Internal conflict ? A JW is always "sick" and misses meetings. Doubting?

somebodylovesme

The person in question is my husband's mother who is a JW. She is in her late 40s... has been a devout dub for 20 years or so, and has never to my knowledge had any spiritual "problems". She exhibits every characteristic that the typical rank-and-file should have. In our personal conversations, she always tells me how strong her faith is and how it pulls her through everything, blah blah blah... (I was never a JW - my husband, her son, has been inactive for 2 years).

I lived with their family for about a year, and I started noticing that her health seemed to be conveniently problematic. She tended to have "headaches" on meeting nights. The family attributed it to stress, so she got a new job (her old job required a lot of travel and long hours, so this was good). The new job required her to work a lot of nights and even Sundays, but to my knowledge, she never complained to her boss nor tried to get out of working. The headaches continue despite medicine, but I can't help but notice they seem to be worse when she has obligations at the Hall. Often, her husband and the rest of their dub family goes out on service without her. I can't remember the last time she went out on service -- yet everyone is ignoring it.

I know she has some health issues - but I actually think they are linked to the stress of being in that religion, especially now that her son is inactive. I don't think she's consciously getting sick to miss meetings, but maybe subconsciously she's avoiding it? I don't know. Health issues aside, I have been wondering lately if she is secretly having doubts... I know when we had some family crap (us getting married, with me being worldly), her concerns were not what God would think, but what the "Congregation might say" and if her husband would lose privileges because of it. She didn't seem concerned that we were (Supposedly) displeasing Jehovah or whatever. Just that the elders might come after her or something. She just hasn't been the same since then.

I don't want to ask her, because I do NOT want to be seen as an apostate (I'm not. They've said so. Since I am nonreligious and have been very supportive of their faith and my husband's freedom to do what he wants, I'm okay in their eyes) .. but I don't even know what to watch for. I don't know if this is a sign or if I'm overreacting. I don't know if someone can have doubts without knowing it.

I guess I'm just looking for thoughts... I love this woman so dearly and respect her right to believe in whatever she wants. But if she is unhappy in this faith, and if it is making her ILL, then I wish she would realize it and get out for her own health's sake.

SLM

darkuncle29

Hello Somebody

I agree with your assesment of her mental/physical/spiritual condition. Psychosomatic illness. Sort of like the inverse of the placebo effect.

Unfortunately, I think that it will be best for you to let her go through this process. Just like a person recovering from drug addiction, if they are "given" too much help, their recovery has less meaning and is prone to eventual failure. I am sorry, but she is in for alot of pain. If she ever realizes that she is doing it too herself, she can get out of that trap.

I think that your best bet is to give what love and kindness that you can, without draining yourself.

Peace.

Flowerpetal

This reminds me of a sister in my congregation--although she has had some physical problems too. But right now she is experiencing vertigo, so when she comes to the hall, lots of times her eyes are shut the whole time, or she has to leave because of it. Why bother to come on those days?

The other thing is that she owns her own business and has a place set up in her garage, which looks like one big office with computers and work stations, and yet she seems healthy enough to run that. And when there is a shower to be planned, she is right in there fixing a lot of the food, etc. That part (the social) of being a witness brings her to life and she is always ready!!

Sirona

Its such a sad state of affairs. I've seen it before. The thing is, oftentimes the person does not admit to themselves what they are doing.

I honestly think that for those people it can be a downward spiral until something breaks. They feel ill because they don't want to attend, they feel guilty because they don't attend....

Its good to encourage her to put her energy into some other type of work which is helping people so that she gains self esteem from this, whilst at the same time assuring her that it is the "society" who say 5 meetings a week - not God.

Sirona

jgnat

The mind can do amazing things when put in a corner. Who more conflicted than a Jehovah's Witness - preaching love and finding none? I know a few loyal JW women who have lost their voices. The doctors can find no cause. Psychosomatic?

scotsman

Hi SLM

It's interesting because a friend and I often talk about the high incidence of M.E./Chronic Fatigue Syndrome amongst JWs. Illness is the legitimate way of stopping pioneering or leaving bethel, staying off meetings or field service. My friend works in adolescent mental health and has seen a number of children that come from strict religious families who have M.E.

For those who have M.E. or C.F.S I'm not suggesting that they are purely psychsomatic disorders but that mental well being/stress play a part in the condition.

Wolfgirl

Towards the end for me, I frequently used "illness" (feigned or real) as an excuse not to go to the meetings.

Lady Lee

I know in my case the psychosomatic illnesses that got worse on meetings days or before service had nothing to do with doubts about the org and everything to do with my belief that I hated my life and thought I was not good enough. I still believed the JWs had the "truth" for almost 10 years after I left so it wasn't a matter of doubt about them. It was me. I could not handle the pressure. I minimized the pressures. I ignored them and denied them. I had everyone convinced that we had a beautiful little family and marriage and that we were the perfect little JW family.

I suffered regularly from

headaches
gastro-intestinal problems
neck and back problems
sciatica
flu-like symptoms
anxiety attacks
poor sleep
constant fatigue

Secretly I was relieved when one of the girls felt sick. The elder had to go to the meeting so I could stay home.

Mind you I also had a pre-JW childhood of abuse that I was ignoring so that was piled in there too. And there was the emotional/sexual abuse by my husband that wasn't being dealt with either.

It got so bad my husband actually got permission for me to see a counselor (imagine needing permission!!!). And though we starting talking about the childhood abuse it wasn't long before I made the connection to the spousal abuse. Took me another 10 years to recognize spiritual abuse though.

So doubting the org may or may not have anything to do with her illnesses but I don't doubt for one minute that her body is trying to tell her what her mind refuses to acknowledge.

Hapgood

I think that Lady Lee hit the nail on the head

"I know in my case the psychosomatic illness that got worse on meetings days or before service had nothing to do with doubts about the org and everything to do with my belief that I hated my life and thought that I was not good enough."

I too suffered from real illnesses when I was a JW. I would have lower back pain that was so bad that I couldn't walk or sit. The only comfortable position was lying down. Sitting in the chairs at the Kingdom Hall would send my back into spasms so bad it would bring me to tears. I had (still do to degree) bowel problems. Headaches. I was constantly sick with colds or flu. It seemed I always had something wrong with me.

I too believed it was the truth, but I hated my life, I thought that I was never good enough and I believed that I would die at Armageddon. The mind is very powerful, all these negative feelings have to come out some way.

Since I stopped going to the Kingdom Hall two years ago I have pretty much been a picture of health. I haven't felt this good for years.

Hapgood

crinklestein

That religion is making the brain-baby kick because the brain baby is sick of being forced to listen to that crap.

Internal conflict ? A JW is always "sick" and misses meetings. Doubting?

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