Giving Away the Family Dog

by imallgrowedup 26 Replies latest jw friends

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  Been there

  (((((((((((allgrowedup))))))))))))

  I totally understand where you are coming from. I also knew that once you asked that question you were going to get some serious critisism from an animal lover.

  I had a Springer Spaniel "Daisy" for 10 years that I got from the SPCA. We loved her until she had to be put to sleep but she had many things about her I knew I did not want in a dog again.

  A few weeks after her passing I went to the SPCA and picked out our new family member. I had a check list that I was following so I would make the best choice for our living conditions. The dog had to be older (over a year) because I worked full time and knew I did not have the time to endure the puppy stage of house training and chewing. It had to have short hair, I did not want to spend hours a week bathing and grooming a long haired dog anymore. Short hair dogs are usually cleaner dogs and my back just can't take the bathing of a large dog anymore. Daisy always smelled like a hound dog even after a bath. I wanted a smaller dog, they need less exercise and could get it in the back yard if I didn't have time to walk. I found a short haired terrier I fell in love with. She was smart, well behaved, she pooped in one pile (on the list) and not a hundred little ones (Daisy was a walker). The sign on the cage said she was 1 1/2 years old. This was the dog for me.

  Things were great except she liked to CHEW. I got her all kinds of things to keep her teeth busy. I took her in to have her spayed and the vet said this dog is only a little over 6 months old. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! she did'nt look like a puppy. She only chewed when I was gone so a friend lent me a big cage for her to stay in while I was working. The chewing got much worse. I had gotten my new computer that year for Christmas. I have no idea how but she got to a high shelf and ate all the new CDs that went to the computer (encyclopedia etc.) She ate my almost new couch, cords to everything, furniture, christmas ornaments & tree, shoes, clothes & curtains. She could not be trusted when we were home anymore either. She spent much time in her cage and with a muzzle on. This was not what I wanted for her. She was a sweet dog and did not deserve to be caged so much of the day and night.

  I was desperate I asked for some help on the internet on a dog forum because if things didn't change fast this dog had to go back to the SPCA. I got reamed. I was a heartless animal hater that had no business having a pet. Frankly that hurt. I was begging for some expert help.

  It boils down to........I love pets, I take care of them and am a responsible pet owner but.............pets do not run my life, they are there to enrich it. They do not work hours away from home so they can get better furniture for the family home or new carpet so the family isn't walking on or laying on smelly floors. I work hard for what I have and will not allow that work to be destroyed in a few short minutes of a dogs pleasure/frustration. A dogs frustration does not rank higher then my frustration. I will always win that one. My family and I are top on my pecking order. I also put a price amount on medical care. If a pet is sick I will not pay thousands of dollars to make it better. I can't afford that. My kids health and well being will come before a pets.

  To answer your question..........only you know your son. If it were me I would let him know that the dog is not happy living there and you found him a place that would make him/her much happier. Maybe the new people could let you come to visit (if it's close by) so your son can see for himself where he is. He will know the dog is okay and he can visit when he needs to, until he lets go a bit. Then take him to pick out another little brother that can live more easily with your family.

  Best of luck to you, I know where you are coming from and can sympathize.
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  Jim_TX

  Ummm... (hoping to not fan any flames...)

  I have had several dogs, the first was just a mutt... small brown dog, part dachshund (sp?), part... well, heinz 57. He was the cutest puppy. Found him along the road, where someone had dumped him. I named him Weasel. We shared space for many years. (One never 'owns' a pet.)

  Weasel grew up outside. He was an outside doggie. If he were co-oerced into the house, he got 'nervous', and piddled. If I picked him up to carry him, he got nervous and piddled. I accepted that as one of his characteristics. I never tried to 'desensitize' him. He didn't need it. *grin*

  Weasel loved the outdoors. He knew that I lived inside, and he lived outside. We both understood and accepted that arrangement.

  When my daughter was growing up, we had several dogs come into our lives. Her first was Alice. Alice was a 'give-away' dog. The ex-wifes' sister had this dog, and the husband was always spraying the dog with water, making the dog cower, etc. They were a 'throw-away' mentality type of family. If they got tired of something, living or not, they threw it out.

  We were very fortunate to have been given the opportunity to get this dog, but I stipulated from the start that ANY dog had to get along with the cats that we already had around the house.

