Loss of Family

desib77

I am just wondering if any of you have lost family members that you were really close to by leaving "the organization"? How did you deal with it?

Right now I am neither disfellowshipped nor disassociated but considered inactive. I haven't been to a meeting since I was 19. I was able to deal with the loss of my so-called friends but the part I'm having the most trouble with is my mother. She has told me that she will never stop telling me "the good news". Avoiding religous issues does not work with her. It is very tough for me to hear what she has to tell me all the time. I guess I'm sort of weak right now and even though I am starting to think things through, hearing from her just makes me feel horrible for even thinking about things.

The problem is that I love my mother and do not want to lose her over this. I also do not want to hurt her. I remember being a witness and the hurt I felt when my best friend left. I know the pain my mother would feel would be much, much worse if I were to take a more drastic stand.

Does anyone have any suggestions? similar experiences?

Elsewhere

I too lost my family when I decided that I did not want to be a JW. I wasted four years of my life trying to keep them in my life... in the end they value the book publishing coporation over their family.

I've learned that the only way to really deal with this is to move on... find new friends... and a new family.

(((Desib)))

calamityjane

I've lost my parents along with my brother and his wife and kids, since I've left. Their kids have since grown up and gotten married, these weddings I was never invited to. Yes it hurts but like Elsewhere said you have to move on, find new friendships.

I know its not easy at the beginning but eventually through years you'll eventually have a whole new circle of friends that really enrich your life, and with these new friends is unconditional friendship, they accept you for who you are.

love

cj

Sassy

I had a similar situation with my mother. I finally had to lay down the law and tell her that I didnt' want to discuss meetings, or the KH or the elders or other similar stuff. I told her that if she pushed it down my throat, it was only going to push me away from it farther.

So even though I still get a little note here or there in an email, she has cut back on what she says..

although she doesn't talk with me about much any more either.. weather... health.. are the subjects I guess she thinks are ok to talk about now.

Strawberryfieldsforever

Hi Desib77.

I've been out for 13 years now. I haven't been df'd or da'd. I did the slow fade. Because of that my Mom still talked to me for awhile. She would always tell me scary things about the time of the end and that we should want to be in good standing with Jehovah so we don't lose our life. It always scared me and I felt so sick with fear. I avoided talking to her so I didn't have to listen to it anymore. I think I tried for a while to keep her in my life, but found that I couldn't move forward. She held me back because I was always tip toeing around issues to make her feel good. I had to go on with my life. I wanted to vote and celebrate holidays. I was free now of the JW mindset and was excited to enter the real world. Unfortunately, my Mom wasn't part of my new life nor did she have any interest in it. She only wanted me to be part of her JW life. She had love for me, but as I found out, it was only on her terms.

My neighbor told me once that if my Mom didn't want to be part of my non JW life, then that was HER choice. I guess thats very true. I know that you must feel terrible about losing your Mom. I did too. But as time goes on, I am finding other beautiful loving honest people to help fill the void. Find some! Contrary to what we've been taught at the hall, there are wonderful people out there that you can trust and that will love you unconditionally. I hope this helps a little. Hang in there and remember, that you are important too and what you want to do with your life. Don't forget that!

Strawberryfieldsforever

Dansk

desib77

I know its not easy at the beginning but eventually through years you'll eventually have a whole new circle of friends that really enrich your life, and with these new friends is unconditional friendship, they accept you for who you are.

CJ is right, which is why I have a lot of love for her and her hubbie, xjw-b12. They were amongst the first to offer their friendship, on and off list. That meant so much to my wife and I at the time - and has meant even more as we've made our journey from exit to freedom.

Well said CJ.

Ian

Elsewhere

She held me back because I was always tip toeing around issues to make her feel good.

Exactly.

I finally had to lay down the law and tell her that I didnt' want to discuss meetings, or the KH or the elders or other similar stuff. I told her that if she pushed it down my throat, it was only going to push me away from it farther.

Ironically, JWs perceive this as religious persecutions directed against themselves. They think it is their RIGHT to cram their teachings down your throat. If you refuse, they feel like you are persecuting THEM.

Phantom Stranger

I have a similar experience with my mom, beginning 18 years ago when I faded. Part of this is the JW influence and part of it (in my case, and I suspect in yours) is a fairly common dynamic between mother and son. She is going to be "right" with you about this.

I finally let my mom know, politely but firmly, that I was going to minimize my time with her if she continued to act in such a way. The response was a couple of years of thin conversation and superficial communication. We got through it - largely because I succeeded in avoiding trying to be right with her. Hopefully, as was the case with me, at some point she'll start to feel (maybe not to think, but to feel) that you are doing OK without her forcing you toward a certain path, and she'll give you the room.

It's worth noting that while this particular situation is hanging on is the JW hook, the behavior is common about relationships, jobs, etc., between controlling mothers and their adult children. Confronting it, resisting it, fighting over it, doesn't work. The above may work - but stiffening up does not.

Best of luck,

PS

gitasatsangha

Desib,

I hope it works out for you ok. Just realize you are not in control nor responsible for how other people react to you. Just be true to yourself. Can't expect anyone else to be.

I was fine with my relatives until I was DA'd. Then my best friend called me on the phone and tried to belittle me for about an hour, basically calling me a fool for my choice. After that, there were small barely perceptable changes which have grown. One of my sisters has nothing to do with me, whereas another of my sisters still talks to me as much as before. My folks treat me normally when I travel to visit them, but only talk to me briefly on the phone when I call, and never call me anymore. If I asked them directly if they have changed because I'm not a JW anymore, I am sure they'd deny it. They probably don't even know they are doing it or that it makes me sad.

Just remember that a lot of things people might do or say do you (or more importantly, NOT SAY), are the same way you or I might have behaved when we were hardcore JW's. People can change. Just got to live your life while they are in their own.

Dansk

Gita,

Just remember that a lot of things people might do or say to you (or more importantly, NOT SAY), are the same way you or I might have behaved when we were hardcore JW's. People can change. Just got to live your life while they are in their own.

EXACTLY! We live in hope that our families might find what we found. Until then, live life properly - unconditioned!

Ian

Loss of Family

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