MAKING MOLE HILLS INTO MOUNTAINS
We had a wonderful and most exemplary family in our congregation. They are hard workers, hospitable, caring, generous, suffer with you through hardship, kind, compassionate, and as loyal to the organization as any family could be.
The dad was an Elder and in my opinion one of the most functional and balanced individuals I have ever had the pleasure of serving with. He is what I believe a Christian Elder is all about. He is a man who in my opinion walks with God, and he manages to live by the constraints and boundaries placed on JWs. He and his wife did a marvelous job raising their large family, with most of his children becoming Regular Pioneers and gaining other special privileges of service within the organization. His children were great examples, attractive, not at all cliquish, and made other children feel included and loved. I considered he and his family good friends and I miss their fellowship since I have left the Watch Tower organization.
One day at the Kingdom Hall, the brother approached me with a problem. One of his children had been caught with a small object that belonged to another JW. His child was not truthful at first, but finally fessed up, and the object was returned to its owner. He had another Elder, a loving older brother, counsel his child. He felt that since the child was baptized, that this placed the child within the purview of the congregation's oversight. He as an Elder and a parent, delegated authority to another Elder because he wanted to be sure he played by the rules.
He ran the situation by me for an additional review to make sure he did not show preference to his child [As I have discussed on JWD forum, ‘Checking with the Elders to be sure’]. My first impulse was to tell him that he did more than enough to assure that the matter was taken care of, and I did not see the need for further action. All was fine and we shook hands and I felt the matter ended there.
But no, for some reason that I do not understand, I felt compelled to tell another Elder. Why? Because the matter technically involved theft and lying. It was small and I personally saw no need for any more attention, but I also wondered where we draw the line between private counseling and forming a judicial committee. I wanted to be sure that at least one other Elder was aware, and felt as I did. [And I wanted to check with an Elder just to be sure.]
The other Elder was himself a kind and most compassionate brother. He said that because the child is baptized and well known as an example, that we should at least look a little more into the matter. Gulp! ... Okay. So ... he asked me to go ahead and form a Judicial Committee. I selected him and another Elder who I felt was kind and flexible, hoping that we could talk it over and quickly resolve this as something that could be forgotten.
The three of us talked and debated whether the Organization book required us to form a committee in such a matter. We talked about the "offense" and how it was handled, and agreed that it would likely go away, but to be sure we decided to meet with the child and have further discussion.
We called the dad and he asked if he and his wife could be present. We agreed and we also invited the other Elder who had provided counseling to the child. We thought that this way we could get everyone together and get all the facts at one time and get it over with in one meeting.
The parents arrived with their child and the other Elder. We all sat in the main hall since no other activity was going on. We asked the child about the event and the child gave a brief account admitting to the wrong. The child seem to gloss over it some, but was still truthful. I could see by the tears and shaking hands that the child was nervous, scared, and very sorry. I felt a sense of shame that we were sitting here going through this, but felt obliged to continue.
The dad and mom both expressed that they had talked with the child and felt satisfied that it was a one time event and the child seem to have learned from it. The other Elder discussed the counsel he gave which was good, kind, and presented with good use of the Bible. He too felt that the matter was ready to be closed.
The fly in the ointment then popped out. The child had just been notified, through the congregation by the Society that he/she was appointed a Regular Pioneer. As Secretary, I held the appointment packet in my hands. It was then mentioned that the event involved property belonging to a JW from another congregation. Oh! What was that? ANOTHER congregation? My, this means that the matter has become “known” beyond just us here in the meeting.
For shame, for shame, the matter was now something that harmed the good name and reputation of the congregation. So, we invited the family to step outside the main hall as we talked among ourselves. As chairman of the committee, I found several scriptures dealing with theft, and somehow about being a good example for all. We decided to counsel the child and decline the Regular Pioneering appointment.
When the family returned, we talk to the child and expressed our concerns about the nature of the offense and because this ‘matter’ is known about by others even in another congregation, would place a question on the regular pioneering appointment. We tried at first to get the child to see that and request declining the appointment, but the child would not go there. So, we made the decision plain. We further imposed some restrictions, I think no commenting at meetings, etc.