  Everyone understood - and fortunately, Alice only chased the cats for a short time, and then settled in. We pretty much left the dog (or any animal) alone, and their own little personalities seemed to flourish this way. It turned out that Alice was not such a 'bad' dog as we were led to believe. She and my daughter (about 4 at the time) bonded really well, and we had that dog all the rest of her life, when she died at an old age of 13 or so. (Often times, the former owner would come over and lament having given the dog away, but I knew that the dog would not have blossomed like she did with us if she were still with the other person.)

  One dog that we had, from a puppy, was a very large dog ('horse' would be a better description). Tiny was her name. She was a machine of destruction. She would chase the cats... who probably needed the exercise, and she would also chew up everything in the yard. That was not something that I liked to see. We had to keep this dog on a leash, attached to a post anchored into the ground (she often was strong enough to bend or break this anchor, too). We gave her 'yard time' every day, and the other dogs would 'groan' whenever we let her off her leash to run 'free' for a bit.

  When the decision was finally made to give her away (an ad in the paper), the daughter was in on the decision. She understood the reasons why we had to give the dog away.

  I would recommend that your son be allowed to be with you when you give away the doggie. It will be a tearful moment, but he will get to see where the dog is going. It _can_ be made into a 'positive' event, perhaps by explaining that it is better for both the doggie and you, that way. It will also be a 'real' thing, him getting to see the new owners, and the doggies' new home.

  Just my .02 worth.

  Regards,

  Jim TX
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  Odrade

  First of all, (clear light of day and all...) Growedup, I AM sorry. I come on like a Mack truck sometimes. Not helpful. It was wrong of me to assume you were being irresponsible with the dog. In my defense, I have heard many of the same statements from people who ARE irresponsible, and it pushed all of my buttons. You do indeed have a difficult dog, some dogs are much tougher to train than others. Biting dogs for instance, clearly the time is not taken to retrain them if there are small children in the house, no matter whose fault it is the dog got that way. But I admit, it would have been far better to ask for more particulars than to just try and "correct" you. You are right, I don't know you. I responded poorly.

  In rescue, they have learned to say "behavioural issues," rather than neurotic, or psychopath, or whatever negative attribute. Part of the idea behind this change is so people focus on the issue to be changed, rather than get stuck on name calling. Works with people too.

  There are a few references one of the good dog rescues here uses and recommends:

  One is Don't Shoot the Dog by Karen Pryor. She outlines in detail the "positive reinforcement" technique in training. It's particularly effective for submissive or fear aggressive dogs. She is very clear though, that retraining a "problem" dog is very time consuming.

  The other is my favorite. The Culture Clash by Jean Donaldson. The book spends much of its pages on natural behavior in dogs, and how that translates when the dog comes into the home. It's geared a little more toward aggressive dogs, but the point is made that submissive dogs are just as likely to have latent aggressive tendencies. The same methods are used for both. There's a great chapter in there about chewing called "It's all Chew Toys to Them."

  Most training experts I've talked to do not recommend doggy bootcamp. The only exception being adult retrievers who already have obedience training from the owner are sometimes sent to "hunting school" for an intensive on location, retrieval, silence, etc. As a sidenote, I've seen "bootcamp" trainers in action. It would break your heart. Most of them are extremely abusive to the poor dogs. Yes, you get them back and they will walk on a leash, sit/stay for an hour, not bark, etc, but they have no "spark" left. Many bootcamp dogs eventually end up in rescue because the issues they come home with are even larger than those the "training" was meant to correct.

  The issues you are dealing with are difficult. If you do decide to keep the dog and look into training, see if you can get a couple of private sessions with a good "positive reinforcement" trainer. They will try and sell you a package, but the right one will be willing to have just a couple of sessions, and show you what to do. If you live in a city, get your recommendation from one of those doggy daycare centers.

  Desensitization is the concept where you reward the dog for being brave. (Simple explanation.) Puppies will usually desensitize themselves as they explore. An excessively submissive puppy may have been too frightened to explore though, so the trainer has to do it with him, often right down on the floor on her hands and knees. Each exploration is usually laced with treats, so that each brave venture to something new is rewarded immediately. Same with walks. Everytime the dog has just a little better reaction to something "scary," he gets a treat.

