Rec'd a letter from my Dad - need some advice...

Fadeaway3pointer

Fader here - last meeting was in Autumn 2005. Lurker on this site and others. Not one to get all controversial.

Typical situation, pretty much a born in and left the church at age 38 and never looked back.

I'm 53 now, parents getting older - late 70s but very active, Dad is still an Elder.

Parents, In Laws, Brother and Brother-in-Law still uber active JWs.

My family (wife and 2 adult children) out since 2005.

We have stayed close to our parents - we have treaded religion lightly and have had a pretty good relationship and have kept our personal lives and beliefs/opinions separated from them. This was intentional - as we love them and do not want anything to cause shunning since they are getting older and want to be there for them and we respect their beliefs.

Got this letter today. Note: we did not celebrate Xmas this year - too much going on and frankly it doesn't have the meaning for us since we were raised JW. We do like Xmas and the family togetherness and we give gifts to our grown children - sometimes go overboard on the gifts since they never celebrated growing up...

Need some advice on a response or should I just ignore? My Father is very rigid, to the point - black and white guy - pretty much a nerd (he is an electrical engineer from his pre-JW education...) He has never been emotional and has gotten very upset in the past when we did talk about why I don't want to be JW. He is totally brainwashed.

The letter - sent via USPS with a "Return to Jehovah" brochure inside the envelope:

"Dear XXXX,

I am writing this short and concise letter instead of phoning you as it would have resulted in unproductive emotional verbal exchanges by both of us.

Over the past few years your Mom and I have "looked the other way" with dangerous "sentimentality" regarding you and your family's deviation from spiritual standards. However, we have recently become aware of you and XYXY celebrating Christmas. We suspected such activity was going on, but now it is confirmed. Additionally, it is no secret that there is/was unscriptural cohabitation by your children in your own home.

We know you love us, and we you too, but it is evident that our lifestyles and conduct standards do not coincide.

Therefore, since our loyalty to the God we worship supercedes family loyalty, your Mom and I have mustered up enough courage to limit contact with you and your family to only "necessary family business". We hope you will respect our stand on this.

Your Mom and I dream that someday that this situation will be corrected by you and your family returning to Jehovah, and to us. But that is up to you and them. To that end I am enclosing an appropriate brochure. Please XXXX, don't throw it away. Even show it to the rest of the family. Or just set it aside in a safe place and at some point it might be seriously considered!

Sincerely,

(still your) Mom and Dad

PS: we suspect that after reading this letter you will be outraged and then text, or call on the phone, or drive down to express your negative thoughts and feelings towards us, the congregation and the organization. Please don't. Our hearts hurt enough already.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

Thanks.

road to nowhere

Ignore it. If necessary family business comes uo ( death, birth, illness or...) communicate the information. Otherwise leave tge ball in their court.

Next year put up lights

ToesUp

The typical JW uber letter. It's all about them, not you. You have left US and you have hurt US.

Quick question: How did they find out you celebrated Xmas and "unscriptual cohabitation in your home?"

We are getting similar vibes from our uber side of the family. To be honest, I believe they are seeing a lot of "fading" within the congregations. It seems like they are all banning together to get you "back in play." We see it too.

It's all conditional love. You live OUR way or YOU'RE OTTA HERE! I know it hurt's but this is manipulation and bullying. You may just need to be honest. We hate to loose family but unfortunately it is part of the process. I know...we are feeling it too.

We were VERY honest with our family. The uber's are shunning us and the "fence sitters" still seem to love us. It's sad but it is what it is. The "fence sitters" see the problems within the cult.

I think we are going to see more and more of this as the cult shrinks.WT is really ramping up the shunning and the "last of the last days." They have everyone shaking in their boots at the Kingdom Halls.

Fadeaway3pointer

Have no clue on where the Christmas accusation is from. They knew my daughter and her boyfriend live in our apartment we built. Not part of our house. They never said anything about that but boy - celebrate xmas and you are Bad!!!

Listener

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do except going along with their request to have no contact with them.

It doesn't matter that you didn't celebrate Christmas this year, they may have found out about the present giving from past years.

Are they still going to be talking to your adult children? You will want to talk to them, show them the letter and brochure. They may be the outraged ones.

Having been shunned by my father, it was never outrage that I felt. Why do JWs think that is how their shunned kids will feel. Rather, it is an overwhelming sadness but also with an understatement of why this is happening, something that many don't understand.

It is the Watchtower along with the Governing Body that is responsible for this. Any outrage is directed towards them. It is those men that demand exclusive devotion to them over the natural affection that JWs have for their own families. They break up families.

I am sorry this has happened to you. I am also sorry this has happened to your parents. It will be just as hard for them (and in some cases, maybe more because it's not natural). There will be lots of tears.

It saddens me to see that they couldn't even sign the letter with 'love'. It's a twisted, evil organization.

JW_Researcher

Very sorry you're in this situation.

Time is going to have to pass but, as you're aware, there is no 'happy ending' to this tale.

Again, very sorry you and your family have to deal with this.

joey jojo

Yep, its all about them, as Toesup said.

To be honest, we all know brothers like your Dad and reasoning with them is tough.

Maybe you could remind your Dad that he raised you in a religion that was his choice, not yours.

'Dangerous sentimentality' sounds like a new buzz-term.

tiki

Sad...but not surprising. My take on it is that you need to detach emotionally...and responding would be counter productive.... Let it go....down the road apiece you could send a gift basket or flowers or something with just a " thinking of you...hope all is well" type message. Just to.show that you have a heart despite their cutting ties. Take care...your peace and happiness are important...not bending to religious zealotism....

ToesUp

Great responses above.

I guess there is really nothing that you can say to your parents that will make them WANT to be a part of your lives. Listener said it best, they couldn't even sign with love. Yes, WT does break up families but the family also goes along with it.

I came across a quote today. I thought about responding to a family members shunning of us but thought....why bother, it will make NO difference to them. I'm sorry that you are feeling the effects of the shunning. Hang in there and know that so many here have been and are where you are now. Hugs to you.

Quote: "Don't waste words on people who deserve your silence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all."

Fadeaway3pointer

What is tough is that we have been close for past 15 years. I call my Mom weekly and speak with my Dad a couple times per month. Visit them at least once per month. Took them out to dinner in October and then brought food over and had dinner with them early December.

My wife commented a couple days ago that we hadnt heard from them and that we should go see them (we live about an hour away)

so its hard to just cut off - love them deeply - and i know that time is running out due to their age and health. I do not want to miss out on being close to them for the time left. I love my family more than any religion. We have been so cautious around them for so long in order to not lose them. Hurts deeply.

Rec'd a letter from my Dad - need some advice...

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