Forgive my English..its not my first language....
It was a cloudy afternoon as I was on my way to the hall. As a MS meeting with 2 elders. It was no training, no encouragement. It was the moment that would change everything for me.
But first my background. Being raised in the truth it was all perfect. I knew who God was and what He had done for us. Even better, what He will do for us. I remember praying as a 10 year old kid before I would sleep, O Jehovah please may the earth be a paradise when I wake up...But of course, no prayer answered that night. Yet I carried on. If I was only as strong as my mind told me back then. "Once you reach the age of 16...you will be out". But plot twist, by a set of unexpected events I got baptized at that exact age, knowing for sure that Jehovah has drawn me. Even though I had led a double life before my baptism, I was sure that I was called to be part of something bigger.
I decided that in order to fulfill my dedication I should give up my desires with regard to this "futile" life. No higher education, no worldly (girl)friends. Time to become pure and be ready for that o-so-close day! I remember after the 2006 Deliverance at Hand convention to work with a pioneer and contemplating how this "system" wouldn't last a few years longer...#2019
After finishing my school I became a regular pioneer, determined that this would be my life from now on. I cannot lie, I did had a great time working with many friends, developing "long-lasting" friendships, yeah that is over now.
I served where the need was greater traveling to distant lands(literally), gave public talks at my assignments as well as at home. Worked closely with missionaries and special pioneers. It was indeed a wonderful experience all the way! But I had a wound...and sooner or later it would be discovered.
Just as a matter of fact..Isn't nice how the bible tells that Jehovah doesn't search for any faults else we would not be able to stand in front of Him, yet we are encouraged to confess to the elders our every little sin?
Well thats what I did..it was time to confess that I have been viewing inappropriate material and...spoke immorally with some sisters(mutual), the sisters didn't think it was necessary to speak up, but me being holier than thou, having heard and seen worse knew that this was what Jehovah required.
So coming back to that meeting on a cloudy afternoon. Two elders, 2 agendas. One being an older loyal brother who knew me since I was a young kid. One being recently assigned to our cong. coming from bethel. I confessed my misbehavior said that I was just a young man searching for attention and hoped for the best.
1 agenda said...that's fine, Jehovah knows, you will be forgiven. The other said... no hold up, you have crossed the line. Time for a judicial committee. Since they could not agree on the matter it was taken to the body of elders. The bethel heavy included my entire history as a person who had lead a double life before baptism and convinced the majority of the body that action needed to be taken. If you ask me how I know this? The older elder told me this personally, vowing to fight for me and my privileges. And he kept his word! He fought hard. But the best deal he could get was that I would lay down my pioneering and MS privileges for now.
I couldn't wrap my head around it. How could God operate through people with personal agendas? Being for or against me shouldn't be the deciding factor, right? The bethelite was right, I had crossed the line. But the older elder had a point, Jehovah understands and is bigger than all of this. Yet as a result of my sinful behavior now there is being put a damper on my expression of love for God?? I should not preach as a pioneer and help as MS in the cong. seriously...What is the point of that? Didn't Jesus comfort and use Peter right after he snitched him? I did not get it...How could my "small" misdemeanor be so serious to Jehovah who forgave David for adultery and murder? Of course he showed repentance, but Jehovah must know that I was just falling for my weaknesses. Or was I the only weak one amongst the 7 million brothers and sisters. If I could, I would have never spoken up. I found it weird that they commended me for my courage to speak up in the first place, I was just doing as instructed(#Noah).
But here I was now lying on my bed trying to make sense of everything that developed. And till this day years later it stil doesnt make sense. To make a long story short, I have researched my faith and critically questioned it. I realize now more than ever how many questions are not answered. Just a simple one...Why the fuck is the universe so big? I will not say that God does not exist, since I simply have no evidence to back that up. But I know for sure there is no MEN holier than me...better than me or closer to God than me. There is simply no evidence for that either. So where do I stand in life now? Honestly pretty confused and unfortunately still dancing to the drum of the Watchtower. Why not leave you say? Hmm wife still asleep and close family as well. Willing to go through the motions for them...
But fun plot twist...I was recently appointed a MS back again...I have a public talk scheduled soon. Have some privileges on the upcoming assembly.
You might know this tale but you will never notice me, for I am just another peasant among the 8 million.