My life ... and how JWD came to be - Part 1
My life ... and how JWD came to be - Part 2
My life ... and how JWD came to be - Part 3
So, I was half-in, half-out. I kept trying to convince my family about things but they wouldn't listen and the elders wanting to keep me quiet.
We were having our second child around this time and or course we got a token visit from the family in hospital. The first thing we were asked though by 'elder' brother in law was "did you have blood?!". They just wanted an excuse to be rid.
Between the two kids being born (two years apart) I got in touch with my dad. Or, to be more exact, he got in touch with us. I can't tell you what that felt like to give my old man a hug and show him his grandson. I am so glad that they have had a chance to meet him and get to know him because they love him to bits (he always makes them laugh) and they always want to go to visit him in Canada which we've done several times.
Back at the KH though, things weren't so nice. They obviously saw me as a threat and were doing everything they could to isolate us. The only time anyone of the elders ever showed any interest in Angharad's spiritual well-being was to ask if I was stopping her going to meetings (in front of me). Other than that, she may as well not have existed to them.
Eventually, they decided that I need to be 'marked'. So, some obese elder got up at the service meeting and gave a talk all about apostacy and 'the antichrist'. They picked the week my dad had come over to visit and was say next to me at the KH. My blood was boiling.
Just to make sure everyone got the message, the elders made sure to tell everyone it was me that it was about of course!
Thankfully though, it wasn't all one-way traffic. Some people rang us up to tell us what they (the elders) were doing and I also found out that they were ringing my mother telling her a pack of lies bout me and what had been said and done. Of course, she believed them.
Even better, I was able to tell my little brother everything I'd found out and he never got baptised and stopped going to meetings. It was all worthwhile just for this.
While this was going on I started JWD. At the time there was H2O which was very confrontational and aggressive and also Witnet which was too pro-JW to allow any questions. My aim was to have somewhere civil and welcoming where current and ex JWs could discuss things with neither side being put off or driven away. It grew slowly and people made friends and while it's had it's up and downs, I think generally it's done OK and achieved more than I could ever have imagined.
Anyway, back 'in reality' I decided that enough was enough and so I wrote to the elders to complain about what they were doing taking care to always stress that it was not a disassociation letter and no attempt should be made to treat it as one.
One elder seemed understanding, apologetic even, when I banged on his front door to have it out with him.
Still, any civilities did not last long. One sunday afternoon we had a knock at the door and two elders were there wanting to talk. I told them it wasn't convenient as we had visitors and they suggested that we go to the KH on Wednesday "just to have a chat".
I declined.
A week later I got a letter in the post saying that they took my refusal to meet with them at a JC (which there was never any mention of) as my decision to disassociate myself.
I got the letter on a Saturday and went straight to the KH hoping there would be someone there - there was. One of the elders was out on service with a few others from his group.
I marched in and up to the noticeboard to get the name and address of the CO. While I was there the elder called the police and started saying that someone had run into the hall and was trying to do some damage. From half the conversation I was hearing it sounded like he was trying to make out it was some unknown stranger so making sure the person on the other end of the phone heard, I said loudly "D***, you know exactly who I am" and gave my name"). I suspect he was told to get lost and stop wasting their time as he seemed very apologetic all of a sudden to them before hanging up.
I wrote to the CO outlining all the 'dirty tricks' that they had been up to and of course threatening to be a thorn in their side.
Shortly after, two elders turn up (tweedledum and tweedledee) to say that the CO has organised a JC appeal for me (against what verdict?) with 3 elders from another KH.
I went prepared.
I went into the KH one evening at around 6:30 with 2 dictation machines in my coat pocket and briefcase.
Inside, there were the 3 local elders who had DA's me and 3 I'd never seen before who were going to conduct the 'appeal'. One was an elderly, old school type elder. He came across as quite sincere. Next was a "company man" who was in it for the power, arrogant and argumentative. Finally, there was a new "wannabe" who may have been on his first JC and learning the ropes.
The first thing they asked is if I had any recording equipment. I didn't feel at all guilty lying to them and saying "no". Technically, they asked if I has "a" tape recorder ... I had two ;)
They went over several things. I knew I wasn't going to convince them to change their mind so had nothing to lose. I could g odown guns blazing. I kicked large holes in several doctrines and told things like they were, everytime they swiftly switched onto something else. I told them how angry I was about missing so much time with my father only to see the bullshit they had written on their website about ex-members not being shunned and not breaking family ties. The newbie wannabe elder made a glib comment that if it offended me, I should just not read it.
I showed then quotes from their own literature to back up everything I said which they just dismissed. Finally, they got onto what really mattered to them ... my website.
It was clear that this was *the* biggest factor in the whole affair. They wanted to know if I'd be willing to take it down and hinted that this whole affair could probably be forgotten about if I did. They wanted to know how many people visited the site. I leaned forward in my chair and said "about 16,000 a week" (it's gone up a bit since then!) and then added "that's more than you get at a district convention once a year isn't it?". I really like that 'seething elder look'.
