I was 16 when I disassociated myself from the JWs after growing up in it, and I'm 20 now and still having issues with breaking the thought process I was brought up with. I long ago realized the doctrine was wrong in the JWs, but somehow I still find myself having issues with guilt whenever I stop to feel or act or think a way that's my own and not what someone else tells me I should feel/act/think. Other times I feel completely lost because I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or act or think at the moment and I know that's not the way I should be thinking, that there isn't a particular way I'm supposed to be inside, but... I still have the paranoia and the gut feeling that I'm doing wrong by being myself, so to speak. I don't even really know how to explain it so I'm sorry if none of this is making any sense, I'm just hoping someone else out there may be able to relate and understand what I'm talking about... I've tried breaking free of it repeatedly, just relaxing and being myself, but it's always followed by a major guilt complex *especially if it involves someone reacting negatively* that causes me to fall into a huge depression and self hate that often causes me to physically harm myself because I think I deserve "punishment."
My boyfriend says that me growing up in the JWs is no different from him growing up in a Southern Baptist home and that the reason why I haven't recovered from this is because I wallow in it and feel sorry for myself. But I feel bad for even feeling sorry for myself so I don't do it, because I know other people have been through worse than me, like him, and it's selfish of me to feel sorry for myself when others have been through worse... I've tried to just move on and forget about and be myself, but somehow I just find myself falling into the same pattern over and over again... right now I'm in my first relationship I've had that wasn't with a controlling guy because I constantly find myself going for people that can tell me how I should be and order me around and will punish me when I'm not the way they think I should be or don't do what they tell me to do. That or I throw myself into a job and no matter how much I may be stepped on go on until I have a nervous breakdown one day and don't get out of bed to go to work then only to feel even more worthless when I lose the job. I'm trying so hard to just let everything go and be myself, and even though at times I forget I was ever a JW I still... show the same pattern... I break free happily only to hate myself and feel guilty for breaking free and even more for being happy when I did it and punish myself and go back into my submissive shell... and as time goes by the depression gets worse and worse, and I withdraw from people more and more, as in... I'm always in a shell, I never show my feelings or opinions to people and I don't really have any friends to speak of, just people that come to me when they need a shoulder but that I never hang out with or really express myself to, and I don't do alot of things *like hobbies* because I don't feel like I can do them, I don't feel like I can do much of anything or am worth much to anyone or even deserve to be worth much to anyone. I can't even talk to people half the time, people I know and people I don't know, because I just... panic. As time goes by I feel more and more like I'm watching someone else and get more and more tired of the show... most the time all I want to do is sleep so I can be away from it all.
I'm sorry this post ended up so long, but I just need to know if he's right and I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I should be fully recovered by now or if it's ok to not be over it yet. And if it is ok for me not to be over it yet, could someone give me some suggestions on how to explain this all to him?
Should I be over it by now?
by astridkittie 18 Replies latest social relationships
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astridkittie
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Gadget
Welcome to the board astridkittie. Everybodie is different, some people can just walk away and don't care, others take much much longer, and some if they don't do anything about it have lived for many years with guilt, giving the effects you describe. For you to still be feeling like that is certainly not unussual. How much research have you done into jehovahs witnesses since you left? You've obviously done some because you've found this site, but have you looked at any others? I found the biggest thing for me was finding out the 'truth about the truth', all the things that went on that very few people knew about but that showed to me that the wtbts is just a man made organisation. Look around on this board, and also through some of the ones in the link section to see more about this. Or for an overview of this look at
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/9/58215/1.ashx
Personally, one of the things that got me was trying to talk about it with other people, and I found it very hard to describe growing up as a jw, and so what effect it would've had on me growing up. I asked that question on here, and some of the answers made me think so much, you might want to discuss some of these with your boyfrined.
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/56964/1.ashx
I hope everything works out for you. There are a lot of good people on here who can answer any of your questions if you find something your not sure about when your doing your own research or reading the board.
Take care.
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Fe2O3Girl
Hi Astridkittie, and Welcome to the board.
First off, I am in the UK so I don't know anything about Southern Baptists. However, I was a JW from birth to aged 22, so I know a bit about JWs.
Being a JW means being part of a microcosm of society with its own rules, its own customs, even its own vocabulary. It is extremely strong "programming" which is why I say that four years after being involved for 16 years (your whole life up to that point), with no help in moving on, NO I am not in the least surprised you aren't "over it".
Look how many people are disfellowshipped, but still go on thinking its "the truth". It is one thing to escape the organisation physically, another thing altogether to get out mentally and emotionally.
However, you've come to the right place. Here you'll find so many of us that have gone through the same experiences, who'll point you in the right direction for full recovery.
The key for me was information - I had been out for four years when I first typed "Jehovah's Witness" into Yahoo with trembling hands. I didn't believe it anymore, but still had those background feelings, and still thought JWs were the nearest thing etc.
Finding out that the whole 586/1914 chronology was based on erroneous dates just lifted the cloud from my mind. All the other stuff - weird early teachings, miracle wheat, Beth Sarim, aluminium, through to what the WT doesn't tell you about who translated the NWT and up to Silentlambs, only confirmed what I was certain of in heart and mind.
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Fe2O3Girl
BTTT
Come on guys, I know I posted, so the thread is dead by rights, but we can do better than this.
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2escaped lifers
Greetings Astridkittie! Welcome to the board!
First off, there is no reason what so ever for you to feel guilty for not "getting over it" yet. Some people wrestle with the lingering afteraffects of being a JW for the rest of their life. That's how controlling and damaging the JW system is.
