Columbia, SC and Arleta, CA members - I need your help

by RunAwayDaughter 19 Replies latest jw friends

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  OnTheWayOut

  OnTheWay Out -
  Thank you for your response. Right now I'm trying to learn the best approach and trying to learn about JW.
  .....

  
  This is the most straightforward post I have read from you. I understand why you might have thought you needed to start out your first post with a bit of deception. You did not know who we are and what we would think.
  
  It is a huge shame that your daughter did not finish high school. She could always go to college later, but finishing school seems to me to be the biggest problem. If you focus on her running off with some guy to some some religion, you may very well become "the persecution" that JW's describe- they say "Your own family members will be opposed to you learning about Jehovah God" or similar crap like that. She is over 18 and considered an adult, so it is not really "running away."
  
  Were I you, this would be my focus- "Just finish high school somehow. Get a GED at the very least." Tell her how nobody knows when the end of the world will come and so many have died of old age waiting for it, so they should have at least gotten a diploma and made enough money to support themselves. "Surely, the Jehovah's Witnesses want you to be self-supportive." (...and that is true.)
  
  Of course you want the best for your daughter, and that would be to finish high school and accept some college offer, but she probably doesn't see this as a desperate situation. We are not cold to what you see. I get that a few bad decisions at this time in her life are ruining her easiest path to a successful career and normal life.
  
  I get that many people miss these opportunities and NEVER get back on track. So I get your desperation. I wish we could convey that to you at the same time we try to convey that she is probably not in real danger. I wish we could tell you there is still a good hope she will finish high school and accept some scholarship offer. Reality tells us that it is probably not going to work out that way. Sorry if that sounds cold, just stating typical reality.
  
  If it's been a very short time, I would plead with her to simply come home to finish high school. I would tell her that there will be no judging, no punishments. You simply want to continue to put a roof over her head for a handful of months so that she can graduate high school. I would say that then she can go do what she wants. I don't know about you, but were it me, I would say that finishing high school is so important in my opinion that I would even tolerate the boyfriend staying in my home if he sincerely tries to find work to pay his own way. I have to imagine that, at the worst, she would have to take an entire semester in summer school or attend her senior year again next year. I would insist that I know how important that is. (Use your own life example if appropriate- "I see how things could have been so different if I had (or had not) done this or that... I only want you to have opportunities that are more available when you are young. You can still live your life any way you want.")
  
  If she insists it's too late for that, then I would just want to tell her you want to stay in her life and she is always welcome at home.
  
  When you say "All that is explained in a previous post," we don't know which post and what thread. You started 3 threads about this subject and we don't all read all the pages of even one thread, let alone multiple threads. You started out with a lie because you were not sure about what kind of people are here on this forum. So don't assume we are all following the story correctly and fully. Some might think the guy is disfellowshipped and some might think he is unbaptized. Some might still answer the false information of the first thread. If you want to keep asking us for information, you may need to clarify things.
  
  Personally, because of the confusion, I would add, at the end of 2 threads, a link to the 3rd thread.
  (And I would use the one to continue- https://www.jehovahs-witness.com/topic/5862396603138048/18-year-old-daughter-moves-boyfriend-studying-become-witness) In the comment with the link, I would say a short summary that whatever was said, you hope the one thread will clear it up. Never assume we will go find "a previous post."
  
• 

  just fine

  I think mom has already made it clear that daughter is going to be punished for moving out. Mom stated in a previous thread that she has already rescinded the college fund daughter had and reallocated it to her youngest son. Mom also is withholding identification from daughter.

  My advice is to stop being vindictive towards your daughter, painting her as the bad guy and you as the victim. Like it or not she is an adult, and while this is most likely a mistake, intentionally making her life harder is not going to facilitate reconciliation.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  OTWO: When you say "All that is explained in a previous post," we don't know which post and what thread. You started 3 threads about this subject and we don't all read all the pages of even one thread, let alone multiple threads.
  
