Alone

Deleteandrestart

Since I woke up one year ago , I've been doing a somewhat controlled fade , the experience I've had has been a very solitary one , I don't mean by not seeing anyone I know because I know hundreds in several congregations and I was an elder .

But just coming to terms with the fact that this was no longer the solution to life's problems, that I'd wasted so much time, that as I sat in the Kh and heard everyone comment, my heart was no longer in it , I no longer fitted in ..... I felt that they were in the congregation all under the spell or some form of hypnosis from the wtbts,

it was like for the first time in my experience at the Kh , that I was the only one to see What was actually going on , the indoctrination, the guilt tripping, I could see it all as clear as day , and yet I had as it where a metal gag over my mouth, I couldn't speak to anyone about it for fear of them turning me into the spiritual police.

At that time and now I feel the most Lonley man in the hall ..... And after a year still no one knows.

Mare any of you in the same position?

Iown Mylife

Hello D&R,

your situation is so difficult because you do know the real purpose of the org, and having to hide your knowledge. It's like playing dead after you've been shot.

In my case being an r&f sister totally mind controlled, I had lots of cognitive dissonance but was convinced that it was my own fault that I wasn't fitting in. I had quit the meetings for quite awhile before waking up. I couldn't stand the whole environment anymore. I couldn't even sing along with the songs, I was so mad that they had all been changed and I didn't want to learn them. Everything that was said irritated me but I thought it was my fault for lack of spirituality. The hypocrisy everywhere I looked was sickening, but I thought I was bad for not being patient and let Jehovah take care of things.

Later I learned that the entire way my mind worked had been deliberately programmed. If you see something wrong, don't believe it. The whole piss on your leg and tell you it's raining syndrome. Just look away, leave it in Jehovah's hands. I stopped caring what those people thought of me.

My husband and daughter were out already, so finally I stopped going, and sometime after that I started watching ex-witness you tube. Then read Crisis of Conscience. Not long after that we sent our disassociation letter, so that the elders would not come around anymore.

Learning of the pedophile fiasco sealed the deal. There are plenty of reasons to get out of WT but that is the overriding and compelling reason in my opinion.

If you have to go to the meetings then it will help to hang out in this forum. Lots of support and folks who are coping with similar situations.

Marina

PS

one thing I observed several times that was just awful, was how people were treated if they went to the elders and told them about some wrongdoing. Then THEY would be targeted by the elders as troublemakers. For years, several times a week, the message is hammered out that serious wrongdoing should be told to an elder. Not gossiped about, but carried to an elder - that was the right procedure. Then your eyes are opened! The elders like to kill the messenger. They teach in practical ways, by many cuts and slights, that you should keep your mouth firmly shut.

tornapart

I know exactly what you mean.. you want to scream and shout and tell them how deluded they are but know if you did that, that would be the end of it. Maybe that's why it's so hard to sit there and stomach it all (on the days you decide to go). You sit there and wonder if you're the only one who feels this way. Even if family and friends have an inkling of how you feel they have difficulty understanding it and even if they are well on the way to waking up themselves they still either feel guilty or still believe it's the 'truth' despite all the bad stuff they see in the congregation. You feel so desperate to get them out but know it's a go slow process, two steps forward, one step back. And then they shut down and don't want to hear anymore as the CD kicks in. It's a terribly lonely place to be!

oppostate

I'm awake and still feeling trapped in this cult due to family.

It's a sickening feeling to read in the WT that they know it's wrong to divide a family over religion, that a religion shouldn't force families apart. And yet, that is exactly what they do. They, the WT hierarchs, fully know the emotional and mental pressure this can have on a person. They insist on absolute "loyalty" and will not tolerate anyone to speak against their controlling policies.

Having this forum to voice frustrations and share experiences with folks that have gone and are going through something similar is a real help for me--mentally, emotionally and in a subconscious level which I'm not fully able to pinpoint, coming to JWDF (Jehovah's Witness Discussion Forum) is like a breath of air when you're drowning, or an inoculation shot when you're surrounded by infectious disease, it's like a good shot of whiskey when going through a tragedy.

Finding out I wasted the most productive and best years of my adult life at the mercy and control of a self-serving cult is without a doubt a grievous tragedy. That said, I'm pouring myself a double and cheers to freedom of mind.

crazy_flickering_light

I know what you mean. I have to go to every meeting, can't fade at the moment and it is very hard to hear all the lies. You can't talk to anybody TTATT, I have to give talks and I'm stressed every time, that I don't tell the crap from the bOrg.