  There are lots of people who are against treat training. "Clicker" training works too, but for my money, nothing motivates a dog like a piece of jerky or cheese. My dog will do anything for a grape. I hope some of that helps.

  Odrade
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  TresHappy

  Most humane societies have the obedience training you probably need. My brother absolutely loves dogs, my mom had gotten a puppy (out in service of all things) way back in early 1987 and gave it to my sister. My sister and her hubby could have cared less about that poor dog, and it also ate everything. My brother-in-law threatened to take this dog to the pound, so my brother rescued this dog in 1988. He took her to obedience training sponsored by the Humane Society in our local area and guess what, the dog became obedient and a wonderful, loving dog. That dog lived to be 16 1/2 years old, succumbing to old age in May of this year!
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  imallgrowedup

  Luna,

  I'm sorry to hear about the way you were treated in regards to your pets, and even sorrier you still have unresolved anger in regards to those events. It is not right for a parent to promise a child one thing, then go back on that promise. Actions like these never help to instill a sense of trust in anyone, which is a component of feeling "safe". And we all need to have a sense of safety in order to grow into self-actualized people. I certainly don't blame you for still harboring anger. I know I would have too, if I were in your situation. I do hope you can work through it, because stuffed anger can be a prison in itself. You deserve MUCH better than that! (Only recently have I been able to work through piles of my own stuffed anger, and I can't believe how liberated I feel now that I have! In the interest of time and space, I won't go through the incredible realization I had that helped me get to the other side, but if you are interested, feel free to pm me and I'll tell you about it!)

  Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. It underscores to me the need to be honest with my son and reminds me of how dangerous even a "little white lie" could be to him. Thank you!

  Country Woman,

  Thank you for your advice. I have come to the conclusion that my dog continues to chew not because he is alone too often (I work out of my home and am always here), but because I think he is jealous of my son. With the exception of the carpets and the plants, the majority of the things he chews on belong to my son. I'm pretty famous for leaving my own shoes and personal effects laying around from time to time, but he never touches them - only my son's. I think the dog wants my husband and I to himself, and chewing on my son's things is his little passive-agressive way of showing it. Perhaps a muzzle would work, but then I would have to come up with something to deal with the piddling. I'll talk to my husband and see what he thinks about this.

  At any rate, my brother had a 140-lb Malamute that was as stubborn as the day is long, so I have an inkling of what you may have gone through. I especially admire the fact that you were willing to recover the inside of your car as many times as you did, and that you allowed your daughter to be a part of the solution. The results of your patience and willingness to give it "one more shot" are inspirational. Thanks for sharing!

  Been There,

  You could be writing my story! I believe you really have "been there!" I am so sorry you had to go through what you did with your dog, while at the same time, I also understand how you finally reached your breaking point. If it makes you feel any better, I think you did the right thing. Some dogs just aren't happy where they are, no matter how much time, money, love and/or patience you are willing to give them.

  It boils down to........I love pets, I take care of them and am a responsible pet owner but.............pets do not run my life, they are there to enrich it. They do not work hours away from home so they can get better furniture for the family home or new carpet so the family isn't walking on or laying on smelly floors. I work hard for what I have and will not allow that work to be destroyed in a few short minutes of a dogs pleasure/frustration. A dogs frustration does not rank higher then my frustration. I will always win that one. My family and I are top on my pecking order. I also put a price amount on medical care. If a pet is sick I will not pay thousands of dollars to make it better. I can't afford that. My kids health and well being will come before a pets.

  Here is where you've truly hit the nail on the head! I was very tired last night when I was writing, and was not able to articulate this thought. But you have put into words how I feel. Thank you! I honestly believe that the passionate animal rghts lovers serve a great purpose - especially for animals that are being abused. Since animals can't talk, they need someone with a voice who will stand up for them. However, I think that no matter how well-intentioned most of them can be, sometimes many lose sight of the place animals hold in relation to humans. I think the driving force of many animal rights lovers is that they put animals on equal footing with human children, yet animals are not humans. We have a responsibility to to be kind to all living things, but even God himself does not put animals on equal footing as man. Genesis 1:26 says:

  Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." - NIV

  This does not give us license to be cruel to animals, but it does show us how God himself set up the "pecking order" at creation. I love my dog, but it has come down to him or my sanity. I don't like being in this position, but I know that by finding my dog a better home instead of abandoning it or putting it in the pound, I am honoring this dog that God made by giving it something I can not give it. I believe I am being more humane than some others in my position would do, and that I am being anything but irresponsible for making sure this dog has what he needs - not force him into an environment in which he is obviously unhappy. Thanks for helping me to put this into words - I feel a lot better now!