  

  
  

  Just Fine: I think mom has already made it clear that daughter is going to be punished for moving out. Mom stated in a previous thread that she has already rescinded the college fund daughter had and reallocated it to her youngest son. Mom also is withholding identification from daughter.
  
  

  
  

  
  See, I skimmed the pages and I didn't catch any of that about punishment and rescinding college funds. If so, you could say that is not so anymore. You don't have to say "I was wrong" or "You were wrong." Just say you want her to go to school so badly that you are willing to forget what was said already.
• 

  steve2

  I wish to advise I am about to run away from RunAwayDaughter's posts. Try as you might, you will not find me. I think I understand and empathize with the daughter.
  
• 

  RunAwayDaughter

  sir82 - Apology accepted. I wish I could take all three post and edit them into one story so it would not be so confusing to readers. I apologize for that and for snapping at you earlier. You were just trying to help.

  
  

  Dubstepped - You are right. I did the "trick" in the beginning and should not have. I was scared. You are also right that I can or can't tell people what they can post in response to you. So far, I've found this place to be very supportive and the people wonderful.

  
  

  Yes, I'm reeling, but I'm MUCH better since communicating with this group. Everyone has given me a lot of insights.

  I'm looking for someone in the area from this list in Arleta in case she needs support. She has no one to turn to if she ever wants to leave JW or him.

  Yes, I'm angry at him and his family for enabling what is considered sinful behavior; however, I'm not going to out them. That would be inappropriate. I wanted to better understand what would happen if someone found out. It sounds too much like what I've experienced - no communication with a loved one, etc - and I would not wish that on my worst enemy. it is simply too painful and cruel.

  I did not withhold her identification from her. She didn't think through the plan to leave. If she had, identification would've been the first thing she packed. I never said she was kidnapped. She left of her own "free will." To quote freedomofmind.com, "Undue influence is any act of persuasion that overcomes the free will and judgment of another person. People can be unduly influence by deception, flattery, trickery.........." I truly don't know if she left of her own free will or not. All of this is totally out of character for her.

  Yes, I'm sure there is more to this story - there isn't just two sides to a story. There are several. Plus, the truth is based on a person's perception. That perception is based on each person's unique experiences. I'm telling my side of the story to learn how to handle the latest news tthat she is studying to be a Witness.

  My big lesson as been "let go of the rope." I'm letting go. Please look at it through my lenses: She was going to leave the nest this year in June. The entire family was preparing for that day and the future. Then, she wakes me up, tells us she is leaving and then she is gone. It didn't just impact me. I've watching how it is impacting my mother and two sons. Her brothers who also lost their dad last year. Now, they've "lost" their sister. She was close to them.

  I apologize if you considered my language was "loaded" - I was (and still am) in pain. I don't mind constructive feedback/specific questions to gather a better understanding. I'm still processing everything.

  Regarding the insinuation that there is a lot of drama in my home, it was rather boring until now. I believe the "why" is part depressed teenager from losses, part rebellion teenager, and part teenager easily influenced. If having family rules and values is considered "controlling" them, then I'm guilty.

  I agree that the only thing I can TOTALLY control is my emotions. And I sooooo appreciate this group helping to calm me down.
• 

  Old Navy

  Then of course there is the matter of your daughter

  being lured across state lines. Several state lines.

  You may have some legal options after all.

  Many x-Jws are still in a state of recovery from the

  trauma of very high level cult control and they do tend

  to be very judgmental. Even deluded into thinking that

  The Borg Cult does maintain high "moral standards."
  

  That the young man who effectively "abducted"

  your daughter was "out of state" to purchase guns

  and then returned to L.A. does not bode well.
  
• 

  Listener

  There's a lot of this that doesn't make any sense, it's no wonder that there are a number of posters having a problem with this and coming to conclusions that you don't like. As I mentioned before, seek professional help, they'll be able to get to the bottom of all this and give you advise.

