Fading -- does it ever end?

by paterfamilias 16 Replies latest watchtower bible

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  paterfamilias

  Next month will be my one year anniversary of starting to fade. A year ago, I thought I was just in the middle of yet another slump in meeting attendance. But one week led to another, and it got easier and easier to just stay away.
  

  I haven't exactly done the textbook fade, though. Rather than gradually decreasing my involvement, I've basically stopped cold turkey. I haven't been to a single weekly meeting this past year. My wife, Odrade, and I did attend the Memorial and also a small portion of the district convention, but that's been it. Not that people haven't tried to get us to go. Believe me, they've tried very hard to get us to come back. It's mainly been each set of parents. Needless to say, it's put a tremendous strain on all of us. And that's what this post is about: what to do when you have family in the organization that you want to continue to have a normal relationship with.

  I know we haven't followed the basic ground rules of fading to the letter (I wasn't even aware of the concept of fading until some months later when I first came to this site). But while we haven't been to any weekly meetings, at the same time we've managed to not say anything as to why. Everyone is completely in the dark as to our reasons, and we intend to keep it that way as long as we can. It is in this sense that it can still be considered a fade. We know that guarding our words so as not to tip our hand is of the utmost importance.

  One would think that by now they would've come to realize that we're not coming back. There have been numerous times when I've gotten so frustrated with all of if that I just wanted to deal with the matter head-on and explain our position outright. But that can't happen, of course. Not if we want to avoid the prospect of being shunned by our own families. Even though we're all adults and we all love each other, we simply can't sit down and have a reasonable conversation about it. All because of what that cult does to families!

  Thus the dilemma: does fading ever end? I know there are experienced faders out there. How long have you been doing it, and does it get any easier? The way I see it, as long as there are people in the org that you care about, there is simply no alternative. It never ends.
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  blondie

  Hello paterfamilias. It is lovely to know that you are Odrade's husband. I love her posts very much.

  I am a fellow fader...no meetings, memorial, or conventions/assemblies for a year. My family are all JWs. There have been some attempts to get us back. My family was never very loving in the first place. They cruelly judge many in the congregations they are in and "mark" them for not attending enough meetings.

  So it all depends on your prior relationship. Fading sometimes brings into the open the real foundation of the "love" your family has for you. "We love you only if you act the way we want you to" type of love...conditioinal. It may not have been apparent when you were meeting their expectations but now that you aren't...

  You and your lovely wife will have to set boundaries. "We will talk about this, we won't talk about that. If you do, then we will have to leave."

  Depending on how well your parents respected your boundaries in the past, will determine any success now.

  Considering that JWs are taught that anyone not a dedicated, baptized JW in good standing will not survive Armageddon, it would not be surprising that they will continue trying until you do something that makes them write you off.

  Things will never be the way you thought they were.

  Blondie, fellow fader
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  Maverick

  You have my sympathy! I think what you are doing is way harder than my throwing stones at the Tower! I don't have to worry about being confronted or emotionally blackmailed by the borg and its automatons!

  But from my past experiences they will never just let go. People have stayed away for years and just come back! Some JW's will hope that in time some terrible thing will happen in your life and you will come running back to their waiting arms! After all, "Who loves you baby?" Maverick
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  flower

  Paterfamilias, Welcome....my 2c

  I think it could go on for a while but I think that eventually the 'fading' phase does end and you become someone who is inactive or that just left. At the stage you are at now..to them you are probably 'weak' or 'having doubts' and need someone to help get you back on track. Its only been a year. but after a few years I think they will realize what the deal is without you having to come right out and discuss it.

  Personally I was df'd so I didnt have the chance to do the fading thing but probably 25 years ago my aunt kinda just faded and didnt go to anymore meetings. We all still talked to her but no one thought she was ever going back. No one tried getting her to that I can remember..it was just accepted that she was permanently inactive. I was just a kid so I dont know if she officially da'd herself but I dont think so. I do know that we treated her very differently than we did my other aunt who was df'd. Those titles mean a lot to those brainwashed dubbies so if I were you I would just refuse to discuss the subject with them at all and eventually they may realize you arent going back but wont shun you because they dont technically have to.

  Theres no telling what will happen but I doubt it will go on forever. Everything comes to a head eventually.

  flower
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  ozziepost

  Does fading end? It all depends on what you fill your life with. If nothing, then you'll be forever an exDub, not a very thrilling prospect, eh? On the other hand, if there's something positive in your life, then you can truly "move on".

