My parents did not really shun me when I left but I am now breaking their hearts…

by sinboi 11 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  sinboi

  If they have shunned me and chase me out of the house when I leave the cult, I would not give a damn. But they didn’t. I can still feel their love and concern for me even now.

  Though I have moved out voluntarily when I joined the army, I am afraid that the life I am living now will break their hearts. I am now a bartender in a bar and am cohabiting with a woman. I know my parents will not approve of my life now.

  I have to lie to my parents that I am a technician and am living alone.

  They may have to shun me if they know how I living my life now. I would not blame them. I deserved to be shunned. I have broken their hearts.

  Please offer me some advice.
• 

  carla

  You do NOT deserve to be shunned especially by 2 people who are supposed to show natural affection and unconditional love to their child.

  You have not broken their hearts; you are living your life; as it should be. Children are supposed to fly and leave the nest and do their OWN life even if mom & dad might disagree. I am sure they must do things that you don't agree with.

  Honoring your parents does not mean you must listen to them as if you are child the rest of your life.

  You went through boot camp and don't have the balls to tell them about your life? how is that possible? do you love the girl? doesn't she deserve to be acknowledged by mom & dad for good or bad? what about if you ever have kids? My advice would be that you are package deal and they don't get to play with kids unless they honor your new family (be it you & girl or you, girl & kids) and abide by your rules regarding your family.

  I say this as a former military mom with great affection to you and thank you for your service.

  Parents will always worry. I am glad you can feel their love and concern but do not confuse that with the maturity that you should have by now.

  (I forget if the Army calls it 'bootcamp' my apologies if it is something else, I'm a Marine mom)
• 

  Sea Breeze

  My advice is to read up on co-dependency and boundaries.
• 

  Witness 007

  It's hard but do whatever to keep them in your life. They are brainwashed you can't fix that. I told my mum whatever she wanted to hear till she died...at least I was there.
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  Phizzy

  I was told by a JW relative that I had broken my mother's heart when I left, it was on the tip of my tongue to say to him " But my heart was broken in that she never grew up spiritually and hung on to childish beliefs " or similar. Which was true, I was really cut up that until she died she stuck with her beliefs, which included no longer having a proper relationship with me anymore. Not full on J.W shunning, but simply family business only with mum.

  I didn't say it, because he was shortly about to die, I knew this would be our last conversation, and I wanted it to end on a pleasant note, we had been related and friends for over six decades.

  What I am trying to say is that the responsibility for any emotional pain felt by the JW's in our close family, and pain felt by us, is ,in fact, down to THEM.
• 

  waytodawn

  Wait... you joined the army and they approved?
  And you are afraid they won't approve you living with a woman?
• 

  sinboi

  Would you be more lenient with a person who was forced to do something bad than a person who chooses to do bad?

  It is same with the army issue. All male citizens at 18 years of age need to join the army. Failure to do so will result in a jail sentence. My parents were duly aware of that and knows in advance I will have to join the army.

  The main problem is that I have a 180 degrees change in me before and after the army. When I DA at 15, I was still somewhat POMI. This give my parents the hope that I will return one day.

  But after I moved out, and under the bad influence from my army and the enticement of this world , my life have changed. I have become a full POMO.

  If my parents were to find out how I am living my life, they will be shocked. They will be sad and disappointed that I have no intention of returning.

  My dad should be able to take it but my mum won't. She will have her dream shattered. All because of ME!
• 

  stan livedeath

  HER dream..shattered.

  Theres your answer.
• 

  Anony Mous

  I wouldn’t be too concerned, plenty of parents kind of sidestep the organization’s direction when it comes to children. Given you have been in the army, they probably can guess you’ve been doing things they may not approve of. It sounds like you’re somewhere in Asia, the culture there is different as well and parents are less likely to give up their children in favor of an American cult.

  My suggestion is just be honest, let your parents figure out their feelings. If you have at least one parent on your side as it sounds like you do, it will be very difficult for the other parent to follow through, there are natural bonds.
• 

  StephaneLaliberte

  Parents give advises and guard rails for their kids hoping things will turn out fine for them.

  For instance, sex before marriage comes with the risks of STDs and undesired pregnancies. Smoking causes cancer. In the army, you might follow morally questionable orders. Hanging out late at night in questionable cases might result in bar fights/death/rape, etc.

  Now, there are parents that go crazy when you take risks as simply assume that you will suffer the consequences. This tends to be even worst with religious parents. And so, they start their grieving process, bracing for what they see as inevitable.

  Sure there are ways to mitigate the risks and lower them to the same level as other activities perfectly acceptable to religious people, such as driving, swimming in a lac/river, having cosmetic surgery, etc.

  I honestly don't have much advise on how to deal with your parents, but at least, I tried to explain WHY they are impacted by your choices. Its not rational or logical. But its there anyways.
  
  Should you keep lying to your parents? Well, if it doesn't interfere with your life, why not? Its not the best, but some relationship might be better then none at all.

  Then again, you might also ask yourself: Is an untruthful relationship still better than none at all?

  Only you can decide for yourself.