Ghiagirl,
I truly empathize with your circumstances and your dilema. For over a 20 year period, I gave my JW family tens of thousands of dollars in cash and resources (e.g. laptops, cars). Here is summary of the circumstances:
- My family, like many JWs, do not know how to manage money and have not been planing for the present let alone the future.
- My family, like many JWs, believe that the DF'ed are just another source of "unrighteous riches" that they feel they can tap into.
- As I was DF'ed, I felt for many years an overbearing sense of guilt that compelled me to buy their attention even love. The only time they contacted me was when they needed something and I, being the fool, would be so grateful that it never occurred to me the nature of the relationship.
- When I was no longer a JW, I focused my time and energy on working hard in building a safety net for myself. Therefore, I had resources that I could share and felt selfish not to do so.
This was a perfect storm for exploitation.
I would not presume to offer you advice because your circumstances may be unique. However, here are some thoughts to consider from my experience:
1. Even if they tell you it is a "loan" for "this one time", please be prepared that they may never pay you back and continue to keep asking for more in the future.
2. Don't let them trade on your guilt. You are not responsible for their poor financial decisions and, if you feel like they have the moral high-ground, please remember that they, unlike you, are supporting a criminal organization.
3. Don't be fooled into thinking you are "their last best hope". Their indoctrination excuses and even encourages a parasitic attitude to "worldly" social services (e.g. my family are experts at milking social services, which, by the way, you and everyone else pays for in taxes). In addition, they can try and tap "the friends" they constantly fawn over.
4. Have a clear view of what sacrifices you will have to make vs. the ones they will have to make. For example, my family asked me for money but they had cable TV, took vacations, and did not live to a budget (On a side note, in my book, if you don't have a budget, you are broke and just don't know it). If you have to go without cable, or vacations, and adhere to a budget, they should as well.
5. If after all of this you decide to help them, set boundaries and condition that you can live with. For me, it was telling them that they would not receive any money from me unless we worked towards having a normal family relationship. I have not heard back from them in 4 years.
My family, like many JWs, are not bad people. They simply have poor planning and financial skills, have been conditioned to use people not in their in-group in any way they want, and are convinced that the end will come soon enough that their problems will go away.
Like I said, I truly empathize. It is not easy walking the tightrope between wanting to help people you love and enabling their ongoing self-destructive delusion. I for one, will no longer pick up the tab.