  Sooner or later, no matter how determined, there'll come a point when you have to call it quits! And of course there's always likely to be that visit from two "loving" shepherds who'll put the hard word on you, complete with "Do you believe this is Jehovah's organisation?" As the ad says: "it may not happen overnight, but it will happen".
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  Odrade

  haha, Pater should have told about the elder who came to the door. When I opened, he let himself in and stood in our entry and cried as he offered me a bible study. This is the same elder who when I asked him a hard question, he just told me repeatedly that I should research it myself and it was my homework assignment. Never did get an answer. hehe. This is also the same elder who said (when conducting bookstudy) that people who don't answer at the meetings are pleasing Satan.

  hmm....guess that wasn't really about fading...really, both sets of parents are having a hard time with figuring out how to have a relationship with us. His parents just try to be loving and sympathetic because we are "weak." My parents are trying to ferret out exactly what "stumbled" us, so they can fix it and we'll come back. Little do they know...

  They have so much invested in their JW life though, it's not surprising they act that way. The part that makes the fade difficult is--like most xjws who are out without having the DA or DF label attached--they really do have what they feel are our best interests at heart. And they are afraid for us. So, although we would like to say what we feel, and throw stones at the WTS, we restrain ourselves for their sake.

  Sad really, how isolated and fearful this cult makes people.

  Odrade
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  Special K

  Hi Odrade..

  Just a question because someone I know is trying to fade..

  Did you and your husband come to the same conclusions about the J.W. religion at the same time. Did either one of you sort of leave first. If so, how did you get your mate to listen to you about the J.W.'s.

  special K
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  metatron

  You're doing fine, Pater

  It may help to be a bit more "in their face" about it, BUT in a nice way.

  Openly recommend college to the kids. Highly recommend saving and investing in an IRA.

  Make jokes about Circuit Overseers. Avise them on taking naps during the meetings

  Talk plainly about preparation for retirement. Slowly - and loudly - "edge" them away from cultish

  concerns - with a smile on your face and a pat on their backs.

  A little kind-hearted aggressiveness is called for.

  annoying people can be fun!

  metatron
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  Jim_TX

  Regarding fading... I suppose I have been at it for over 20 years.

  Whilst I was still married, I was going to take a train trip to Chicago. While waiting in the car, I mentioned to the now ex-wife...

  "You know that I'm not going back to the Kingdom Hall, don't you?" She replied, "Yes, I know."

  A few months after that I moved out and filed for divorce.

  A year later, those pesky 'elders' after over 15 years of 'silence', called me on the phone.

  One conversation, the elder introduced himself (I've never heard of this fella), and then asked me, "Do you still want to be a Jehovah's Witness?"

  I knew about their 2-witness rule, and asked him, "Do you have someone else on the line?"

  He said, "Well, no... but there is another elder listening in."

  Or somesuch nonsense... so I said, "That's what I thought. Have a good day." and hung up.

  I'm not sure right now if they used that to 'DF' me or what, but they haven't bothered to phone since.

  *He sez peering through the blinds - looking outside*

  Regards,

  Jim TX
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  AlanF

  Fading may or may not end. It depends on your family circumstances. For example, my brother and I faded for good in the early to mid-1980s. Our mom still tries to "get him back", and won't take "no" for an answer when he tells her he has no interest in religion of any sort. Of course, she has no idea how strongly he rejects the JW cult. On the other hand, our mom won't speak to me any more because I'm an outspoken "apostate". So what happens with you depends on the personalities of your relatives and on how good you are at keeping your mouth shut for a long time to come.

  Interestingly, a few of our JW relatives recently questioned my brother as to why he quit many years ago. He didn't want to tell them, but they were extremely insistent and promised him that they wouldn't get angry at what he might say. So he let them have it. Of course, being braindead JWs, nothing he said got through to them. Every problem in the organization was merely the result of "human imperfection". But at least he managed to get through the inquisition without their starting to shun him. On the other hand, my brother isn't the academic type and he only talked about his own difficulties with the Watchtower. Both of us know full well that if I talked to those relatives, I'd shoot the Watchtower down in flames and they'd be horrified. Probably still wouldn't change, though, as the life investment is now too high. My brother definitely doesn't want me talking to those folks because he's afraid of getting caught in the crossfire.

  AlanF