The only place where I can really exist like I am, is the internet. Hope that this change sometimes. I try my best. So I only can wish you enough power to deal with it.

But a happy thing: I was able to wake up a friend. He isn't fully awake but on a very good way. So there is hope.

sowhatnow

oh boy, do your watchtowers look like rainbows, lol, with highligting all over them and side margin notes with explanation points, lol. it got so i couldnt stay for the wt anymore.

im sure there are lots of us that sat in a khall basically being nothing more than a chair warmer.

it sucks i know. when i was going to meetings still, I wanted to just jump up and either scream or run out the door. many times i left after the talk, stopped going to the service meets way sooner. I have always had allergies, and lots of time or me was spent in the back. then id leave early. so allergies was my reason for leaving in thier opinion. [one person with perfume on too close to me, and id be a mess] it got to the point many many years ago, that to be in a car group was impossible, id do nothing but blow my nose, so my 'service went first', lol. i was once asked to do letter writting, i said sure, i did it for a couple times, and stopped. but they assumed I was doing that. no one was worried about me.

If may i ask, why are you still going? wife, family? is there a way you can claim to be going to another hall for a while ? where i live id go to two different congs, my moms and the one i went to , everyone knew that i used to go to my moms hall , so when was not at meeting they all assumed i was at my moms cong, especially sundays, since id go over my moms house for the day, after the meeting. no one knew if i went or not. if any one would say 'oh i havent seen you in a while, id say oh i was going to my moms, or i was going down to so -n- so's hall, or i was sick and 'listening in' on the phone, so i always had an excuse. they just werent concerned. and Im sure they viewed me as having ' personal and health' probems, 4 years earlier i went through a seperation and moved away for a time. barely anyone even noticed i left for 4 months! lol, hows that for 'sheparding'. right now im divorced and living alone, no girlfriend to talk to about the grief of my divorce or my sons up coming wedding or anything . no cousins or siblings to talk to that are my age. I sure cant talk to my adult kids about my personal issues. plus my son is in another state.

what sucks is I litterally have no one but this forum to vent to and thats not helping he way i need.and i never knew sites ike this were even around until just when i joined. so maybe your feeling that same frustration. as far as fading, gee,

you might want to develope allergies... or have Ibs, lol, visit that bathroom a lot, [ibs is stress related ] people will wonder what your problem is, lol. then leave early due to IBS, then start to stay home to 'listen in' or not... perhaps you can speed up your exit.

AnonVet

I'm there as well. I don't associate with anybody when I go. Just in and out. I never did talk much, but now I just want nothing to do with most of these people. I've already mentally cut myself off from them. Now, there are a few that are fun and I wish they would wake up, but that's the way it is.

pearlsister

I know exactly what you mean. I felt so lonely at the KH too. Specially when you realize that everything is base on a lie. But I rather live the present and not live in limbo after a false illusion.

When ever you are ready , you will leave the KH.

I thought I would NEVER be able to do that. One day, after an awful service meeting , I arrived home, and said.. "this is the last time they will see me at the KH I got enough " Since last summer, I have not come back.

I have received a lot of msges and wasaps..etc from Elders, sisters...but I don't reply to them. Bc I know that anything I say, can be turn against me.

I hope you get enough strength to leave the KH. You will be much happier

aboveusonlysky

Deleteandrestart I have been in a very similar position until recently and your description of meetings is spot on, they can be excruciating and circuit visits/assemblies are even worse.

You say you're doing a somewhat controlled fade so try to remember that as long as you have an end game in mind every meeting you complete is one you won't have to do again (I still have to go occasionally so that's what I tell myself)

Also maybe try to tell someone who is not a jw your experience if it's safe to do so, maybe someone at work? The first 'worldly' person I told was my doctor and it was a truly liberating experience that made me feel 10 times better about myself.

If it gets too rough go to less meetings and say anxiety/depression is the cause, it will quicken your fade plus jdubs really struggle to deal with those things so they may leave you alone, of course everyone's situation is different but try to hang in there, we're here for you.

Deleteandrestart

To sowhatnow...... I am still going because after practically a lifetime in the organisation I have so many people I know and some are really close friends.... I gently tried to wake some up but its hopeless, even with the most intelligent and perceptive friends the C D kicks in . It's amazing. My wife who is quite sick stopped coming more or less straight away under the guise of her illness,

but I refuse to let the wtbts deprive me of a lifetime of friends and contacts just because I no longer believe there deluded stories.

Alone

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