I am a JW and have posted here before. I have, for a long time been dealing with the option to "Get Out" as it were. I have a wife who is loooked at as "So Faithful" in the words of a one influential sister here in ***, WI.
You see, about 6 years ago my wife and I started "relying" on the elders in our previous congregation in , IN. to help us with our marriage. That was fine-and-dandy; at least for the moment, until they started using what I said to them against me. Keep in mind, that what I said was always with my wife and 2 elders. Maybe I am wrong; but for those of you who know how the Ministeral Servant "appointment" works (which I thought I was familar with) you have to preside over your family in a fine maner...yada, yada, yada!
Yes, I was "reaching out" as the JWs call it. You see, my wife had depression; that is not good. Well, it's okay to be an Elder and have depression; however, it is not okay to be a publisher who is "reaching out" and have a wife with depression. I am not so sure it is depression, it is more like a way to get her way; a tool as it were, to have a controling way to get things the way she wants them. Her dad; whom was "appointed" an Elder in 1975 (The year the appointments were established). Her mom is well known in the--circuit--as the "head" of the house. In fact, "all of the women in the her family are known as having that charateristic", in the words of J. T. J. T, told that to a few of us including my brother-in-law, who is married to my wife's sister. My brother-in-law (who is now an elder), also experienced the same trouble I have been experiencing for the last 11 years; only, he was able to reason with his wife, and now they have a great relationship. Is it because my wife is the oldest girl that my family is still experiencing this? I don't know. She is a very demanding (emotionally) person. She needs constant "me" and I don't think that is healthy: spiritually, or physically.
I called one of the Elders tonight, and asked him how I go about becoming a non-JW. I don't want to be one any more! I am tired of dealing with the emotions of my wife. She makes me so angry, and when I want to be left alone (here she comes again), she keeps coming after me. I have told her that I want time by myself, and she just keeps coming...! She makes me so mad at times that I start swearing! That is so unlike me. But she just won't let up. Plus, she gets so mad that she thinks it's okay to slap me. Now mind you, she is looked at in the congregation as "So Faithfull" because she takes the kids to the meetings and I haven't been regular.
The elder I spoke with tonight told me, "we have tried to get you to open up, but I wouldn't talk to them." Well, no; I don't want them to use any thing I say against me again. He said, "I don't know what happened (with the elders in my last congregation) in the past." I told him, that shouldn't make a difference because all the elders are appointed by God's Holy Spirit, and asked him if that was right. He just stuck to the idea that the elders here don't know what happened in my previous congregation. I don't buy it! All of the WTS literature says that the elders are appointed by God. If I'm wrong, than show me! He wants to set up a time to talk with me and my wife. I think that is fair on a humane stand-point, but I don't know if I want to go through that again: having things used against me when I think I have things ironed out with my wife. I told them awhile back that I will never reach out aagain. I did it once, and looking back I felt like I was doing it for "man" and not for God.
Well I feel a little better now so I'll end here.
Aintthatcute
I mad and don't know what to do.
by Aintthatcute 18 Replies latest watchtower beliefs
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Aintthatcute
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Scully
Well, first of all, I don't remember seeing you post here. So I'm glad you're here. Welcome.
Secondly, it's good that you're venting about what's bugging you. Keeping it inside isn't healthy, especially given your circumstances and knowing that you don't have someone you can confide in among your family and congregation members.
Finally, the elders are not trained to handle the issues that come with depression. If your wife isn't inclined to talk to a properly trained counsellor or therapist about her depression, then perhaps you could talk to someone yourself. Your family doctor should be able to refer you to someone reputable. Your wife may consider that going 'outside the organization' to be a sign of spiritual weakness, but as you say, the elders tend to use that kind of information against you. Even if you don't plan on Reaching Out for Privileges in the Congregation? again, you've experienced a breach of trust and you have every right to distrust the overtures of the elders who are offering their assistance to you at this time. Once bitten, twice shy.
Depression is a very difficult illness, and caring for a depressed family member can be very draining emotionally, especially if you are trying to carry the burden by yourself. It sounds as though you're on the verge of what is known as "caregiver burnout". Maybe it's time to ask yourself (and perhaps your wife) where is all that Love? that JWs are supposed to be known for?? Why are you doing so much on your own in coping with depression, when the hallmark of true Christianity is supposed to be "love for one another"?
