I'm not an artist or I would put together the picture in my mind for all to see. The visual I am going to present may be repulsive to some, but this is how I feel. --
Take a nylon cord and make a noose at one end and put in loosely around a toddlers neck. Not taut, very loosely, as if it feels like a necklace. The loose end fails down the toddlers chest and drags along the ground as he walks around. Even in his nakedness, he wears this "necklace". It gives him security to know that his parents can reach out and grab hold of the loose end should he start to stumble. What blessed, loving parents to give me such security.
A couple years go by. I haven't started growing too fast yet, so the noose is still loose. Not as loose as it was. In fact, it won't go back over my head. But it's still loose enough that it acts as a non threating security device. As I enter my development ages in school, my parents soon learn that I am running around on the playground chasing girls, playing at recess, and generally socializing. Upon learning this, they decide that I am about to stumble as I am not prepared to understand what belies my fate should I continue such dangerous activities. So, they call me into their space one evening, and tell me that what they are going to do is going to hurt them more than me. With such reassuring love I obediantly comply with their request to remove all my clothes and turn my back to them. They proceed to tie the loose end of the noose to one of my ankles. I am allowed to get dressed and continue my life as if nothing changed.
With the restraint in place, I continue to attempt the activities that seemed so normal, only to learn that I fell everytime I chased a girl. So, I slowed down so as not to trip myself. That worked, but now not only could I not catch any girls, I was terrible at running the bases, couldn't long jump, and couldn't get out of the bullies way fast enough to save myself from many black eyes and bruises to my self-esteem. My parents were right. Look how bad everything got. My, Oh my, I had no idea. When I explained to them what was happening, they reassured me that they have successfully tempered the pain that I would be feeling if they had not been so loving as to restrain my ambitions. I go to school everyday telling everyone what lovely parents I have for not allowing me to participate in such destuctive past-times.
As time goes on, I adjust quite well to my restraint. I realize the love and unselfishness that my parents where able to have in their hearts. But, something is slightly amiss. I can't quite figure it out. As I continue to grow, the noose feels as though it is getting smaller. I question my parents and they assure me that that is not the case. In fact, they say, your are simply becoming aware that the noose is not a security blanket, but a reminder of your previous faults. Once you repent your childish behaviors in your childhood, and assure us and our god that you will not regress to such pathetic ways, we assure you that the noose will no longer affect you the way it appears.
I tell them I understand. They have been so loving and kind, why wouldn't I understand. But something was still bothering me. So I go back to them and explain that I understand that the noose isn't really affecting me like I thought it was. But, the restraint at my ankles is affecting me. You see, I am growing and the cord is getting taut now. I can't even straighten my legs entirely. Ah, my parents tell me, that is so you will strenghten. You see, the cord is nylon, so it will stretch if you are strong enough, and then you can straighten your legs. How loved again. I am too weak. They have helped me understand my shortcomings. I am so thankful to have such loving parents.
I work daily on strengthening so that I may stretch the restraint. I am only after comfort at this point and I am even too weak to obtain that. What must I do? I pray nightly for repentence and eat spiritual food for strength. I try talking to my parents on a regular basis. Without their love I am certain that I would never get the strength I need. But I keep growing.
I eventually grow to the point that the noose is feeling tight. I approach my parents and tell them all I have done to redeem myself and to make myself stronger. They are at a loss as to why I am now troubled. Why is the noose bothering you then? What more do you want from us? You are only concerned about yourself, and that itself is a sin of unthinkable proportions. They tell me that they cannot help me overcome this problem. For I have grown and it is time for me to let go of my childish ways. That thus must assert tough love if I am to ever overcome all my shortcomings. Obviously, they have done everything in their power to show all my faults to me, but I have not listened well nor heeded all their advice in the manner that I should have. They turn there backs on me and tell me to go talk to the wise men that have trained them. For their wisdom is much greater than theirs. My parents loved me so much that they humbled themselves to recognize that they could no longer help me. That had shortcomings too. But they could admint them. How noble. I love my parents.
So off I run, with the steps of an infant, to see the wise men and to ask for counsel. Upon meeting with them they are astonished that I have any problems whatsoever. My parents have done such a wonderful job. They have done nothing but show unconditional love. They have even taught me how to strengthen myself so that I may follow others at a greater pace. These men where very wise indeed, for they spoke the truth. How they knew my parents did all that for me, I never quite figured out. But they knew.
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At some point I found that my strength was being wasted by stretching the restraint. Atleast I felt that way, but everyone around me said I was wrong. But I listened to myself, how or why I dont know. I was told I was listening to Satan not God. But I started to think that since Satan was created by god anyway, that maybe he did know a few things. As torn and twisted and disabled as I had become, I listened. I heard an inner voice tell me to save my strength. Store it up over time. The stretching of the nylon would continue forever and the noose would continue to draw tighter and tigher as I grew. Ah, I'll keep this to myself, buts its worth a try.
I spent years storing up my strength. Never stretching, except the tightness of the noose so as not to restrict my consciousness. I began my ritual of spiritual bulimia, eating whatever I had to eat and purging it so as to not grow and continue tightening the restraint and the noose. I reduced my conversations with my parents, knowing that they had already told me that they gave me all the love they had to offer. I lived a quiet, solitary life for a while. But I gained the strength my inner voice, or Satan, had told me I would need.
I woke up in the spring one year and the sun was beating heavily. It was a beautiful day of life. Life springing up everywhere. Did I have the strength? I wrestled with the thought for quite some time. I realized that my restraint represented my parents love for me. I knew that what I was contemplating would all but destroy everything I had come to know. I lie in the sun, naked, breathing the fresh air, wondering how I would have the strength. I feel asleep for a while and dreamt wonderful dreams. Dreams of walking upright, breathing freely, stretching my muscles to feel good, eating foods I had never tasted. I dreamt about life. A simple life. But I knew that my restraint had hindered me from ever fullfilling that dream.
When I awoke from this dream, I realized that the sun had beat down on the nylon, making it shrink and feeling tighter than normal. I felt like I had sinned for dreaming these dreams and god was reminding me not to stray. But I realized something else, ever so slightly, the nylon had a coarse feeling. I wasn't smooth and silky like it usually was. It had dried up, like a bone, and was kinking rather than flowing and twisting. It was then that I realized I had the strength to break the nylon. It must be sudden, a snap, so as not to allow the internal bands to flex. It was only the outer shell that was dry and fragile, but I had to trust that that was enough. That I found the weakness in the restraint and the strength in my being to exert one sudden impulse and to become free. Will it hurt. Oh god yes, it's going to hurt. The noose will most certainly pull as tight as it ever has, constricting ever bit of air for quite some time. So I prepared myself. I knew I would most likely pass out, but kept telling myself to keep start pulling on the noose as soon as I awaken. And keep pulling. And keep pulling.
It was time. I snapped. It hurt. I lost consciousness. I woke up alone and afraid. I pulled at the noose, never quite getting it off, but now I hid it under my clothes so know one knows. I am constantly reminded of my restraint. But, I am free.
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Was your growth stunted because you were a jehovah's witness? No, not at all. If not for being a Jehovah's Witness I wouldn't have been reminded daily of my shortcomings, destructive ambitions, and self-centeredness. How else would I have grown up to be so strong and humble.
