Was he kind, loving and supportive, someone who was there when you needed him? Was he someone you found easy to approach?
No, and no. He rarely treated me like a fellow human being, mostly I was his pain-in-the-ass kid making his life difficult. He treated me like I was stupid.
Was he abusive and cruel?
Not cruel, but extremely impatient and short-tempered. My mom has a strong personality and I think that she was the only thing that prevented my dad from beating the hell out of us, unfortunately for him his mom didn't have a strong personality and his dad did beat the hell out of him on a regular basis.
Did you fear or loathe him?
I was scared to death of him. I can't emphasize enough how short his fuse was. Grumpy as hell, yelling all the time, very little warmth. He's about the last guy in the world that should ever have had kids.
Was he someone you admired? Or someone you hated, and vowed you would never be like him?
I hated him, I tried to love him, I tried to find things about him to emulate, but for the most part he is not somebody that I try to mold myself after. But unfortunately I look a lot like him and have inherited a lot of his temperament, so it is a struggle. I will never have kids, nobody deserves the unfortunate genetic legacy that I inherited!
Is there a similarity between how you viewed your Heavenly Father, and your physical father? Did you transfer your feelings for your real Dad onto your relationship(if any) with Jehovah? Or was Jehovah the Father You Never Had, and idealised Him as what you wished your physical father had been?
Wow, I never gave it a lot of thought until you posted these thread topics.
For most of my JW career I was one of the "strugglings". Always feeling like I didn't measure up, praying for forgiveness, going to the elders with this and that problem. So I did transfer my feelings of never measuring up, of feeling stupid, feelings that I associate with my dad, to Jerhover. Eventually, after many earnest attempts at being a "good JW" that only lasted for short periods, the feelings of worthlessness and stupidity became so strong that I stopped attending meetings. thinking "what's the point?". But finally I summoned the courage to investigate just what these terrible "apostates" were saying about Jerhover and the org.
So my rejection of the JW religion is also a rejection of the messages my dad gave me. And I still ride the fence a lot, at least emotionally, of wondering whether the Watchtower was right and wondering if my dad was right.
Thanks for such a thought provoking thread Prisca!
