Although this story is several years old, I wanted to share it here.
After I was DF'd, in 1996, under questionable and selective circumstances, I really tried to get back in the swing of things in order to be reinstated. I actually travelled from NYC, where i was staying with family for a short time, back to my Cong. in New Jersey, often getting a hotel room solely for the purpose of attending the Sunday meeting.
My P.O., tho, basically cringed each time I showed up(guilt, I guess). I asked him several times over the course of about one year to please have a copy of the KM each month for me. His response was always, "we dont have enough."
This made me feel so damn second-class. DF'd or not, I was told that I was entitled to same materials as Witnesses "in good standing." I finally gave up on that.
But I still attended the Sunday meetings. One day, another elder who was truly my best friend, approached me outside. He asked, "why is it taking you so long to ask for reinstatement?"
By way of backgroud info, I need to say that my particular situation had legal overtones, in which I was accused of a crime. By this time tho, I had been cleared by the County Prosecuters Office.
My answer, therefore, was this:"I expected the Authorities to treat me like a criminal and make my life miserable. I didnt expet it from people who I would have given my life for, people I called my brothers and sisters. I walk in here and am practically scowled at by the PO."
He looked stunned when I said this to him, and he was speechless. I walked o my car in tears.
Two weeks later, I again attended the meeting. The Watchtower that week was about forgiveness. Taking a good opportunity on a paragraph about DF'd ones, my elder friend made the comment that "some have suffered enough, and are showing that they are repentant, and want to return."
Tears welled up in my eyes, as I knew he was referring to me. Silently I thanked God that he understood my pain, and that he had the guts to express himself in that way to the congregation. You see, I was the only DF'd person in the congregation at that time.
In a strange way, he lifted a heavy burden off my shoulders. It was as if my OWN voice had been heard by the whole congregation not just by the KANGAROO COURT known as the Judicial Committee.
THAT was my LAST meeting. I never returned to that KH or ay other. I suffered the pain that many here have suffered, the feelings of not belonging ANYWHERE, the confusion of "Where do I go from here?"
I have felt betrayed, tossed away like a used tissue. I saw my self-esteem plummet to the point of considering suicide. I allowed myself to become self-destructive.
But, visiting the H2o board a couple of years ago helped me to see that there were many just like me, and all the encouraging words there helped immensely. Although each person there and here on this board are taking different roads to recovery, its nice to share a common goal.
Thank you ONE and ALL
BOOZY