Part I: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/58849/1.ashx
Part II: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/58890/1.ashx
Part III: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/58975/1.ashx
Part IV: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/59206/1.ashx
Part V: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/59294/1.ashx
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I joined this Forum on 12/28/2001 after lurking for about two months. I was an active JW with lots of so-called responsibilities at the time. I was SCARED TO DEATH of reading "apostate" material but, yet, I couldn't stay away. This Board has changed a lot in the almost two years since I joined but I continue to enjoy coming here. This is part of my personal therapy.
Along this journey of a "JW with questions" to the point I have arrived at today, I have much to be happy about and thankful for. First, I am happy that I have a relationship again with my sister (known here as Nikita). Next, I am happy that I have a better relationship with my brother (known here as Quincy). Also, I am happy that I continue to have a great friendship with my childhood-used-to-be-a-JW friend badwillie. I am happy that I got to have dinner with Flower. I am happy that I no longer fear demons or so-called demonic things. Mostly, I am happy that I have TRUE freedom of choice. I can choose to see an R-rated movie. I can choose to listen to Sexual Healing (by Marvin Gaye). I can choose to say a curse word. I can choose to send someone a birthday card. I can make my OWN decisions whether BIG or small. For these things, I am truly happy!
I am thankful to Simon for having this site. I am thankful that I have learned what the word 'unconditional' truly means. I am thankful for all of the insight that some of you bring to the table on this Forum. I am thankful that the UN thing was brought to the surface because this was the first blow that caused my JW foundation to crack. I am thankful to be where I'm at today.
To be honest, I thought I'd never reach the point of telling my JW wife that I no longer will be attending meetings. I thought that I would just live my life as happy on the outside but torn, depressed, and miserable on the inside. From October of 2001 until about (6) weeks ago, I was attending most meetings. This literally made me sick to my stomach ESPECIALLY after I knew that I was "faking" it. Each meeting became more and more intolerable and torturous. It seemed like the same thing was being hammered into my head at each meeting: Increase your field service hours, study more, start more bible studies, try to pioneer, avoid negative things about the "truth". I really began to loathe the meetings. My slow fade had begun but I was making ONLY baby steps.
The first to go was my personal study and my field service hours. It has been at least six months since I last knocked on someone's door. My next course of action was to miss meetings here and there. When I did make the meetings I got up a lot and I put on my "bored" face. Also, I refused to sing, I refused to say 'amen', and I stopped bowing my head and closing my eyes during prayer. Despite my efforts, my wife acted like everything was still fine.
Six weeks ago, badwillie and I were hanging out all day. He encouraged me to just be upfront with my wife. However, like many of you who still attend the meetings, I didn't want to cause problems with my wife. I was scared to tell her how I really felt. I was scared of the unknown. I knew that once I told her that I would stop attending meetings, the results would be out of my control. This scared me.
Still, as soon as I saw my wife that day, I told her how I felt. Were there tears by her? Yes. Did she understand? Not really. Did my world come crashing down? Absolutely not. Things were awkward immediately after we talked. She still would ask me if I was going to the meeting (over the next two weeks) as each meeting day arrived, but I stood my ground.
Now, I am no longer faking it. My 'undercover' pain and hurt is now gone. The only downside is that my wife is unhappy and depressed that I am not by her side at the meetings. But, I am confident that eventually she will heal. Time has a way of doing that, you know? At least my wife is no longer asking me if I am "going to the meeting tonight".
Over the last six weeks, I received TWO phone calls: One by my brother (an elder) who never gave me the time of day when I WAS going regularly and one today (ironically) by a (hot, sexy) young "sister" trying to encourage me. Also' my wife tells me after each meeting that so-and-so asked about you. I smile and say, "okay".
Last week, my wife received a letter from her mother "encouraging" her to stay strong and that Satan attacks God's people and that she will pray for me, yada, yada, yada. The irony is that SATAN didn't attack me. It was actually the WTBTS who attacked me by being deceitful about the UN scandal, the pedophile cover-ups, and all of the double-speak. Hmmmm, perhaps the WTBTS is really "the god of this system of things".
In conclusion, the only way I progressed to this point is by taking all of my FEAR and shattering it to pieces! Collectively, I gathered the fear of disfellowshipping, the fear of the elders, the fear of disappointing my wife (and some close JW friends), and the fear of the unknown, and I picked up a sledghammer named 'COURAGE' and thoroughly destroyed all of that damn FEAR and now I can be a person of true honor and integrity who is true to himself. I have learned how to interact with people who are different than me (i.e., non-JWs), I am no longer judgmental, I am now tolerable of other peoples' faith. Now, I am a much nicer and happier person. And to think that I got this far without getting disfellowshipped, divorced, or attacked by demons!
My name is Brian Funches and this is my story. If you have any questions or if you need support because you are in a similar situation, please e-mail me and I will be happy to be your friend.
The end and the beginning.
Funchback... PS: In some way, each of the following people has made a postive impression on me: DIM, Beck_Melbourne, LDH, teejay, mikepence, and Dutchie. Thank you!