"Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return home from work."
(and then fix the sumptuous meal in between retrieving the child who missed his bus, and taking another to gymnastics, and the dishwasher repairman who promised to show up before noon, but finally rolls into your driveway at 4:15 p.m.)
"This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home."
(of course we aren't hungry, because we have spent a leisurely afternoon sipping tea and eating bon-bons as we watch our favorite soap opera)
"and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish is part of the warm welcome needed. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest, so you will be refreshed when he arrives."
(Okay, where exactly while we are cooking this sumptuous meal, that we planned last night, are we supposed to find 15 minutes to rest without having something on the stove boil over or burn and the kids not even notice? After school my kids bug me constantly to the point where to be alone at all I have to lock the bathroom door and then they stand outside it and either pound on it or yell their questions at the top of their lungs, so relaxing!)
"Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair, and be fresh looking."
(I have never actually had time to put makeup on most days, and as for putting a ribbon in my hair, I went to short hair a couple of years ago because I never had time to mess with it either. I do run my fingers through it -- usually in frustration -- often in the afternoon)
"He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift, and one of your duties is to provide it."
(Wait one minute here. I have spent a day of back breaking manual labor, scrubbing bathrooms, doing piles and piles of laundry, and scraping *whatever* off the kitchen counter that my children left there from doing dishes last night. Add to that the pre-schoolers that I have had to read _Fun With Barney_ to 15 times, and then they watched the same video they have seen twice a day every day for a MONTH or they would scream, and He needs me to be gay and interesting for Him?)
"Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house, just before your husband arrives. Gather up school books, toys, papers, etc. and the run a dust cloth over the tables."
(To keep my house uncluttered until my husband came home, I would have to follow our beloved first born child with a laundry hamper and garbage sack, and then the other four would mess things up anyway. I figure if he has a clear path from the door, and the dust bunnies aren't bigger than the children, I have done my best)
"Over the cooler months of the year, you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by."
(That's what you are supposed to do with all the clutter you collect in your final walk through of the house, chuck it all in the fireplace and BURN IT! Makes sense to me. Be careful though, if you don't have a fireplace, they may lock you up for making a bonfire on the family room floor. Hey at least you'll get some privacy)
"Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction."
(Unless, like most husbands he doesn't even notice that you have done anything, and he leaves a trail of stuff from the door to his bedroom, and says "Meatloaf again" and "interesting taste, blackened Mashed potatoes, is it Cajun?")
"Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet."
(Correct me if I am wrong on this but wouldn't muzzles or duct tape be considered child abuse? Also if my washer and dryer don't run almost constantly there aren't any clean clothes, and nudism is considered against public decency laws around here. I would love to be done with my chores by the time he gets home.)
"Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile, and show sincerity in your desire to please him."
(Of course I am happy to see him, He can reinforce to my wailing child that a broken fingernail is no excuse for not doing homework, and she really doesn't need a calculator to figure out her math, and why didn't she tell me two weeks ago that she had to have a science fair project turned in tomorrow!)
"Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours."
( and this is because . . . ?)
"Make the evening his."
( He can supervise homework. He can monitor what is being watched on TV. He can change diapers. He can make sure everyone gets their bath. He can supervise the dishes which are being done by our absentminded daughter who tends to put everything on the bottom rack of the dishwasher and then forget to turn it on, he can feed and walk the dog, He can run the kids to the library and make that science fair project -- Hey finally one I like!)
"Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, and his very real need to be at home and relax."
(uh --uh -- bless me father for I have had uncharitable thoughts about my husband, . . . I sure wish someone had a phone in confession line for times like this)
"Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity, where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he's late home for dinner, or even stays out all night. Count this as minor, compared to what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Don't ask him questions about his actions, or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such, will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness."
(And besides, you're not allowed to kill him)
er.....I didn't write this, btw.
