((( bisous ))) -
I feel I am at a cross roads as to whether the hard excruciating experience of life as I know it (and trying to change for something different, better) is even worth the effort....
Darling, if I may, h*ll yes it is worth it !!! Remember, the deeper the valley the higher the peak. In other words, cleansing the soul has taken me to some pretty deep, scary, isolated, lonely, dark places. When it's all said and done, I am hoping to replace fear of abandonment with security within my self that I'm OK; dyfunctional relationship dynamics with flexible boundaries; sympathy and rescuing with empathy and caring; and a fragile self-esteem that lives life on the periphery with myself that freely parcipates in life. When this is done, I am certain to experience some of the highest, natural (not like the teenage year) highs of my life.
I had no choice, but I didn't belong there and couldn't belong outside either.
We were taught with the fear of death, destruction, and loss of love that we had no choice.
Only recently have I had the courage to examine myself and life and admit how much control and influence those years in the sect had over me.
Same here. And courage it is. I like the book "Courage to Change" where Dennis Wholey discusses the process of change. I can identify with a lot of the obstacles he presents.
My entire social life began to revolve around her (the woman who married into JWs and thus forced me into it too). I didn't know it then, but looking back I realize I didn't have the social skills or ability to form sustainable relationships. My mother quit practicing the religion and basically became my primary friend. I had people I met through work who wanted to be friends, it was always only 1 or 2 at a time, and eventually I would find a reason to drift away or end the friendship. Continuing to associate with my mother (shopping, going out to dance, movies, all the things a woman in her 20s and 30s would have girlfriends to do with).
I suffer from emotional dependency and behavioral codependency issues as a result of attempting to fulfill my "super-parents" idea of what is required to obtain love. I, too, wasted a lot of time trying to fill a cup that had so many holes in it that from day-to-day I didn't know if anything I was pouring in was of use.
Now I have cut off contact with my mother and basically live an isolated life. My human relationships exist with work colleagues.
Same here. Let's start a club, or maybe a bulletin board :-).
I feel like the 'noose' will always be around my neck, I kid myself that I cut free 20+ years ago. .
I keep a journal on a regular basis, about my successes and failures. My failures usually stem from "old" thinking that the other person a) is as interested in my life as much as I am b) understands what I am feeling c) can fill a void in me. I have learned that none of these are implicitly true, but they are extremely hard thought processes and feelings to stop.
I admire the strength reflected in your posting.
Thank you. Pandora's box is open, so no since trying to shut it. I want that noose off.
XOXOXO
ugly *** of the "I don't speak any French, but found a good dictionary" class ***
