by Ghosthunter 18 Replies latest jw friends
Why not surprise HER the next time she calls you at work. Say, "hi mom, you know, I was just thinking about you, by the way, the kids are fine and happy. You have to excuse me because I have an urgent errand to attend to. Thanks for calling." ( I'm sure you can create your own scenario.)
Why must YOU be on a guilt trip or have YOUR day ruined?
Guest 77
The next time she calls you at work make the conversation go this way:
"Hi, it's your mother."
"Hi, mom. The boys are fine. Timmy got a job with better pay. Bobby got a new girlfriend and is trying to get a new car because he got promoted. I know that's the only reason you called and, as you clearly state every time you do call, I am at work and you don't wanna keep me. So if there's nothing else I'll talk to you later."
I do this with my dad. Non of my folks are JWs though. Me and my dad have never been close. I really dont have too many feelings for him and he's never been there for me. Hell he never even came to my graduation and I doubt he'd come to my wedding (if he doesn't that will be the last time I ever speak to him though). He called me once last January and the next time he called was this past November. And this is the way he started the conversation, "Hi there. You know how I only call when I have a problem with my computer..."
I said, "Yeah, I'm painfully aware of that Dad. What's your problem now?"
Then he went on telling me that his piece of shit is acting up. I just said, "What the hell am I supposed to do? I offered to build you a much better much cheaper computer. You chose to buy a $2500 Hewlet Packard. Since you would rather do business with them then take your problems to them too." He went on a little more with his pc probs but I told him that I'm not their tech support. They have proprietary stuff in there and its not the same as when I build them. I DONT KNOW! CALL THEM!
So he said he would. Then he started going on about how he is soooooo busy lately. This man is retired and doesnt work! I said, "Dad, you're retired. What the hell are you SOOOO busy doing that you can't call me for 11 months?"
"Well... I've been playing alot of golf lately. I've been playing it so much I can't even get stuff done in the house. I went for a month without mowing the lawn. I just can't get to it!"
I said, "Sounds like your priorities are all screwed up then. You need to figure out what you view as being more important to you. But you mean to tell me that the reason you haven't called me is because you've been so busy. And the reason you've been so busy is because of GOLF!? I guess I see where your priorities are. That;s like me saying I can't talk to you because I'm busy playing video games dad. You need to spend some time figuring out what your priorites are and figure out how to schedual them a little better. But for now, I gotta go."
That was the last I talked to him. I called at Christmas but I got his machine, left a message saying Merry XMAS and to call me when he got back and he didn't. So screw him. Don't waste your time with people that don't wanna waste their time with you. Who cares if it's family? They are people bound by the laws of human decency and common courtesy and if they can't treat you decently then don't waste time with em.
((((((((Ghosthunter))))))))))
I am sorry for your pain.
outnfree
I understand a lot of you here and how hurtful or irritating these kinds of relationships are but when the parent says to you, "I love you. Always remember that," after treating you like shit for 20 years...I'm sorry but that is not love. I spend time with the family that acts decent and loving. The family that goes out of their way for me and whom I go out of my way for. Don't let these "people" walk all over you just because you are related to them. If I called my mother and she would never talk to me and give the phone to someone else or would just sit there not saying anything I would never call her again. Why put yourself through an emotional roller-coaster with someone like that? You know how it will end up and you know their love is conditional. Conditional love is not love at all. My advice is to lay down the law about the way that you feel and say that if you can't talk to me like your son/daughter then I dont want to speak to you. It might be such a slap in their face that it might wake them up. If not then you have just freed yourself of all of your emotional baggage. And when they are on their death bed at 80 years old they will see the error of their ways and they will really start to regret all the bridges they've burned. But you know what? THEY burned them, not you. It was all THEM. Then in their moment of need no one is around for them, especially the "loved ones" they wronged. And those are the ones they want more than anything. That's when they realise what a schmuck they've been and how they can't take it back.
THAT"S when you step in and say, "Yeah, doesn't this suck. Here you are in your hour of need and no one is here for you. Sucks doesn't it? NOW you know how I felt all of those years when I would call you because I needed you and you turned your back on me. NOW you feel the pain you've given me for years on end. If you treated me like a human being you would already have me here. But you didn't. Only now do you see the error of your ways. Only now it is too late." Dying alone sucks...but for those that do die alone there is usually a reason for it. And it's usually a good one.
Thank you EVERYONE for your comments and thoughts. What a great lift to my spirits. We're all in this together, right?
GH
yes we are! Hang in there Ghosthunter!
Ghosthunter,
It is obvious your mother loves you. Even still you still have reason to get angry and depressed over the situation. It is really sad to hear your story as well as everyone else out there whose parents shun them.
I am happy for you though that your mother has not cut off all communication. This means that there is still hope for your relationship with her. Maybe you could set up a visit with her and tell her everything you are feeling. I don't know if that is a crazy suggestion or not. Maybe you already tried.
But know that many of us here are thinking of you and wishing the best for you.
Sandy
Dawn, what you wrote made me both sad and angry at the same time. I doubt that you could do this, and I doubt that I could either, but I would be tempted to tell your elderly mother to call the elders when she needs help. It is very unlikely that they would give her the help she needs, which you are so willing to give.
Hi larc:
That's exactly what my hubby says! It pisses me off too! But when I tried to do absolutely nothing at all for her I ended up feeling like a jerk......so I decided to do only enough to make MYSELF feel better and nothing more. As long as I'm feeling good about myself I guess the effort isn't lost.
It's too bad she can't see what all she's loosing. Not just me - but her grandchildren too. My daughter will definately not be going out there to spend time with grandma - I won't allow her to develop a relationship with someone who may reject her in the future. And my son, who will be 18 this month, has not been out to see her for quite some time now.
It's sad - she could have family around her all the time and instead she's living all alone. I wonder how long her dubbie friends will be there when she can no longer make it to meetings or service......perhaps a call on her once a month to count their time???
