If you answered D, you are definitely cool. You are also definitely taking off your own pants tonight. It's all about C: direct, sexy, confident. A girl who's in a bar on a Saturday night doesn't want to hear anything else. Absolute worst-case scenario: You get a smile and a thank-you. You know what absolute best is. |
| 3. In your first extended private conversation, the best way to distinguish yourself as the man she wants is to... |
| Oops, You answered: Search for things you have in common that you can discuss. The correct answer is Ask about her mom, her cat, her college major, her job, her deflowering... |
| It's B. Women do value a sense of humor (A), but as a dating routine, funny stories come across as self-promoting. C isn't bad, either, but works best for a first meeting; the search for common ground can be exhausting and repetitive. (Yep, empanadas. Yep, I like 'em, too. Chicken ones. Yep. Tennis. Love it. Great. Yep.) You can't go wrong by peppering a chick with questions. Feel free to start with the innocuous stuff and slowly get dirty. (Where did you get your socks? Do you have fluorescent stars over your bed? How do you feel about threesomes?) As for D -- we know you love the path of least resistance, but there'll be plenty of time for that once you start dating. |
| 4. The correct number of flowers to bring to a woman the first time you bring flowers is . . . |
| Oops, You answered: 1 The correct answer is 5 |
| The answer is C. One flower suggests you haven't had sex since your prom. Two is a hint that you stole them from someone's porch on the way over. Five is perfect. Five flowers advertises you as a man of restraint and taste -- polite, generous, but not overeager. A dozen? Only if you want to be confused with the last three losers she dated. |
| 5. Male sex drive : female sex drive, as... |
| Correct! Corvette : Aston Martin |
| The answer is C. A suggests that the male and female sex drives bear no relation to each other -- clearly misguided. B implies that the male sex drive far overpowers the female--an old myth, as is the predator-prey relation of D. Only C works. An Aston Martin can keep up with a Corvette, but it builds its reputation on elegance and subtlety, not on drag racing. |
| 6. It's time for the First Significant Gift for a Significant Woman. The most appropriate gift is... |
| Correct! Inexpensive jewelry ($200 or less) |
| D. Sure, C makes a big statement, maybe big enough to scare her, or you. Practicality (A) is thoughtful but not sexy. B is sexy, but the gift should be for her, not for both of you. D--a handmade silver ring, a pair of nice earrings -- is a way to play your cards right without laying them all on the table. |
| 7. You like to have sex doggy-style. She likes it, too, but nowhere near as much as you do. How many non- doggy-style encounters should occur before you request doggy-style again? |
| Oops, You answered: 15 The correct answer is 0 |
| The answer is A, and yes, this is a trick question. What, pray tell, would you be doing requesting things in bed? Women don't think of bed as a place for polite inquiries; it's a place where you get us so turned on, you're not asking, we're begging. Ruff, ruff. |
| 8. It's very obvious to you, not being blind or deaf, that your long-term (1 year plus) girlfriend has a crush on a male friend. You like this woman and don't feel like losing her to this bozo, who just happens to have a six-pack, a lot of money, and a great personality. Assuming you and your girlfriend have a good relationship, the strategy most likely to keep you in and Bozo out involves . . . |
| Oops, You answered: Embarking on a serious regimen of self-improvement. You have a six-pack and a fortune waiting to be made as well. They're just hiding under a thin layer of beer, tuna melts, and lethargy. The correct answer is Doing nothing. |
| A is not only the best strategy; it's the only strategy. C is tempting, but understand that a woman with a sexual crush is just as shameless as a man--give her permission to see Bozo and before long she'll be walking around naked with a big red ball on her nose. The impulse to make yourself over (B) is misguided--she's not dreaming of a new you; she's dreaming, as you sometimes do, of novelty. You might believe D is your right. But remember this: Demanding fidelity, especially when the demand stems from insecurity, is the best way not to get it. Threats to your relationship are everywhere, but they lose a lot of their power when you ignore them. |
| 9. If x equals the number of men she told you she's slept with and y equals the actual number, then x/y is... |
| Oops, You answered: A lot less than 1 (she rounded way down) The correct answer is Less than 1 (she rounded down) |
| The answer is C. Unless female promiscuity miraculously becomes a virtue, no woman is going to exaggerate her number of sex partners, or even acknowledge the true number. We would like to lie to you--that's D--and present ourselves as virgins, but we are planning to eventually relate to you every last anecdote from our past romances. And if we admitted to having sex with six guys but told you stories about, say, 60, you'd, uh, sniff us out. Only C keeps things real, but not too real. |
| 10. During a fight, your girlfriend launches an assault on your personality in a way that is both meticulously detailed and very loud. When it's your turn to speak, the absolute worst response you can give is . . . |
| Oops, You answered: "You're cute when you get mad." The correct answer is "I don't know what to say." |
| The answer is C. Next time you "don't know what to say," remember that you're much better off with lame honesty (A) or even cruel retaliation (B). Both show at least scant evidence of the thought and self-awareness infuriatingly absent from C, six words that confirm our worst fear: that you have no capacity for or interest in sharing your emotions and that you wish women would miraculously disappear and be reincarnated as mute models balancing big-screen TVs on our heads and bearing cold beer and cigars. D was included only to show the total unacceptability of C and is probably not a good idea. |
| 11. You've been dating a woman for 2 months. Assume that there is no one else and you want out because you're not into her anymore. The best reason you can give is... |
| Oops, You answered: "I don't think I'm capable of offering the kind of intimacy you deserve." The correct answer is "There's someone else." |
| A. Anyone who is dumped knows deep down that the reason why is always some simple variation on B, which, unfortunately, is too cruel a thing to say. However, C and D are even crueler, because women, nursed on soap operas and The Quiet Storm, hear them as rays of poignant romantic hope. "There's someone else" might be a lie, but it's also the only breakup language women seem to understand. Please learn to speak it. |
| 12. You live in New York City and met Denise, who lives in St. Louis, at a wedding in Miami. You got drunk, went back to her hotel room, and took things from there. A month later, Denise is in New York and you have sex once more, but the thrill is gone. You tell her you think you'd be better as friends. Next thing you know, Denise is in New York for 3 months on business and sees you as her personal tour guide. You have an obligation to... |
| Oops, You answered: Sit Denise down and explain to her that you had a really great time at the wedding and you're sorry things didn't work out. You have your life and she has hers, and you wish her the best but don't have time to invest in her. The correct answer is Screen Denise's calls repeatedly until she gets the message. |
| A. Nothing says "Leave me alone" like unanswered calls. Denise needs to take care of Denise, and neither B nor C will create the correct environment for her to do so. D gets the point across, but in an unnecessarily belabored manner--besides, if that's the conversation she craves, she should have had a one-night stand with Dr. Phil. |
