DreamMaster's Reply

by DreamMaster 11 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  DreamMaster

  I would like to first of all thank everyone that has replied to this thread. It's been a very interesting read and I couldn't wait to clear up a few things. First things first; I am not a troll! My wife told me to say that and she is also my connection to this forum. She is friends with a lot of you and an ex witness. I will not tell you who she is so don't ask.

  The comments that affected me the most were the ones about privacy. When a person commits a crime, they are arrested and brought to trial. Before the trial there's an investigation ( a gathering of evidence) in which PRIVACY is the first so called "right" you relinquish. Detectives are allowed to turn your life upside down and inside out and invade every shred a privacy you have in order to get at the truth. Ex-cons have no rights. Some of you obviously misunderstood when I said that this woman has a history of extramarital affairs. We do have small children and I want this thing to work or I would not be with her now.

  It is very difficult and natural for me to not trust her as I once did. When your spouse has their own personal closet which you know contains many skeletons, imho you have evry right to open that closet door and take a peek. How do you think it makes me feel to know that on any given day she could do it again and life as I know it is over. She promised to change but I'm telling you that having cybersex with another man doesn't sound like change to me. For all of you wondering if this is my fault, it's not. My wife and every previous girlfriend will vouch for my virility. As a witness,my wife lived a very unordinary life one that most of you can relate to. Imho, it was this upbringing that makes her the way she is. I've read a few threads on this board to that affect also.

  Now about these nude pictures. I can not believe that one woman said she would divorce her husband for "looking at nude pictures." I would bet cash money that she's not married and I think we all know why. I do not masturbate to these pictures or sleep with them. I simply look that's it. I'm a man not the sugar plum fairy. A picture can not describe to you in vivid detail how it wants to love you. YOU CANNOT COMPARE A PICTURE TO A HUMAN BEING! I have no idea what where when or who the ladies on these picture are. I will never see them in my lifetime. If your spouse looked at the cover of amagazine and said " damn she/he is fine, would you over react and feel threatned by that. I don't think so. BUT! What if you unexpectedly walked into your bedroom and your spouse quickly and nervously hung up the telephone or the computer. You would want to know what heck was going on wouldn't you? That's because whoever was on the otherside of that phone or screen was a real walking talking sex capable, home wrecking person. I have yet to see a picture do any of those things.

  You guys really have helped more than you know. As a matter of fact, I think I like this forum and am going to remain a member. I think that conseling is a good idea but I think that some of the people on this board could use a little advice from Frasier themselves but for the most part I've been received with open arms. I've also learned a lot and I think my wife has too. She's been reading along the whole time. She's been debating about posting so let us know if you'd like to hear from her. I had more points to cover but I don't want this post to seem neverending so I'm stopping now but, "I'll be back"
• 

  Prisca

  Thanks for your reply. I have to admit I was one of those who suspected you may have been a troll, so I decided to wait a bit before I said anything.

  I agree that looking at porn is waaay removed from having a cyber sex affair. The potential for your wife to meet him is real. Meeting some girl from the porn sites is just a fantasy!

  I can relate to your feelings of lack of trust with your wife, due to her continued adultery. She is a very lucky woman to have a husband like you, who is prepared to forgive so many times. In fact, I have to be totally honest and say that I am surprised that you have remained with her. But it is your life, and it is for the two of you to work out.

  I strongly suggest you see a marriage counsellor. For your wife to have had several affairs sadly says something about her and her view of your marriage. And perhaps it may do you both good to reduce your time on the PC and spend that time together.

  Don't feel obligated to reveal your wife's identity. Maybe it might be better for us to not know. Again, that is up to you and your wife.

  I wish you both well.
• 

  mommy

  Thanks Dreammaster
  I was a bit worried myself, but with so many on this forum now with multi personalities, I am having a hard time trusting anyone. I have been limiting my replies as well, but your story caught my eye.

  I understand how you feel about cybersex being cheating. Cybersex is interactive, and looking at pornography is not. I know many couples, who's marriage was tested due to pornography though, because the husband was usually masterbating while looking at the pictures, and not satisfying his wife. In my opinion this is very selfish, and is not fair to the wife. On the other hand, if the man has the stamina to keep his wife satisfied, and continue to look at porn, more power to him. But often this is not the case, and that goes for cybersex as well.

  As far as another comment that was made about beign able to discuss certain aspects or sexual preferences online, and not able to discuss with your partner. I feel very sorry for that person. I have always been very open about different possibilities with my partner, and feel talking about it and exploring those things only brings you closer. Sex should be a give and take, and your partner satisfactions should be on top of the list.

  This is a very personal topic to bring up on a Discussion board. I hope maybe some of the comments made have helped you. Your comment of not being able to trust her rings so true. I know I have been in that postion before in my life, and it is very unsettling. I hope that you can find peace.
  wendy
• 

  Abaddon

  Full credit for responding to the feedback you got in such a adult fashion.

  I understand you being most affected by the comments about privacy, and can understand the reasons why you did what you did. The fact there is a need to hide something shows something is wong.

  I think it is safe to say that when people said that maybe there was some reason why she was seeking sexual release, they were not neccesarilly thinking you were impotent or sexually disfunctional.

  Maybe she has a higher libedo than you. Maybe she has sexual fantasies online partners are happy to fufil but that you think are weird, or that she's too afraid to disclose to you. Some people might think that http://www.beautyscastle.com is funny, others might think it is foul, other might think it is very very exciting. If you are afraid of being laughed at or thought sick, you might seek an outlet elsewhere than with your partner.