Feel free to talk and share as much as you need to. However, be careful about divulging personal information that can identify you to people (like elders or other JWs) who might use your posting here against you. If you decide to edit your post and need instructions, please let me or one of the other Forum Assistants know.
Love, Scully
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drwtsn32
Wow....sorry to hear about your hardship. Scully has already written an excellent response... and I can't think of anything to add. Definitely seek professional help; it can do wonders.
Good luck!
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peacefulpete
A lack of recognition has broken the spell for many men in the organization. They know their own motives and abilities yet receieve little or no respect. Little constructive advice is offered, only that some "trend" or "tendency" is troubling to them. The ironic thing is that their apostate sensitive antennae are detecting deflection before the men themselves are conscious of their own misgivings. While there are many reasons for leaving, this is a common one. In effect you are learning that you truly do not fit with the program. This experience will likely embolden you ask the hard questions about doctrine and history. Ride the wave. It does get better. The matter with your wife is too private for comment. And BTW it may not be wise to reveal too much here that identifies you just yet. I would if I were you edit your last post and delete the specifics.
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A Paduan
Just don't trust any of the holyspirit appointed elders - with anything
I told him, that shouldn't make a difference because all the elders are appointed by God's Holy Spirit
That alone seems like enough to consider further investigation by them, maybe bust up your family - stuff like that - repeating back what you were told can be considered the height of smartassism.
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morty
Im with Scully on this one....He has wrapped it up pretty well...You can really benifit from someone outside the reltionship..ie..councelling....Also I would like to had, that it is wrong for any human being to hit any human being.....she has no right to to this.....Can you imagine if this was the other way round,,,You slapping her? No abuse is acceptable by anyone,,,
mortons68
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Nosferatu
Plus, she gets so mad that she thinks it's okay to slap me.
Leave her. No human being should have to put up with this kind of shit. Quit making excuses for her behavior. It's not okay for anyone, even if they have depression, to slap their mate.
You're in one hell of a situation. You have the elders giving you useless help and causing you emotional stress, and you have an abusive controlling wife. The longer you stay in this much abuse, the harder it will be to get out.
THIS IS ABUSE. Do yourself a favor and start a new life.
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Sassy
I have to agree with them. I can't believe she is slapping you, manipulating you. It doesn't matter what she looks like in the congregation. You have to deal with the real person there in your face. The point you made about how the brothers dont' need to know everything in the past because if they are appointed by h.s. they should be directed by God, is a good one. Exactly. So if Jehovah sees her slap you, sees her play pretty at the KH and service and then come home and be unsubmissive, controlling and abusive and if the elders side with her? where is the h.s. leading them?
Hang in there and do what you have to do. Life is not always full of easy choices.
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Aintthatcute
Scully, sns, Nosferatu, mortons68, A Paduan, peacefulpete, and anyone I missed;
Thanks for the virtual-ear. Boy, I needed to vent that out. I was quite mad, and I do appoligize for saying too much.
I am leanning heavely on speaking with a marrage counselor. I do have many reservations about talking to elders about any of this. The elder I spoke with last night, turned around right after our conversation, and phoned the PO. Where's he going with that? I didn't want anyone else involved, and that irritates me. He said he had to tell the PO because of the seriousness of the situation.
I did tell him last night that as the family "Head" that I don't want to talk to him (or the elders), that I am telling him a problem within my family, and they need to talk to my wife about the problem. He stated that as elders they need to get with both of us. I told him that according to the scriptures I am the "Head" of my family and the scriptures indicate I have no "Head" here on earth. Jesus is my only "Head" according to the scriptures. We spared over that for a bit, in fact, he was getting angry. He told me I didn't need to be yelling or arguing over the phone about it we could discuss it later with the two of us. I argued back that I was yelling, I was talking louder because I was very upset.
Well, I most likely opened a can of worms, or maybe I did something that needed to be done--I don't know.
ATC -
Nosferatu
Well, I most likely opened a can of worms, or maybe I did something that needed to be done--I don't know.
I think you did fine. You're pissed off and the elders are doing jack-all to help you. If I were you, I'd tell them to go **** themselves. You got your frustrations out, and I'll bet that was needed. You are correct that you don't have a "head" down on earth. Your personal situation should be none of the elders' business. The elders are going to be the ones opening the can of worms since they're the ones getting stupid with this situation.