my story and why I'm here

little1

I?ve been a lurker for awhile and a member for a little while, and I?d like to tell you about myself and why I?m here. I was looking for information, comfort and explanations for what happened in my life and I?ve found all that and more here---thank you all so much for your contributions, words of wisdom and humor. 3 years ago, almost 4, I was a divorced mother of 3 just getting my life together after having been married to a raging alcoholic for over 13 years. I was working part time at a grocery store and going to school full time studying graphic design-what I wanted to do before I got married the FIRST time! I wasn?t that interested in dating or men, and hadn?t met anyone that interested me. One day, in a very strange sequence of circumstances, I met this guy. He seemed nice and knew a mutual friend, he asked me out, so I said, ?sure.? We had dinner and really hit it off. He had been married to an alcoholic too, and our histories were almost parallel. We talked until the restaurant closed and threw us out, and he asked me out for the following Friday night. I said yes. From that time on we were together quite a lot. On our second date he told me he was a Jehovah?s Witness, and started talking a lot of religious claptrap. My first ex-husband (yes, I?m a 2 time loser!) was a minister, and I put him through seminary, went through a long time of being a fundamentalist charismatic flame throwing ?Christian?, but had seen how false all that was and left it behind. However, I had a ?live and let live? attitude and figured that I didn?t care if he thought his lawn mower was god if he was a nice, sober, moral guy. I asked him nicely to can the sermon, that religion gave me the heebie jeebies, so he changed the subject. Somewhere in my head I knew the witnesses were off the wall, but chalked that thought up to my former black and white thinking. I gave the guy the benefit of the doubt. After weeks of calling me, taking me out, etc., he all of a sudden announced that he didn?t want a serious relationship and claimed that we weren?t dating. That?s when what I call the brain f***ing began. He?d say one thing, but his actions said something different. He continued to call, but would disappear for weeks, then resurface. I continued to put up with it because I really liked him and when we were together things were great. Eventually he started spending the night-but we still weren?t dating, according to him. It was only after years of being jerked around that I began to realize, through research, that according to the JWs, if we were dating, that meant we were going to get married, and he didn?t want to get married. If you ask why I put up with that crap for 3 years, trust me, I?ve asked myself the same thing. He was very sweet, very caring, loved my kids and my kids loved him. But I was never really a part of his life, I felt that I was a secret-a dirty little secret. Once I went to the KH with him after we?d been dating - or whatever we?d been doing- for a year. My kids were with me and he introduced me to someone there and told them that we had gone out ?a few times.? I was absolutely floored. He said this in front of my kids who knew he was at our house all the time. But I said nothing. I don?t know why. When we first started seeing each other he went to the KH only occassionally-maybe 2x a month. He said he had been hanging out with the witnesses for 11 years, but was not baptised. After reading so much on this website I wonder how he got away with that. The longer we stayed together and the closer we became-because I believe he really did love me-the further into the org he plunged. First it was the Fri night book study, then the Tues night speakers thing, then the door to door every Sat. and of course the KH every Sun. Finally, after some painful absences and returns, he was baptised this past July. I knew then that he had chosen them and not me. That was so painful, and I can?t even describe how much heartache it?s caused me. I told him that he had picked a wife who is every bit as abusive and controlling as his ex-wife was-?Where are you going? Who have you been with? You?d better not be unfaithful to me or I?ll ruin your name and you won?t be able to hold your head up in this town!? That?s what she did, and I guess for whatever reason he wants that. Really, I think he is so afraid to make a decision on his own because he?s made some bad ones. It?s easier for him to have someone there to tell him that if he does exactly this and doesn?t do that, then he?ll be okay. I don?t understand how an intelligent man such as himself can swallow their stupidity. He?s depressed most of the time, and through reading things on this website I understand why. He is forced to subvert what he knows in his heart in order to swallow the party line. It?s comforting to know that he wasn?t the only jdub leading a double life, and I?m not the only woman who has been the secret girlfriend. I know I?ll get over it, but I can?t even tell you how frustrating it is to see a guy with whom I have nearly everything in common, someone I share so many interests with, someone who KNOWS that I love him, turn his back on me because some dimwitted religion tells him he has to. I have no respect for a religion that causes so much pain and so much division. I hope that someday, someway, he?ll wake up and see the lies behind the ?truth.? Thanks for your patience if you read this whole long post. And thanks for all the info and hope you all give me. L1

Joyzabel

WOW, little1

thanks for sharing your painful story. It is very sad how JW's thinking is so bizarre that to behave that way and cause such heartache to you is nothing to them.