  My goodness, Jim! I could relate to every aspect of your story! Earlier SF Jim suggested that perhaps "Jackson" (my dog) was an outdoor dog, but because none of my other dogs were ever "outdoor" dogs, I didn't understand how ANY dog could be an "outdoor" dog! You turned the light on for me - perhaps Jackson really is an outdoor dog just as SFJ suggested because he is definately not as skittish when he is outside as he is when he is inside! Hmmmm.....! Thanks! I also appreciate your sharing your story about "Tiny". I know you are well-respected here on this board, and your endorsement goes a long way for me. I'm sorry you had to go through what you did with Tiny, but I also know you did the right thing!

  The timing on reading your post was impeccable! As I got about halfway through what I was writing in the previous paragraph, I discovered Jackson had one of Ian's toys in his mouth. I also discovered another one he had eaten into tiny bits outside my office. Ian was devastated when he saw this - it was one of his favorite toys. After comforting him, I took the opportunity to discuss with him why Jackson really needs a new home - why chewing things is a sign that he is unhappy. Ian cried, but he didn't really fight me like he's done in the past. It seemed to help when he saw the "why" of the situation, instead of just being told that a decision has been made. Thanks for your insight!

  (By the way, since Jackson eats my plants, we've been forced to set up a dog run along the side of our house. It is about 5' wide by say... 60 feet long. I think you are right when you suggest that he may be an outdoor dog, but again, I think the outdoor space we can provide him is not what he needs - he DOES deserve something better - and now I know that it is essential that his new home have plenty of space to run and play in! Thanks!)

  Odrade,

  I appreciate your humility, and I forgive you! I know you have a deep passion for our furry friends, and again I say, thank goodness people like you exist to watch out for them all, especially under the worst of circumstances.

  Thank you also for your suggestions. When you mentioned that most puppies desensitize themselves through exploration, a light bulb went off for me that Jackson did very little exploration. And upon thinking about it, I wouldn't be surprised if it is something they MUST go through in order to reach a milestone later in their lives. For example, all human children need to crawl within a certain time frame because the particular mechanics involved in crawling help to ignite specific brain synapses that are developing during that time. My son "scooted" - by pulling himself with one arm while pushing with one leg. He never actually crawled until he was nearly a year old, and didn't walk until he was 16 months old. As you mentioned earlier, my son has Asperger's Syndrome, which is a high functioning form of autism. There have been many studies which confirm a comonality among people with a disorder along the autistic spectrum who either never crawled, or crawled very late. (This isn't to say that all people who never crawled exhibit some form of autism, or that all autistic people never crawled. It is just a common factor among those diagnosed with these disorders.) Perhaps because Jackson never did much "exploration", perhaps it affected him developmentally. I'm not a veterinarian, but given the relevance of a "lost" childhood necessity with my son, it wouldn't surprise me if this were the case with Jackson, as well.

  At any rate, thank you for bringing to my attention the dangers of "puppy bootcamp" and the existence of desensitizing training. I suppose it's a good thing that you sometimes come on like a Mack truck, because sometimes I'm so thick-headed, that the only thing which can actually penetrate my dense walls is a Mack truck! A match made in Heaven, I say!

  TresHappy,

  Great idea! I never thought to check with our local Humane Society! Sometimes the most obvious solution is the hardest to find!

  Thanks everyone for your concern and the time you took to share with me!

  imallgrowedup
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  Jim_TX

  Ummm... I know it's time to put this thread to bed (Hey! It rhymes!), but I just had to add one last comment...

  Your dog is named 'Jackson'.

  Hmmm... I resemble that name. *wide grin*

  Regards,

  Jim TX
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  imallgrowedup

  Jim,

  Okay! I'll bite! (No pun intended!) What do you mean?! (Is your name Jim Jackson?!)

  imallgrowedup