Need some advice (page 3)

frenchbabyface

Dura-Luxe ... Welcomefirst of : I hope you will come back,

Ok ... if I was your mother (I'm not) I would ask you to look me right in between the eyes and tell me your feelings about every point you talked about and didn't dared to talk about eventually if I still feel something running inside your mind.

That is what she is doing somehow (she don't understand of course what it is all about, because she believe, she was and is right - and she probably never went in your shoes) that is why she probably ask this way questions ... you are the one who know your mother, you are the one who know what exactly can be wrong eventually your side ... JUST TRY TO TALK and ANSWER HER QUESTION first ... you'll see then ...

Be honest with her and yourself and apologize on every point you have to as her kid honestly ... but only if you have to ... and I'm sorry to tell but do not espect any apologize from your mother (they may never come ...) First of because she may never understand your why's as being still a JW ? and second off (if it is the case) More parents have gone far on some stuff, less they are able to recognise it (and it is not allways concious)

Best wishes anyway ...

Surreptitious

don't judge another person until you've walked a mile in his shoes

Exactly! That way when you do judge him, you'll have his shoes and be a mile away!

Xandria

Now hold the phone here!

Dura,

I know you have a lot of hurt that has been eating at you for some time. Apparently, the blog was a release valve. Unfortunately, I don?t think you had the opportunity to really get to speak to your mother or family about these unresolved issues.

The point that everyone is saying is, that you should have spoken to your mother. Addressing this to her. Instead she read it online~ that is a shock. Regardless of the past and what has happened, this is your mother the person who gave you life. As a human being, we must take responsibility for our selves and our actions. Learning to communicate is important. Your process of trying to heal has caused some harm here. That is something you do not want to do. Causing someone else harm while you are dealing with your issues is not what your goal was, yet it has happened. It is your choice now to let it fester, or to deal with it.

I understand you?re hurting, I understand your need for comfort. But you asked people here for advice. You got it~ but because it doesn?t fit what you want or felt it should have been. Doesn?t give you license to beat up the person. This was entirely uncalled for: ?Hey Silent Lambs - when dad was raping you, it's just cuz' he had you're best interests at heart! Keep it quiet and forget about it. And if you've never been a parent you don't understand SMILEY FACE SMILEY FACE !!?

You asked for advice . If you did not want it you should not have asked. You may not like what you hear, that is the point of asking a different point of view. It did not give you the right to lash out with cruelty. After all, you asked and people gave you honest feed back.

Yes, you are hurting, yes you have come some ways and you still have a long ways to go. Yet, all the healing you have done will not mean anything, if you do not learn to take responsibility for yourself and your actions. This lashing out is not dealing with what is actually hurting deep inside. You are trying to kill the message, yet some times it is not what is being said, it is how it makes you feel.

Even though your ?non-existent? family has not ?been? there, you have not confronted them as bluntly as you did in the blog. It should have been you confronting them, not your blog. You can only take responsibility for yourself and your actions. You cannot force them to change as much as you want them to and all the nagging, bitching about your family will not facilitate that change.. We are not telling you to hide the past! We are saying you should have confronted the past and dealt with it. Instead of allowing your past (which I don?t think it is ?Past? by a long shot) read about it. This is what healing is all about, taking responsibility for yourself and your actions. Rather than allowing the events run your actions/ reactions, take control of them. You did not take control of the matter; you instead lashed out in a blog you thought they would never read.

It is akin to someone reading your diary. Which would your respect more? Someone telling it to your face or behind your back?

Hopefully, you will move forward with an ideal of dealing with this situation. Personally, I would sit down with your mother, as hard as that may be to do. With out yelling, with out rancor and tell her why you feel the way you do. The moment there is yelling then the discussion is over. This needs to be discussed~ as much as possible. I know it is like talking to a wall. But sometimes, the wall actually gets it and other times it doesn?t. It depends on how you paint it.

It is not about owing her that ?common decency? either. It is about owning your self that CLOSURE! And respecting your-self. It is time to allow you, to be able to move on to better things in life. The hurt will be there but lessened by empowering your-self to say good bye to the toxic sludge that has been building. Releasing it, is like lancing a boil on the butt of humanity. It may be painful for a while, then tender, and finally it fades and you are boil free. Keep talking about it, dealing with it, and voicing yourself. But, make sure you are voicing it to the people who actually need to hear it. Your Family.

X.

Big Tex

Hey Silent Lambs - when dad was raping you, it's just cuz' he had you're best interests at heart! Keep it quiet and forget about it. And if you've never been a parent you don't understand SMILEY FACE SMILEY FACE !!

Well actually my dad did rape me. I find this statement of yours to be indicative of your true personality. It is not only offensive but is thronw out there just for shock value. And I am a parent, so buttercup I do understand. But you don't give a damn about others, so who cares, right?

Not knowing exactly what you said, and I find it curious that you haven't included a link to your blog, I can only say that if I had found my daughter had a major problem with me, or the way I raised her, and she did not have the courage to tell me face to face, then yes I would have a problem with her.

You know, if you throw something out there on the world wide web, you've got to expect a reaction. At this point, the choice is yours. If you want a relationship with your mother then you need to grow up, accept responsibility for your actions and work it out with her. If you don't want a relationship with your mother, then let it be. If you're a troll, hope you had some fun, now be on your way.

Frantic

That was terrible to read, not really mature is she? I mean using caps? My goodness.

Mum

Hi, DL. Welcome to the forum. Welcome also to the real world where differences of opinion and differing perspectives are a wonderful part of growth, learning and life.

Disagreement is beautiful. It is how we learn from one another.

Regards,

Mum/SandraC

Need some advice

avishai

frenchbabyface

Surreptitious

Xandria

Big Tex

Frantic

Mum

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