  Just like 'some' guys have fantasies, so do 'some' women ('some' as in nearly damn well all). Something well over 50% of guys admit to cheerleader/schoolgirl fantasies in surveys. Do that many admit that to their girlfriends? No. Because they are afraid that they will be considered a pervert.

  What people miss is that fantasies are fantasies. Just cause a guy might have fantasies like that doesn't mean they would seduce an innocent or want sex with a schoolgirl.

  The idea of a wanton innocent is a turn on.

  A similar example is in the fantasies some women have about being ravished. Does that mean they want to be abducted and forced to have sex? Of course not. It is a fantasy. Likewise, not many girls want to do the football team in real life, but some come like a train when they use that as a masturbatory icon. Just as a wanton innocent is a turn on for some guys, the idea of being able to surrender sexually and not be responsible is very arrousing to some women, especially with the hypocritical western attitude towards sexually rapatious women.

  Maybe your spouse needs to be more honest with you about her sexuality, and you need to be accepting. You both need to use the love you have to find middle ground where you disagree.

  Of course it might not be about sex.

  Maybe she is in a cycle where she gets attention from being unfaithful. Maybe she feels neglected. Maybe she is being unreasonable and just likes the extra attention, even though it is negative. Maybe she has a point.

  Maybe it is not the attention or lack of attention that she gets from you that is the cause. Maybe she has esteem issues that make her very suseptable to flattery and attraction elsewhere.

  Once I left the dubs it took me ages to slow down. I had two dozen girlfriends (although some were not really girlfriends, just two or three week flings) in four years, some overlapping. I was a bastard. I'm not proud of that.

  But, the good news is, it can be sorted out. Has she told you WHY she does it? I don't mean her trying to justify doing it by comparing it to porn, I mean telling you WHY. She might not even know. When I was at the hight of my tartdom, I didn't even know I was being a tart.

  Therapy is a possibility, but you need to work out where to start from first if it is at all possible.

  Good luck
• 

  nelly136

  hi Dream,
  if you and your missus are reading this then the lines of communication
  arn't dead and thats a pretty good sign, personally
  I'm in no position to judge either way, I've been on the receiving end
  of a husband who had affairs and also done pay back, so call me old
  fashioned but if your wife fancies a thrill on the puter how about a
  compromise, knock it down to one or two nights a week and you sit with her
  while shes on it, then ya both piss off to bed 'together' after and work off
  the adrenalin, lay workable ground rules that you both agree on...eg no
  meeting up with cyber partners and keep the physical contact between
  yourselves, bettings are after a while the novelty will wear off the cyber
  thing and you'll end up cutting out the cyber middle man/woman when you
  renew your interests in each other ;)
  at the end of the day I'm not knocking the sex but communications probably
  more important cos without that the other one fizzles anyway.
  nelly
• 

  SlayerLayer

  In the first year of my current relationship, I walked into the room and found her kissing another guy. We were having a party and were all drinking alot. They were standing in the doorway. I walked up and slammed the door on her ass knocking her outside. I then locked the door.

  Eventualy I forgave her. A few months later, my suspicions of her came back. So I too "invaded" her privacy. I did the exact same thing that you did. I archived her IMs. I found the same thing, you did.

  She tried to turn it around on me, and make me out to be the bad guy by "invading" her privacy. Eventualy, I forgave her again and we moved on.

  Today, we have the most trusting relationship. I would never snoop into her private areas of life. And she wouldn't cheat.

  The point is that by my investigating the matter, we were able to find the problems and deal with them. Had I not looked into it, maybe we wouldn't be together today?

  On the other hand, if the man has the stamina to keep his wife satisfied, and continue to look at porn, more power to him

  Call me Stamina Man!
• 

  waiting

  hey slayer,

  And she wouldn't cheat.

  I hope you're right for it seems that you two have a fine relationship. Congratulations to the both of you.

  My fine husband & I have been married for 20 years now, and, to my knowledge, we have never cheated on each other. But I never bank completely on the future of anything.

  As the old saying goes: The only guarantees in life are death and taxes

  hey DreamMaster

  I hope you and your wife do some serious talking - and a counselor sounds like good advice to me. Hope you two go for it. As for being a jw female - it can de damning to one's self-image, always not good enough.

  Strange thoughts go through a woman's head if she's told that long enough.

  The newspaper report said the woman stabbed her husband 37 times. I admire her restraint. Roseanne Barr

  Not that the above quote has anything to do with *your* situation - but it's crossed *my* mind a time or dozen in 20 years.

  waiting
• 

  COMF

  Counseling would be good, man. It takes effort, you know. First you have to track down a counselor, then you have to set up the appointment, then you have to actually go to it. And then, you have to keep on going. And thinking about the stuff you guys discover. Maybe even doing some mental-emotional exercises at home.

  You have to want it to work, to do that. It's easy to just blow it off, sit at home cruising websites and letting your marriage stagnate and breed tiny monsters beneath the surface.

  Wishing you well,
  COMF
• 

  BugEye

  Abaddon,

  DAMN!!!!!

  I agree with everything you said. I dont believe it.

  BugEye
  (fainting in disbelief)
• 

  hippikon

  My apologies for jumping to the wrong conclusion