What is happening to our kids?

by xenawarrior 21 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Maverick

  I feel for you XW! My daughter has had a running battle with depression. Her mother is on a lithium mainteinance program for years! I try to listen to her problems but those first years after the divorce were hard. She is better away from her mother. And since her mother shuns us both, even though her daugther was never baptized, the girl has less problems now. But 13-17 was a nightmare for me. Maverick
• 

  DanTheMan

  What is this with our kids? When I was in high school I don't recall ever hearing of anyone attempting to or succeeding with suicide and it concerns me that our youth sees this as an option.

  Are we not teaching them good coping skills? Are we expecting too much from them? Are we, as a society losing touch with them? Have they seen too much of suicide on television? Do they not understand how serious talking about suicide is? Do we not hear their cries for help? With the way things are in the economy; do they sense the fear from their parents and then walk around with that themselves all bottled up?

  I graduated HS in 1989, there were a few suicides then. Something like Columbine would have been unimaginable to us though. I do think times have changed, in some ways for the better, in some ways worse. I do think that today's kids are under more pressure than ever, whether it's grades or athletics or being cool, today's teen world is no place for the faint-hearted.

  This ain't your father's USA. Even during the cold war, there was a sense of security and invulnerability that I think has been lost especially since 9/11. Adults feel it, kids feel it, these are not easy times to be living in. It is easy to become overwhelmed by fear and hopelessness.
• 

  lauralisa

  Searcher nailed this major thing right here:
  
  Sometimes the 'Favourite Aunt' can be a good substitute, a listening ear, shoulder to cry on, that sort of thing.
  
  
  XW, {{{{{{{XW}}}}}}}
  
  
  Studies have been published about how it goes for kids who 1) have even ONE (1) "safe" adult with whom they can confide and 2) those who do not.
  
  Guess where it goes.
  
  You're going to do what your instincts tell you here, and it will be to your daughter's friend's advantage. I reserve the right to state such a thing because I know you.
  
  
  Regarding the suicide threat - I would only be proative if I heard one of my kids' friends say such a thing. No one ever REALLY wants to die; they just want the fire to go out; when no help is in sight, kids say desperate things.... sometimes desperate kids act on those desperate impulses, and sometimes they die
  
  
  Denial is alive and well. I hate that. I also hate this board formating limitations.
• 

  DanTheMan

  Studies have been published about how it goes for kids who 1) have even ONE (1) "safe" adult with whom they can confide and 2) those who do not.

  Interesting. I felt like I had nobody when I was a teenager. My parents were wacked-out to put it mildly, and were the last people I could confide in. I think I wouldn't have made such bad choices in my late teens/early 20's if I had had a calm, mature, understanding adult in my life who encouraged me without being judgemental. All I got from my parents was anger & disbelief at my rebellious behavior.

  xena, don't underestimate how big of a difference you could make in this girl's life. You seem to have the right attitude about kids. It's crazy being a teenager, those are such difficult years, and too often parents respond in dysfunctional ways. It's all over when the relationship becomes adversarial.

  BTW, good to see ya lauralisa!
• 

  xenawarrior

  Searcher- you are so right about that and I will try to be there for this girl in the best way I can. She and my daughter have been close for many years now and she's with us quite often. Thank you for your input - I really appreciate it !!

  Sheila: Oh yeah- Ant got passed it alright- look at him now !! Thanks for telling me about his time in his sophomore year. It's scary to hear my daughter talk about there being many kids her age who have discussed or attempted suicide. I'm sure that many of those are getting the help they need. And yes, I can imagine how this woman treats her daughter- I've seen it myself. I really think she's projecting her own past failures onto her daughter but what she doesn't realize is that even with what she may consider a "failure" in her own life, her life turned out pretty well and her daughter did too !

  Laura- yeah, you know me well- I'll do whatever I need to in order to help her through this. At least maybe if she knows that there is someone she trusts that she can talk to, she'll head in this direction if she needs it. I sooo want to go and shake her mom (don't worry, I won't) and try to make her see what she is doing to her own child with the way she chooses to treat her !!! E. is handling all of this quite well- trying her best to be supportive and she's got a maturity going for her that she can handle it. Maybe this is one of the reasons why she is now looking into going into child psychology instead of law.

  Maverick- Wow, I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. It sounds like you and your daughter have a decent relationship in spite of it -Kudos to you for weathering the storm Dad!!! I'm not worried about my own child- she's fine and the lines of communication are open between us. I trust she'll come to me if there is something bothering her. It's her best friend who is suffering this way.

  Dan: Thank you for your input. You are so right, this isn't our father's USA. I do believe that the pressures on kids are so much more than they were when I was in high school.

  I think I wouldn't have made such bad choices in my late teens/early 20's if I had had a calm, mature, understanding adult in my life who encouraged me without being judgemental.

  This is what I'm thinking alot about. I always figure it's my job with my own daughter to help to get her to a place where she's a decent adult with good self-esteem and coping skills. If I can help her friend in that way even just by listening and not being judgemental- that's what I will do. And you are so right about parents dealing with the teenage stuff in a dysfunctional way.

  Maybe one of the reasons it's easier with my own daughter is that I remember so vividly those times of my life and how difficult it was and I don't imagine it's any different with our kids now-being a teenager is tough sometimes. I was a terribly rebellious teen- as was my ex-husband so we both can remember it all. Unfortunately for my daughter though- that being the case-she won't be able to get away with much

  And another thing..... OMG, was I THAT young when I started driving an automobile? Holy cow !! She's getting her temporary license next month and she's just a kid !! LOLOL

  Thank you all- This was really eating at me and your responses helped alot.