The newbie one made one of his rare interruptions saying that they didn't like some of the things that were on the site (I bet!) so I got in his face and repeated his own words back to him from earlier: "well if it offends you, simply don't read it then".
At the end of the meeting which lasted about 3.5 hours they asked me to go out while they decided things and, unsurprisingly, they upheld the original verdice that I had DA'd myself by refusing to speak to the elders ... after a 3+ hour meeting with 6 of them. Go figure!
I didn't feel to bad though. In a way, it was good. I quess they call it "closure".
But, of course, they would not leave it there. They can't have people just 'leave and be happy'. They tried and succedded in driving a wedge between me and my mother with their insistence that I had written a letter to DA myself.
They also contacted my wife's congregation to make sure we were not welcomed there and shunned by as many family as possible and they also range the congregation in Lethbridge, Canada to warn them that we were going to visit !!
Some family turned againt us, my sisters and Angharad's sister especially (all married to elders or wannabe's). But others didn't. Other family then tried to make things hard for them for having any contact with us. This is an evil, evil cult and excels in hurting people.
So what has life been like since leaving (officially)?
It's been good and bad. Mainly good.
Adjusting to 'life outside' takes some getting used to but we've made new friends. both online and offline all of whom have been a great help to us I got a new job and done a lot better, started putting something away for a pension.
The forum has been an incredible help to us both. As well as being a fantastic way to meet people it's also meant that I could channel my energy into doing something positive to try and help other people - it would have been very easy to become obsessed with revenge and 'bringing the watchtower down' or my own personal hurt but this would only have hurt me and my family and not the WTS.
Ironically, by not setting out to hurt them, I think it's hurt them far more than if I'd tried.
Everytime people get together, everytime someone shares their life story, everytime someon feels safe to ask a question or simply to read what other people have written - it's a little chip appearing in the WTS armour, a little mortar in their walls crumbling. Long may it continue.
I now have a great relationship with my father in Canada and we go over to visit when we can. He comes over here too. I've also met my half-sister in Canada, my native-American brother-in-law (very quiet but a nice guy) and nieces and nephew. As many probably know our long term-goal is to move over there when we can and to this end we're working at gaining qualifications, paying of debts and saving up.
While we have family still 'in the troof' we don't really have anything to do with the ones who still shun us and we don't really miss them. The JW world for us is long gone and we would never want to go back.
I see our two lads growing up and the eldest is very like what I was at that age in terms of what he likes and what he's good at. Unlike me, who because quiet and withdrawn because of the WTS imposed isolation, he is confident and allowed to join in. It is like seeing the little lad I should have been allowed to be when I watch him getting excited about his birthday party or proud of being in the school Xmas play.
Leaving the WTS is a lot easier if you have and can do it as a family unit. I know not everyone has this luxury and I can imagine how painful this must be, possibly having to face leaving a spouse and maybe children still in the clutches of the WTS.
Of course not everyone in 'apostatesville' is nice or friendly. We have come across a few people who have been so obsessed with fighting the WTS for so long that it seems that they have even forgotten what they are fighting about. They are no concerned with helping people but just getting revenge for their own bruised egos. All they know how to do now is fight and it has almost become a hobby to them. They stopped fighting the WTS a long time ago and have become charicatures of the apostates that the WTS warns it's members about.
I don't intend to become like that. There is no point dedicating your life to hurting the WTS - if you do, it means that they are still hurting you, still influencing your life and still have power over you. It's OK to stick around to get some answers or to do something to help others but if people are replacing the WTS with AntiWTS then I think there is something wrong. You have to let it go and leave it behind and live a happy life. That is and always will be the best revenge on the WTS.
Every day the forum becomes more of a chore and less of a pleasure. It doesn't mean that I don't still enjoy running the site - I do. Just not as much as I once did as I need it less personally. The JW issues become more of accedemic interest rather than personal interest. But don't worry, it's not going to disappear anytime soon. Eventually though, we'll move on. We've always thought that a move to Canada would be an ideal time to give it up and hand it over to someone else or, preferably, to a group of people to continue. I hope people have found it useful and if it's helped just a few people as much as it's helped us then it will have been worthwhile.
It's been a great journey over the last few years. We've had some great times and met some fantastic people that I hope we'll be friends with for life. We've made some mistakes as well and learnt some lessons. Hopefully others can learn from ours to save making the same.
It would be nice to visit the site (or whatever one is around then) in 5 years time to let people know how we're doing and find only a few of the same people still around. Becoming an ExJW should be a process, a stage, and not the final destination that some people make it. We should all aim to become Ex-Ex-JWs and leave everything to do with the WTS behind us. Some will find that easier than others and some have to stick around longer because of friends and family but I think it should be our goal.
Thanks for bearing with my story. It has been quite therapautic putting it down in writing even though it's a bit jumbled and I've left a lot out.
- Simon