Former "Elder's Wives" reactions to "brief" Elder's Meetings...............

by Sunnygal41 16 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Sunnygal41

  Ladies, since Maverick posted his topic, I just had to post one for us ladies! In fact, I wanted to just share a nightmare basically on the same topic, that I had last night.............just a refresher course on my status: I was a dub for twenty-five years, met a worldly guy when I was 18 and he came in to the "truth". We dated, then got married at 21. We were married for twenty years, then I told him I wanted to end the marriage. Anyways, last night, I had this nightmare that I was still married to him and that we were at an assembly, and, as per usual, he had responsibilities and did the disappearing act. At lunch, I thought, perhaps he would at least spend it with me..........no such chance.........and we ended up having a huge fight, and I turned to him and basically told him that this was why the marriage would not work, there was no balance on his part. He would prefer to spend hours doing his "elder" thing and I was sick and tired of playing second fiddle to all of it. This man and I had other serious issues along with this one.........he was a cold fish totally and our marriage for the most part was an intellectual/pseudo marriage. As you can probably figure out, I am still in some pain over the many years of putting up with being with someone who never would show an ounce of affection, spend no romantic together time with me, etc. even tho I've been out of the marriage 4 years now. Even tho the man I am now with is basically the total opposite, I still have alot of fear inside me and hurt................I just wanted to hear from some other ladies about their experiences and perhaps some suggestions or advice..........I know that maybe I will never totally heal, or perhaps with time it will go totally away? Any comments would be soooo appreciated..............

  Love and hugs,

  Terri
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  Doubtfully Yours

  The exact same reason why I won't become a good JW so that my husband can get privileges. No sir. My man is mine and mine alone!

  DY
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  Wolfgirl

  Whenever an elder would get up and say that there would be a "brief" elder's meeting after the meeting, everyone laughed. They were never brief. I was not married to an elder, but my father was one. We usually tried to work out a ride home so that we wouldn't have to stick around for ages. It didn't always work.
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  Mulan

  Dave would tell me about those meetings before the meeting, usually, so I could take another car. Sometimes he would insist it would be brief, and foolishly I would believe him. They were endless sometimes. The worst was when I had a baby and was stuck there without a ride home because of no second car, and no one had room for another person plus a car seat and child. (the other kids had all hitched a ride home) I couldn't just leave because Dave had the ignition keys. There was a time, I had another brother knock on the door of the elder meeting, and get the keys for me, and Dave had to find a ride home. (he hated that)
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  Gopher

  My dad was an elder (probably still is). They announced "short" elders meetings in our congregation. Since my dad is only about 5-foot-6, he was one of the "short" elders.
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  Sunnygal41

  In the hall he had the rep of being such a loving caring husband, I had sisters tell me they were jealous. But at home, when we were alone, he just ignored me. I simply craved to be touched.

  Sphere, that's exactly how it was with my ex! He always had something else he'd be involved in, like his guitar, or his computer, or golfing............all the sisters thought I had it great with him, and I used to try talking to the older, mature ones about the problem we were having, and, they thought it was me just being obsessive and clingy. I used to tell them that if Randy would show me some affection or attention, I would feel reassured and wouldn't have to be so insecure, but they never got it. I never thought that I was the one who had a problem, because I didn't. He got remarried, and I wonder sometimes what kind of woman she is. She was married before too, and the guy cheated on her, ha ha, maybe they are both cold fish and don't have the need for touching, etc. The guy I'm with shows me how much he cares all the time, and calls me baby, and just generally acts like he worries that I'll be around another day, not the ex, though. I had men crawling all over me at work, too, and that's when I realized that I had to end my marriage. I've been divorced 4 years and out about five from the Borg. I don't miss anything except some of my long time friends. Your post really hit home.

  Mulan: been there, did that. I knocked on the door one time, and I didn't care if it pissed them off or not. My attitude was he is where he is because of me, too, and he should make the arrangements to make sure I get home safely. I seldom sat there and waited, after I realized not to take it verbatim that it would be short, no matter what they said.

  Terri
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  Sunnygal41

  Gopher! LOL! This is for the LADIES!! But, if you have good advice, we'll take it!

  Terri
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  Stefanie

  lol I know what the BRIEF lie was all about. I ended up having to wait with the POs wife, who was just a plain Jezebel. The blue eye makeup and huge jewlery and all!

  Then there were times when your out in service with the other EW's and what you were talking about ends up being disscused from the platform! How we should keep talk out in service Spirtual.

  So many horror stories so little time.
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  czarofmischief

  I remember having to shepherd many elder's wives, helping not to feel so lonely while their husbands dithered behind closed doors.

  LOL!

  That's just a perverse fantasy of miine.

  CZAR
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  Sassy

  I have always felt for the elder's wives as we all got to go home after a meeting, but if a "sudden elders meet" was held with the elders after meeting, they got to sit around and wait. I also felt bad if I was one of the people who needed to talk to the elders (or so thought so at the time) so it was partially my fault they had to hang around.

  I have thought a lot about how one would feel if they had given so much time for the "good" of the cong and 'furthering of Jeh's will" by being and elder/wife of an elder and then leaving. I'm angry at time wasted/lost and I wasn't in a position for anything. So for Elders and families, how much time was given that should have been for the family because it was 'important'? Even my mom who was a pioneer and everytime I needed her, she would say, I'd love to help you but I have this bible study I need to go on, or this many hours to make my time, so I can't right now.. I needed her, but service came first and then I'd have this guilt complex about it, about asking her hoping she would put it aside for me and then mad at myself for thinking I was important and let down when she was doing this 'life saving work'. When my mom got dfd I was even angrier. I had given up all that time I needed her w/o open verbal complain and then for what? for her to get dfd and quit and now since I was still a JW, still not have her in my life? And now I am out and she is back in.. how ironic.. still dont' have her in my life.

  The thing I would hate if I was an elder's wife would have been all the times they came home with information they couldn't share. You could see it might be wearing on him, but he can't talk about it, so it eats him up in front of you and then you worry for him, for his health and the stress he is unduly under.