  XW
• 

  Valis

  xw...could it also be there is some zeitgeist going on amongst them? Kind of like spreading a cold or something. One feels depressed then others start and on and on...sorry to hear about all that anyway.

  Oh and i could't resist...

  Gimme that z, o-l-o-f-t
  Gimme a grip, make me love me
  Suckin' 'em down, I'm happy man
  Can feel it inside, makin' me smile
  
  ...realize that the sky's not made of gold
  don't disguise the nature of your soul
  
  Gimme that z, o-l-o-f-t
  No longer pissed and you don't bother me
  I'm makin' it through, I'm givin' my all
  When base are loaded, I'm whacking the ball
  
  ...don't suck the mind, don't drain the source
  the path of life's not so easy to course, buddy

  Sincerely,

  District Overbeer
• 

  xenawarrior

  Val- you may be right. I'm sure there is a great deal of talk amongst the various groups about it and then the next one is threatening it or doing it too. I also think that when they are involved in all of that they don't give a thought to what it actually means- suicide means dead ! Like my friend said- "it's not like Mario Brothers where you can get more lives to get to the next level" There is no next level. It may hold a different meaning in reality to me than it does to them. Scary.

  Thank you !!!
• 

  joannadandy

  One could argue it's the oversexualized images on tv, teens with horrible body images and self-esteem. Tied to that, one could argue, it's the tremendous pressure to be a success in life. To know what you want and go get it. (Who the hell knows what they want at 25,35,45 let alone 15). One might argue it's high stakes testing and this pressure to measure up or get cut out. Or maybe it's our tendency to alienate ourselves from society--the new loss of community and therefore loss of self. Blame it on TV, blame it on divorce, blame it on the economy.

  Suicide is kind of an all or nothing thing. It could be your daughters friend is experiencing or feeling any number of those things I mentioned without even knowing it. Or maybe it's none of those things. Maybe her depression is somehow genetic, her mom sounds pretty apathetic--it's no wonder where she learned it.

  I dunno what to tell you, having been a 15 year old who thought about suicide alot (starting in third grade) to a 16 year old who had too many life experiences she wasn't supposed to have at 16 and actually attempting, it's hard to pinpoint why I considered this the only way. Since then I have gotten a lot better coping skills and communication skills. The only thing that saved me was a desire to live. How do you foster that? Again--it's anyone's guess.
• 

  one_ugly_time

  xenawarrior -

  I have been on both sides of this issue. My oldest son, who is now 21, and I had a very difficult relationship with him through his entire teenage years. He was into drugs very heavily, including dealing, and hanging around with a group of herion addicts. He rebeled more than I ever imagined a child would rebel, given that he had no other source of "safety". I learned too late that that is not the issue. They are invincible during those ages, especially if you lost your communication with them during the pre-teen years.

  Without going into a lot of details which I wouldn't wish upon any parent, let me say this -- My son ended up being befriended by a man that had a teenage son the same age as mine. Turns out, he couldn't get along with his son just like I couldn't get along with mine. I got along with his son fine and my son worshipped this man. It was a very difficult process, as a father, to encourage that relationship and revel his shared achievements with this other man. I had no way to reach him, but I was thankful that someone did. My son would say, "He listens and laughs with me"... Sounded easy, but it didn't work. I believe in his mind there was a wall called "What's your motive?". I couldn't get past it.

  I believe the short time that my son spent with this man saved his life. He pushed him physically for work, challenged him to use his mind, and I guess you could say became a real friend. My son and I still have difficulties, but he is off of drugs, working, has 2 vehicles and a girlfriend, and is talking about the future. He lives on his own in another state seeking independence. He's on his way.

  My feeling is you don't need to try to help her xenawarrior -- you already are and have been. Don't be afraid to push her, to help bake a cake, clean up, or otherwise help with chores. She is missing the parent the cares about who she is vs what she does.

  I learned a phrase, I'm not sure where I got it, but I believe it helped my daughter recover from her depression. I told my daughter that when I tell her "I Love You" I want her to respond to me "I Love You Too, But I Love Me More". She laughed hysterically. But I was trying to tell her that she was allowed to love herself for who she was. Sometimes we all need to be reminded to love ourselves, and let everything else fall the way it will.

  ugly
• 

  Billygoat

  ((((XW))))

  I haven't read all the responses here, but all I can say is continue being there for your daughter's friend. My best friend growing up was worldy. It was her parents that kept me from committing suicide when I felt like it. I knew if nothing else, SOMEONE gave a crap about me if it wasn't my folks. Also my uncle and aunt were absolute angels to help me a million times over!

  Someone else said it, depressed people don't always REALLY want to commit suicide. They just want the pain to go away and don't have the skills to cope with it any other way than dying.

  Today's generation of children are many times a product of today's generation of parents. They are lonely. Lonely for direction, companionship, parents. Parents are too absorbed in making ends meet in today's economy to even see the signs when their child is depressed. Or they see and ignore because they are too self-absorbed or think the kid will "get over it". I was one of those kids. (I realize this is a generality, but true in many instances!)

  You're a great parent and I'm sure your child will do just fine! Teach her to be strong-willed and an integral part of the community around her. She is probably more help to these peers than you know!

  Love,

  Andi