  Have you sent your daughters ID papers and SS documents to her yet? They are hers and she needs them. How do you expect her to finish school there if she can't ID herself? More importantly, you say she's got no one to turn to if she wants to get out of her situation. Other than it being highly likely that at least one out of the ten she is living with will help how can she get anywhere without her ID papers. Are you really wanting to help her or to hinder her?
• 

  RunAwayDaughter

  Old Navy - Thank you for helping me to be understanding. I can't imagine what some of the folks on here have been through. Everyone on here has suffered the pain of loss. I was really thinking about leaving.

  OTWO - Oh my gosh are we are on the same page. I'm not a perfect mom, but my husband and I have always emphasized education.

  The moment she told me she was leaving I did plead with her to simply stay and finish high school. I plead with Bryan that he was 22 and had the experience of graduating with friends and family. She only had four months left. He should encourage her to stay and graduate.

  After they got to California, I continued to beg her to come back and finish school. I told her there would be no judging or punishments. I told her that IF they had told me Brian lost his job before they left, I would've helped him until he found another one including staying with us.

  I have told all three of my children that they are free to do what they want after they graduate from high school. If they want to go to college, great. If they want to join the military, great. If you want you work your way around the world, fantastic (this is what I wish I had done between high school and college or college and work). You can get married, whatever. My job is to prepare them to leave home. Once they leave, they can always come back. The door is NOT shut.

  Regarding the college fund. She can go to college wherever she wants, but I can't afford just any place. I was never going to withhold the college funds if she returned and attended one of the four colleges she was accepted to. The college fund pays for the tuition for a state-supported school in South Carolina. It is a pre-paid tuition plan, so the actual tuition that would be paid is based on rates from 18 years ago.
  

  The program allows you to transfer the funds to another child. If she doesn't attend one of those four colleges in SC, I'm going to transfer that money to my youngest son - who doesn't have a fund at all because the plan was eliminated by the time we adopted him. If she doesn't attend college here, that's okay. She will just have to figure out a way to pay for it. The same thing will be true for my son. If he doesn't attend a SC state support school, he will have to pay for it through scholarships, grants, work his way through, whatever.
  

  Here is the good news: She said she is finishing high school in CA. I told her I was proud of her. I asked what her plans were after that and they are vague. She said attend community college (I love community colleges and technical schools - they have some of the best programs and the graduates make great money.) She wanted to major in computer science or packaging. (She is a gifted artist and very creative. Great with makeup and fashion.) Since she is in LA, I suggested that she explore all her options. Since she loves makeup, she might want to check into the school that offers training/degree in makeup because she was in the perfect location. She was raised that women should be financially independent, so education is important. It is so true, "Surely, the Jehovah's Witnesses want you to be self-supportive."
  

  I appreciate what you said, "I get that many people miss these opportunities and NEVER get back on track. So I get your desperation. I wish we could convey that to you at the same time we try to convey that she is probably not in real danger. I wish we could tell you there is still a good hope she will finish high school and accept some scholarship offer. Reality tells us that it is probably not going to work out that way. Sorry if that sounds cold, just stating typical reality."

  I've accepted that reality. It is incredible how I woke up this morning at peace.

  Thanks for the guidance on the post. I did not know that I could link them.

  
  
• 

  Old Navy

  Is Arleta, California a safe place to live?

  Answer here:

  https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20101103094451AAxgUjK

  It is very difficult for anyone who hasn't been into the high crime and gang banger areas of Los Angeles to appreciate what the place is like.

  If my daughter had been lured into that location under those circumstances described by the distraught Mother I'd too be very, very concerned.
  
• 

  RunAwayDaughter

  If you are reading this chain of messages for the first time and would like to know more, please go to:

  https://www.jehovahs-witness.com/topic/5862396603138048/18-year-old-daughter-moves-boyfriend-studying-become-witness

  Thank you.