Facing my family.....

Evesapple

Hello everyone,

Although I have not really shared my story here, I have one thing I'd like to share now that makes me very nervous. I'm going to visit some friends of mine in Arizona for a week. They are friends I had made on my own way after JW's, great, supportive, loving friends....I'm proud of them in that they truely have become my family and have re-defined the true meaning of friendship. However, all of my family lives there too. I"m taking my 10 month old son and my 13 year old daughter with me. I have been communicating with my sister via e-mail, even though she is still a witness we talk about the kids and exchange pictures. I asked my sister if we could see her and the kids since it has been so long and life is short and time doesn't stand still. She agreed and even reminded me of my visit as to when I would be coming down. My mother and father on the other hand have made absolutely no attempts to be in contact with us, no calls, no letters, no e-mails....they've even been in Chicago and never even bothered to call or stop by....this they call love. What I fear is that when I go down to see my sister my mother will want to stop by too...and I don't believe it's to see whether we're alive but rather out of curiosity....she's never seen her grandson. She expects me to continue sending her photos and updates but no reciprocation. I have to admit in the beginning I had been sending photos but have since stopped since I figure, 'why? why am I doing this?' I guess a part of me was hopeful, but now I don't feel that there is any hope. Even my daughter would prefer not to see them, mostly due to the fact that they haven't returned any of her calls either.

I just don't know what to say to her if she does show up. I have so many emotions that I don't know what one will come out. I'm somewhat angry, hurt, sad, and yet I love them and want them to love me and see that I'm happy and be supportive. The latter I know will not happen, but there is still a piece of me that wishes she'd show up and a piece of me that hopes she's just not there. I think it will be easiest for all of us if she just doesn't show. It's been almost 9 years now since I've been ot, and I've never done drugs, or led a crazy life...I've just lived, and enjoyed my freedom I feel at peace with no regrets....I don't know. Any suggestions as to how to react or say.

Thanks.

shotgun

(((Evesapple)))

Please give your daughter a big hug from me((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))))))

Even my daughter would prefer not to see them, mostly due to the fact that they haven't returned any of her calls either.

That comment on they're dispicable treatment of her breaks my heart.

little witch

Evesapple Welcome to the forum.

Why do you feel the need to be a "pleaser"? Why send pics etc. without two way communication?

Dont be a glutton for punishment. Perhaps the reason your mother expects an ass kissing is because you are always ready to pucker up?

This leaves her in control, as is obviously the case. She benifits from her game without confrontation.

Buckle up there sis! Do what YOU want to do, and don't fear to let manipulative people (family or not) rule your world!

garybuss

Hi Eve,

I guess I'd say go with your gut. You sound like a very good parent and I bet your best judgment will be fine. I read you are not really feeling trepidation about meeting with your mother, you are feeling anxious about meeting with your sister.

Maybe if you schedule that meeting at your choice of place and time with solid support there with you, you will not feel anxious about it. I wouldn't even think about meeting with the JW sister alone. I'd bring at least one solid person with me. Two would be better. I have gotten through all kinds of challenging things this way.

Best wishes. Let us know how it all went, please. GaryB

franklin J

Hi Eve

Ditto shotguns statement for me.

I also add that you want to give Your familiy EVERY oppurtunity; let the love and friendship you have recieved from your new "worldly" friends shine through as an expample to your kids. Let your kids see that you are trying to give every chance to see and communicate with the extended family; and leave it to that extended family to tell their grandchildren "just why they have not communicated". Distance could have something to do with it. But I bet they cannot be that hard hearted to children in person ( especially your own grandchildren)

Someday the grandparents are not going to be around. At that time; you will want to look in the mirror and say to yourself ( and especially your children) ; that you did everything in your power to keep an open communication.

I am sorry for the situation. JWs are a hard bunch. The kids will most likely just enjoy the travel and not think anything about the family situation.

regards, Frank

Evesapple

Dont be a glutton for punishment. Perhaps the reason your mother expects an ass kissing is because you are always ready to pucker up?

This leaves her in control, as is obviously the case. She benifits from her game without confrontation.

Well put, you are absolutely right LW. I will definetly keep that in mind. I have always been the peacekeeper and pleaser, and it's what she expects.

Thanks to all comments you have been very helpful and it's definetly made me a lot stronger, a little less nervous. I will probably bring a friend with me as my own support as well.

Sassy

You do what is best for you Eve. Some of us are so hurt we won't nothing, if we get nothing back, others of us feel a need for at least some tie to family even if it is minimal. The thing is, their shunning/cutting us off is their choice. They like to say that we are the ones who made the choice knowing that our not being JWs would cause this to happen, but the truth is we are still their flesh and blood and the same good person of the heart, whether or not we are JWs. It is their following blindly w/o care of how much pain they cause us, that brings this situation at hand. For me, I know I would have a mixed feeling about my mom. if I were in your situation and mom didn't show up, as much as I would think I don't want to see her, on the other hand, I'd be hurt if she didn't show up too.. I guess a small part of me inside needings to feel wanted by her even under the circumstances. Then I'd be mad at myself because I would know I deserve better.

Well I know that just coming to town would not be enough for my mom. She obeys the WTS to the point of no association whatsoever..

except when one is in the hospital, etc..

then her conscience allows it.........

my sister gets so mad that she has been ill at times and didn't tell her. She figured if she can't be in her life other times, why does she want her there then..

acsot

I have always been the peacekeeper and pleaser, and it's what she expects.

Me too, which is why it may be difficult for you if your mother just shows up when you least expect it. You may quiver inside but stick to your guns. People don't know what to do when they don't receive the acquiescence they thought they were entitled to; the balance of emotional power will shift in your favor.

Hugs to you and the kids.

Swan

She expects me to continue sending her photos and updates but no reciprocation. I have to admit in the beginning I had been sending photos but have since stopped since I figure, 'why? why am I doing this?' I guess a part of me was hopeful, but now I don't feel that there is any hope. Even my daughter would prefer not to see them, mostly due to the fact that they haven't returned any of her calls either.
I just don't know what to say to her if she does show up.

If she does show up, why don't you just tell her that you have mixed feelings about seeing her again? Tell her how you resent her mistreatment of you and your children. Tell her that this you resent the one-sided relationship she has enforced and that you are tired of it. Tell her she needs to start treating all of you better if she hopes to salvage any part of her relationship with your family. Tell her there are consequences to her shunning your family, but you are willing to work at a reconciliation if she will.

I hope this helps.

Tammy

lollydawdle

Amen to that, Franklin J. If your mother wants to see you and her grandchildren, Evesapple, I say let it happen. You never know when people will have a change of heart. If she doesn't visit, that will say it all, but don't stoop to her level and shun her if she wants to come. Best wishes. (((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))

Facing my family.....

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