My story - still stuck 'in'

by Mysterious 18 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Mulan

  I want to tell you about our family. My elderly mother is the only one who is still a JW. I have a niece who is gay and she came out to the family many years ago............she is in her 30's now. We were still JW's then, but we accepted her because we love her. We rarely saw her in those days, but her being a gay woman didn't change our love for her. She had been raised as a JW until she was about 14. At that time, her mother died, and my brother, her father, went through a terrible time, eventually stopping being a JW.

  My mother, her grandmother, accepts her and her partner, no questions asked. It is amazing to all of us that she responded the way she did, but she loves her grand daughter.

  Don't assume your mother will react badly. I am sure she will be shocked, and probably hurt and disappointed, but she loves you. Even if she had a bad initial reaction, she will come around. Don't underestimate a mother's love for her child.
• 

  Joyzabel

  Welcome Mysterious.

  Wow, what a journey and what a distrance you have yet to go.

  I agree with this: " Don't underestimate a mother's love for her child".

  Your mom maybe pushing you to be a good JW because she "knows" down deep that you are who you are.

  Hugs,

  j2bf
• 

  JamesThomas

  Beautifully expressed, Mysterious. Be true to you. You have been through a lot, and you are undergoing much suffering this moment for things which may or may not happen in the future. Sometimes our thoughts can be our worst enemy. Be true to you, Mysterious. Be kind. Spend more time out in nature and give attention to the exquisite sense of aliveness within you while in the moment. See, how when you let your mind jump into the future or fall into the past, you bleed and suffer. Don't judge it, just see how the mind and emotions work. You can choose then not to drown in them, if you don't want to. Be true to you. When we try and be true to someone else's idea of us, we suffer because we are living a lie. If your mother truly loves you, then she will accept you no matter. If she loves only her idea of you, then you didn't really lose anything but an illusion anyway. Be true to you and let your love be true. Love your mother no matter her choice. This will heal her if she becomes wounded. You will get through this. It is plain to see you are strong and wise. j
• 

  Euphemism

  Welcome to the board, Mysterious. I admire you for opening up and sharing that with us... everything you've had to deal with is heartbreaking.

  I just want to tell you something about my own experience. After my wife (fiancee at the time) and I decided that we were going to leave the Witnesses, we didn't feel ready to tell our family; her especially. Also, our wedding was coming up in a few months, and we wanted everyone to be able to attend. So we decided to keep it a secret until after the wedding.

  The truth ended up coming out just before the wedding; someone in whom we'd confided snitched. And several of our friends said that what hurt them the most was not our decision to leave, but rather the fact that we had deceived them for several months.

  So my advice to you, for what it's worth, is: don't delay too long before telling your mom. It will spare you the agony of keeping up the charade, and it will spare her the hurt of feeling deceived.

  I could be wrong, of course, but that's just my personal experience. Whatever you decide, I hope things work out well for you. My thoughts are with you.
• 

  Mysterious

  Thanks for the responses all. I'm glad there is somewhere I can go and be among people who will support me. I see my dad even remembered to put spaces after his punctuation will wonders never cease.
• 

  Nosferatu

  First of all, welcome Mysterious! You have a very interesting story to tell.

  But naw the hopes of keeping the family together hinges on me.

  I used to think this as well. Still to this day, my parents are battling to get me to take sides. I was always caught in the middle of everything. What I've come to learn is that I have my own life, and I'm not responsible for the decisions my parents make based on my actions. It's their decisions of what to do with their lives, not mine.

  I need her money for college.

  This was an issue with me not so long ago. But it had nothing to do with the JWs. I want to buy a house next year, and I was staying under the roof of my controlling father. Living at home saved me a lot of money, but it was getting to the point where I couldn't handle the stress of having my life controlled by another person. I've moved out since then. I'm not rich, but I'm getting by. Things will improve in time. At least, emotionally, I'm happy.

  She's not proud of the real me, she hates me, she's ashamed of me. She just doesnt know it yet.

  This is a very brilliant statement. One thing you have to remember is she's being told what to hate. She can hate it because nothing in her life is causing her to think differently right now. You may in fact be able to change this. You have one thing that cannot separate the bond between you and your mother - the WTS. You were never baptized, so she has no excuse to shun you.

  You're very lucky to have your father supporting you in all your life decisions. A lot of people here don't have that and have had to struggle to get where they are today.

  I wish you luck on your future adventures!
• 

  Jankyn

  I had goosebumps the entire time I read your story, Mysterious. Flashback twenty-five years, and it's my story. Except of course for the supportive father...blessings on you, Poztate.

  I, too, dodged the baptism bullet. I knew what the consequences would be once I were found out, and I knew what disfellowshipping would cost me. When I finally came out to my family--after my first year of college--my mother stopped speaking to me. That lasted for nine years. Now, we have an on-and-off thing--she'll talk to me, but it can get dicey if there's been any recent WT propaganda about gays--but it's not what I'd call a good relationship.

  I hope that the words of encouragement from others--and the support from your dad--are helpful. But even though it meant losing the relationship with my mother, I would not have done it differently. I believe that if I had continued to try to live a lie, the stress and guilt would have led me to take my own life, which would have been an incredible waste. What's more, the relationship with my mother wasn't that good to start with. I realize now that I spent most of my adolescence in fear of her "disfellowshipping" me--being cut off from her love. It made me dishonest, fearful and insecure. I didn't trust her. All that boils down to a pretty crappy relationship in the first place.

  There has been more than enough joy in the intervening 25 years to offset any loss. College, graduate school, a career, a happy relationship (going on 15 years). And, the older I get, the more I realize that it's my mother who lost out. She chose to limit our relationship and not be a part of my life. I remain willing to reconcile--with no criticism of her religious beliefs (at least in her presence!)--at any time.

  Meanwhile, hang in there, kid. It will get better.

  Best,

  Jankyn, of the happy lesbian class
• 

  jgnat

  The JW experience muddles up the natural progression to independence all children must go through. To be fully your own self it is really important to remove your dependence on your mother's financial support. Even if it means taking a part-time job and reducing your costs somehow, the independence of being in charge of your own future is priceless.

  Once you are truly in charge, your feelings of being trapped and pressured will dissipate. No one should drag themselves through life feeling like a slave.

  Then there will be only one problem left. How to tell mom. Or you could do it the Liberace way, and deny, deny, deny. I still meet women in love with the man who refuse to believe that he was gay.
• 

  Mysterious

  I had goosebumps the entire time I read your story, Mysterious. Flashback twenty-five years, and it's my story.

  I've always found it amazing when I read stories that have commonality with mine. It's one of the things that was instrumental in helpingm e to figure everything out. I guess the experience is remarkably similar for a lot of people. The only problem I ever had with those stories is those people never had a JW background and could never really understand the whole shunning thing. It's nice to find people here who have the whole package.