Oh! Those are hilarious lists. Loved every word. All the lists.
You Live in California when...
by AlanF 24 Replies latest social humour
-
-
Love_Truth
Socio-Math Problems for San Francisco Student
1. Zelda and Jane were given a rottweiler at their commitment
ceremony. If their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and they
walk at a rate of 3/4 mile per hour, how much time will they spend
discussing their relationship in public?
2. Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his
self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but Michael
feels 3% better for every person he denigrates, how long will it take before
he's ready to go home if 1 person walks by the cafe every 2 minutes?
3. Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of getting cellulitis on
a given day is 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Sanjeev will
need to renew his erythromycin prescription during the next week?
4. Chad wants to take half a pound of pot to Orinda and sell it at a
20% profit. If it originally cost him $1,500 in food stamps, how much
should Nicole write the check for?
5. The City and County of San Francisco decide to destroy 50 rats
infesting downtown. If 9,800 animal rights activists hold a
candlelight vigil, how many people did each dead rat empower?
6. A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are tossed
randomly in a drawer. What is the likelihood that the first two socks
drawn will be socks of color?
7. George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattes every
morning. If each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine, what is
George's average caffeine density in mg/pound?
8. There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them recycle plastic.
If eadh household reycles 10 soda bottles a day and buys one polar fleece
pullover per month, does Mill Valley have a monthly plastic surplus or deficit?
Bonus question: Assuming all the plastic bottles are 1 liter size, how
much Evian are they drinking?
10. If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker in 30 seconds,
and the waitress brings a platter of 12 pot stickers, how long will it
take five vegans to not eat them?
11. Todd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1 bills in his
wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a single buck, how many legs did
he have to step over if he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and
met only one double-amputee?
Advanced Placement Students Only:
Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a three-bedroom apartment
on Guerrero for $2400 a month. Effie and Trip can share one bedroom, but
the other three need their own rooms with separate ISDN lines to run their
web servers. None of them wants to use the futon in the living room as a
bed, and they each want to save $650 in three months to attend Burning Man.
What is their best option:
a) All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as handgun monitors
at Mission High.
b) Ask Miles, the bisexual auto mechanic, to share Effie and Trip's
bedroom for $500/month.
c) Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling her annual
digital-artists-of-color stipend.
d) Rent strike -
Sassy
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM MINNESOTA IF ...
1. You know that everyone has a "city preference," Minneapolis or St. Paul.
- 2. You have been frostbitten and sunburned during the same week.
- 3. You miss Machinery Hill at the State Fair.
- 4. ... but you still go for those mini-donuts and cheese curds!
- 5. You know people who pronounce Duluth, "Doo-loot."
- 6. You measure distance in minutes.
- 7. Weather is 80 percent of your conversation.
- 8. "Down south" to you means Iowa.
- 9. You call highways "freeways."
- 10. Snow tires come standard on all your vehicles.
- 11. You've seen "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" in Uptown.
- 12. You have no concept of public transportation.
- 13. Seventy-five percent of your graduating high school class went to the University of Minnesota.
- 14. You've been to Fort Snelling on a field trip at some point in your school days.
- 15. You know the real state bird is the mosquito.
- 16. You know more than one person who has hit a deer.
- 17. You say that the Megamall is just for tourists, yet you go at least once a month.
- 18. People from other states love to hear you say words with "O's" in them.
- 19. You know what and where Dinkytown is.
- 20. You went to a casino on your 18th birthday.
- 21. Perkins was the only hangout option in high school.
- 22. You have no problem spelling "Minneapolis."
- 23. You own at least one item that says "I'd rather be fishing."
- 24. You can list all the "Dales."
- 25. You used to think Deer Season was an official school holiday.
- 26. You hate "Fargo" but realize your entire family has the accent.
- 27. You get mad at people who think Fargo is in Minnesota.
- 28. You feel the need to correct everyone's misconception that there are only 10,000 lakes in Minnesota (there are really more than 14,000).
- 29. You know that Rochester was the most livable city and must tell everyone.
- 30. Mayo is NOT something that goes on a sandwich.
- 31. And for the last time, there is a Rochester in Minnesota.
- 32. You may hate Arne for a lot of things, but you will always love him for canceling school.
- 33. Not only do you have snow days, your school is cancelled because of cold weather.
- 34. You know where Mille Lacs is and how to spell it.
- 35. You call the metro the "Cities."
- 36. You can name the four seasons: fall, winter, spring and road repair.
- 37. You know the difference between the East and West Bank.
- 38. You take all your vacations "up north."
- 39. You can navigate 694, 494, I-94 and 394.
- 40. You've heard that Carleton is called the "Harvard of the Midwest" and you know it's not even close.
- 41. You have lutefisk for Christmas.
- 42. You know the two sports-related reasons why we hate Dallas.
- 43. You've been to the top of the IDS.
- 44. Nothing gets you madder than seeing a Green Bay sticker on a Minn. car.
- 45. You think that Lutherans and Catholics are the two major religions of the world.
- 46. You know what "uff-da" means and how to use it in the proper context.
- 47. You remember playing M.A.S.H. in elementary school and the excitement of "finding out your future."
- 48. You can pinpoint exactly where each scene in "Untamed Heart" was filmed.
- 49. You're a loyal Target shopper.
- 50. You know that the Gay 90s is now "bi....."
-
Sirius Dogma
HBO "Real Time with Bill Maher" Air Novemberish 2003 - enjoy :)
And finally, New Rule: Lay off California! You know,
the rest of America has been having quite a laugh at
California?s expense lately. But let?s remember this:
California has a lot of people. And the reason it
does is lots of other people in other states saying,
?Fuck this, I?m outta here!?
And then those people come here to California, and
people ask them, ?Don?t you miss the winters?? No,
strangely enough, I don?t. Much the same way I don?t
miss slamming a car door on my hands.
Make fun of California, but if it weren?t for
California, East Coast rappers would have to shoot
musicians from Branson. If it weren?t for California,
there?s be almost no TV, and you?d have to come home
at night and actually talk to your family.
You know, the rest of America feels about California
the way the rest of the world feels about America.
They hate us because we do what we want. They think
we?re too blessed and too free, and it makes them nuts
in the dreary hovels of Kabul and Tikrit and Lubbock,
Texas.
They pray to their threadbare gods that we?ll get what
we deserve. But it won?t happen. Because you never
know what we?re going to do here next. We elected
Ronald Reagan and Jerry Brown.
We?re home to Disney and Hustler, the Partridge Family
and the Manson Family. We can drink a Mudslide and a
Sex on the Beach during an actual mudslide while
having sex on the beach!
Our farms feed the world, and Calista Flockhart lives
here.
We have bears and great white sharks. And even our
washed-up actors are allowed to kill one blonde chick.
We invented surfing and cyber-porn and LSD and the
boob job. And if we didn?t, who would have?
We have oranges, free oranges, everywhere. What grows
on the trees in Scranton, fucker?!
We have a real hockey team named after a hockey team
in a movie!
Our Indian casinos could kick your Indian casinos?
ass.
We give our illegal aliens driver?s licenses. And we
have a guy running for governor who digs group sex.
Would anywhere else in America trade places with L.A.
or San Francisco in a piss-soaked New York minute? You
bet they would. Because I don?t recall anyone ever
writing a song called ?I Wish They All Could Be Rhode
Island Girls?! -
bsmart
bumping this to the top for the newbies