As we closed the meeting with prayer, the parents stood up and thanked us and looked at their child. The child was crying and shaking and lost composure. What seemed like a stupid mistake now cost the child Pioneering and privileges. The child felt a deep sense of shame of it all.
We felt the child would get over it soon and privileges would soon be restored and Pioneering would be permitted. It all seem to end in a friendly manner, and we felt that we had done our job, and that we made sure the organization's interests were upheld and procedure followed. All was fine.
The following Sunday, the dad asked to meet with the Elders after the meeting. We did. And he proceeded to tell us he disagreed with our decision and that this became blown out of proportion. As he talked he broke down and cried profusely. As another Elder placed his arm around the brother. I stood there stunned and ashamed because I felt that I let my friend down. I felt that we over reacted.
So, I called the Judicial Committee together and asked if maybe we went too far and if we could reconsider our decision. The other two Elders said no, that we did what we had to do, and that we need to just let it die.
The dad backed away from his Elder activities [but did not resign] because he and his wife felt that this went too far. He fell into a level of depression. We noticed that, and let him have some grieving time and kept him on as an Elder. What we missed noticing was the damage done to the child.
The child felt totally embarrassed and ashamed and begin to feel that he/she was not worthy of Jehovah or serving God. The child drew away some from the family, and ended up getting into really serious trouble that eventually involved medical treatment. In time, the child was disfellowshipped for something more serious. I would say what that was, but it is best left out of this account.
With such crushed self esteem and now being disfellowshipped the child had no where to turn. Finally, the child did get reinstated, and married another JW. But the child seem in my opinion to choose someone who was 'officially' a good example, trying to prove to parents and all that he/she was really trying to be a good example. The mate the child married was a controlling and weird person who made the life of the child miserable and most unhappy.
How can I make this connection? When we are in our teens, we are at the most vulnerable time of our transition from adolescence to adulthood. How we are treated and guided can cause the final mold in the dye-cast to bend us in one direction or another. To openly shame a child for a minor offense, removing from them something they worked hard for, and making them feel unworthy of God by virtue of congregational action that is meted out within the Watch Tower system, can bring lasting emotional damage.
Why is this so damaging? Because every mistake that child committed from that point forward was added to a list of errors that were once again thrown into the child's face when a more serious wrong was committed. In other words, these 'little' misdeeds, because they are 'on the record' became the basis for demonstrating a 'pattern' of behavior. This serves as the fuel to determine repentance or unrepentance.
None of this would likely have developed IF we had left this situation alone [And IF I could have let myself not feel the need to check with another Elder.]. Then IF the greater sin committed later on had taken place, the child could have been more easily restored and not have this 'record' following him/her around. Perhaps, the child would have felt less pressure to get married young and choose 'anyone' as long as they appeared to be a good example. The child may have taken the time to find a more suitable mate. [I am not trying to stretch the matter too far, but I saw this kind of development time and again among JW teens who were moving into adulthood.]
There is much more to this situation and the damage caused and perpetrated. I feel that I should not say more, and some of my facts beyond what I have stated I cannot fully verify because I am no longer among JWs. I do not know the final outcome for this child, but I have heard that things are not well.
This case is not sensational, and I am not trying to generate sensation. The purpose is to show that the judicial system of JWs is lacking balance, reason, and with untrained and unqualified men implementing Watch Tower standards, a pattern of emotional abuse develops that no one notices. [In my own case, while an educated professional, I am still not trained in psychology or counseling, so my abilities beyond normal human compassion, parenting, and common sense were all that I could draw upon.]
With respect to guiding and helping children, such abuse does not always result in serious harm, but all too often creates the fertile ground which breeds destructive behavior and permanently damages those who might otherwise have fared well in life as they enter adulthood.
By the way. The value of the item taken was about $10. The cost to the child as the pattern of emotional abuse through unchecked judicial activity eventually resulted [or contributed in some way] to long term, if not permanent, damage to the child.
Amazing