Please do yourself a favor and get some counseling and then put it behind you.

welcome to the board, btw.

j2bf

little1

I'm in counselling and it really does help. I begged him to go to counselling because one time he said that he didn't have anyone to talk to about us. Of course the KH mafia discourages any kind of outside help. Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot. L1 and sorry fro the unbroken paragraphs-I tried, but it lost all my formatting.

Dansk

A GREAT BIG WELCOME, Little1

I don?t understand how an intelligent man such as himself can swallow their stupidity.

Actually, intelligence has nothing to do with being gullible. There are some incredibly intelligent posters here - all exJWs and all having been taken for the Borg ride. Just be glad that YOU didn't get roped in, because that's what would probably have happened if you'd continued in your relationship.

Some people are desperate to get OUT of Watchtower - but are too afraid and so live a double life. Your ex-boyfriend has been doing this. I'm deeply sorry you and your children have been hurt but rest assured you have come to the right place for tremendous upbuilding counsel from many people who can identify with what's happened to you.

Please stick around.

Best wishes,

Dansk

DanTheMan

Wow, thanks for sharing little1.

You won't find a more exclusivistic, we're-saved-and-everybody-else-is-gonna-get-it-from-God religion than JWism. When you're involved in a high-control group like the JW's, having intimate relationships with "worldly people" is a constant source of mental anguish, because on one hand you're taught to believe that they are unsaved and that you must continually look for opportunities to witness to them, and if they don't respond they are "bad association" and therefore should be avoided. But on the other hand you realize that most non-JW's are just OK normal people who don't need a fundamentalist religious mindset to get by, and this realization upsets the rigid thinking that is the hallmark of fundamentalists. So he chose to cut off his source of "cognitive dissonance" - you.

I hope that someday he comes to his senses and makes the better choice. The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society is a lousy lover, all take, no give, don't you ever leave me or else.

little1

You're right, Dansk, there are many intelligent people here! Maybe that's why they're here! I was never shy in telling him I thought it was hooey that any religion thinks it has the lock on god. and he knew that I would never become a jw because I had put in my time with organized religion and wasn't about to fork over my independence again. I have a relationship with god, and he knew that. He doesn't really, and he knew that, too, I believe. So sad, so sad. But I know I'd have become frustrated with all the kingdom talk and would have eventually blown a gasket, so you're right, it's probably for the best that he moved on. And that I do. You guys are great.

little1

Dan, I love your hat-where can I get one? And thanks for your kind words. He's been gone for 3 months and I still miss the good times. Grief is a process, so I'm told. But life is so good! I'm so blessed in so many ways.

Dansk

little1,

It took guts for you to pour out your heart here. THAT is part of the healing process. Believe me, I got healed here.

Click on this link http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/9/47295/1.ashx and you'll read my story. It may help as I started here a wreck and came out normal. I couldn't have done it without a great wife, who was going through the same things, and all the WONDERFUL people here.

Love,

Ian (Dansk)

gumby

I have nearly everything in common, someone I share so many interests with, someone who KNOWS that I love him, turn his back on me because some dimwitted religion tells him he has to.

First of all......nice to meet you Little1. You look little..I'd say about 5' 3" and 115-125lbs. (I used to work at the fair as a weight guesser when I was pionering) ......not really.

About your above words, isn't it intresting that a belief.........seems to be stronger than love for another person? In your situation.....his belief overpowered his love for you. That has always baffled me and really......it's selfish. The believer fears for their life if they feel they are betraying their master.....and so they kiss the masters ass insted of giving loyalty to somebody they know for sure exists and that they love.Strange isn't it?

Gumby

little1

Well, you're close Gumby-5"3 and 105--really little! Fear is the operative word, I think. He once told me that "jws don't have any fear" and I just looked at him and laughed. I could clearly see that his whole life was ruled by fear! Ian, I just read your story and it breaks my heart. I'll add your daughters to my prayers for opened eyes. I knew he'd really gone to the edge when he talked about trading his 300zx for a 4 door sedan so he could more easily go door to door. I asked him if he'd lost his mind. I'm sure they must be on his case about his flashy car-it's black with tastefully subdued purple flames! Not your average jw mobile!

my story and why I'm here

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