With all due respect to your boyfriend, he simply can't understand what you've been through. Perhaps you should invite him to browse this discussion forum, and read some of the experiences of other folks, and maybe he'll start to get a better understanding of how deeply the JW "experience" affects people. There is no comparison between being a Southern Baptist and a JW. I know, I'm from Alabama, heart of Baptist country. Many close friends are, or were, die-hard Southern Baptists, and they went through nothing like what I did. We've had long heart-to-heart discussions about our religious experiences, and it takes time for them to begin to understand even a little bit what being in a high control group, or cult, is like.
And don't apologize for sharing your feelings here. There are loads of good caring folks on this board, who have gone through exactly what you are experiencing.
Hang in there. It will get better! And I look forward to seeing more posts from you!
Best regards,
Brandon Bartlett
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Special K
Hello astridkittie..
Sounds like someone could use some nice big hugs......
((((((astridkittie )))))))))) ((((((((((( astridkittie )))))))))))).
Being raised a J.W. does leave one floundering for awhile after one gets out of it.
When you stop to think that while a J.W. one never has to think, make any major decisions.. All that is done for you by running to the elders and the elders running to the Watchtower magazines for what we are to do and what we are to think. If you don't run to them.. then they will certainly run after you to straighten you out on every little thing.
Sit down and wrap your arms around yourself, find a rocking chair and rock and comfort yourself. Rub your own back. I do.
To leave the J.W.'s is a good decision. But now give yourself some time to gradually get over things. List your priorities that need decision making on.. and deal with the most pertinent ones first.
Living in a cult, doesn't leave much room for making decisions on ones own. I was raised a jw from a toddler age and when I left the borg.. I had quite a time with bouts of sadness and was very indecisive on things. Never had to make many decisions before that.
Go easy on yourself. From my experience.. sometimes I was my worst enemy all that negative "what if... stuff in my head"... I had to make a conscious effort every time I started to do that.. To. say "Stop...this is not true.. I will take care of me"..I am a good person, I will be able to look after myself and make decisions as I see fit.
Another thing is that sometimes it's okay to say to yourself , "I've made a decision not to make a decision at this time." I will look at this issue again in two weeks, next month and decide if I will make a decision about it then. And you can always say.."No, I've made the decisions not to make a decision on this one yet and put it up on the shelf again for a bit.
I found this approach to things, really took alot of pressure off me (inside my head). It was like taking that problem off my shoulder and putting it up in the cupboard.. then I could breathe easier and give my mind some space.
For many of us the J.W. religion was like a parent and when we chose to leave this abusive parent. It still feels like abandonment. I had to take a time to really parent myself because the first person we have to show unconditional love to when we leave is ourselves. Therefore, the rocking chair and hugging and rocking oneself.. while rubbing your back is very comforting. You can also say to yourself inside."it's okay, I'm here and I will look after you"..I'ts okay.
things will get better, I'm sure of it.
((( hugs )))
Special K
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pettygrudger
Welcome to the board Astrid!!!
I also was df'd at 16 - and never went back. It took a long time for me to "recover" from the ingrained paranoia & fear that one is raised in in that religion.
As far as your boyfriend being "right" - no, but his strength will help you see this through. Perhaps he should read some of the experiences here to realize just how traumatic it can be for those raised in this faith. Southern Baptist is another "extreme" religion, but even there, one's entire life support system (friends & family) is not taken away should a person make a mistake. While there are inheirent psychological phobia's that are engrained in one raised in either religion - the "truth" has the added bonus of "tangible" conditional love requirements (God vs. family).
And, how one recovers from the after effects of this type of trauma is different for every person. Your boyfriend is trying to help you - make you "snap out of it". It sounds like he means well. Dwelling isn't a good thing to do, but "dealing" is. The best thing you can do is to continue to study the "truth about the truth" - and you will find that this will go a LONG way to helping you retrain your thinking patterns. Guilt & self-worthlessness are engrained in every child raised as a JW. Being able to prove to yourself that it isn't supposed to be that way will help - and you will get passed this.
Again, Welcome to the board, and I look forward to reading more of your comments!
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Gopher
Welcome to the board, astridkittie! That was quite a first post, and very understandable!
As part of the JW's they made you feel like a tiny cog in a big "theocratic" machine. You had to serve the machine, or you might die at the Armageddon they fantasize about (but preach as fact).
By crushing the individual and getting them to submit to the whims of the leaders, they create people like us who grew up in the organization and feel lost when trying to function normally in the real world.
Like has been mentioned earlier, the key is gaining information about this controlling organization, their history, how they operate and control. Then you'll realize it was all a scam designed to use people like us.
I hope you enjoy your stay on this board. People really do understand here. Feel free to vent and question and even have some fun out here!
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ApagaLaLuz
Jehovah's Witnesses mask their CULT as a religion. The mental programming that JWs have takes a long time. There is a big difference. There does come a time when you DO have to ¨¨get over it.¨¨ But your boyfriend did not spend time as a Jehovah´´s Witness and you did not spend the time as a Southern Baptist. It´´s not fair for either to judge the other´´s situation. Sometime if you really care about someone you support them, even if it is while they ¨¨wallow.¨¨ Good luck to you. Like Tupac says ¨¨Keep your head up.¨¨
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kgfreeperson
You know, people are different. Some people, once convinced of the error of JW doctrine, just walk away. While they may be embarrassed at the nonsense they once accepted wholeheartedly, they are able to move into the larger world and do well. Others have learned ways of thinking that do not serve them well and, even though they are convinced of the error of JW doctrine, they are left with perceptions of the world and themselves that get in their way. (Paragraph) Sometimes it is helpful to remember that JWism is not the source of all the world's ills! Lots of people learn how to be in the world from very very dysfunctional families which are dysfunctional for lots of reasons. I think it would be very worthwhile to find a therapist to help you tease out and examine your basic assumptions about life and yourself and how one should operate in the world. That alone might very well get you started on "getting over" being raised a JW. At any rate--best of luck!