Verdelle

by bebu 15 Replies latest jw experiences

  • bebu
    bebu

    This morning I went to a meeting at our church. Someone commented that we should consider a Hispanic outreach, and a lady I know, Verdelle, said, "Do you know which group is evangelising the Hispanics like crazy around here?" No one answered, so she told us: "The Jehovah?s Witnesses." The meeting went on, but I decided to talk with Verdelle after the meeting to understand how she had come across this information.

    Later, I approached her. And she told that her mother had converted to be a witness when she (not Verdelle) was an adult. Verdelle?s parents had divorced and she wasn?t raised by her mother, so she was not subjected to going to the KH. Her mother did send her all sorts of litter-achure, however. Verdelle joined the church where I now attend when she was in her 30?s, and sometime after that told her mother to stop sending info. Her mother stopped taking initiative to have contact with Verdelle anymore after that.

    I told Verdelle about my past year, about discovering that what appeared to be a fender-bender on the side of the road in life actually was a serious accident, with most of the victims bleeding hidden in a ditch: I?m aware that there are people that have been walking around looking normal, but they?re desparate inside, thanks to this cult. I told her about my neighbor, and how she has become my friend thru odd circumstances, and not thru a Bible study or other normal JW/non-JW sanctioned contact. I told her how frustrated I was about the predicament of folks here on the board, whose spouses have been conditioned to interpret all outside information, by default, as lies, and therefore are prevented from thinking clearly. I told her how wonderful it would be if there were a network of special "householders" who could, thru friendship and thru meetings with JWs, gently give information which, coming from an apostate, would be rejected. (Shotgun, I wish I knew such a reference for you in Vancouver...) It felt good to talk to someone in person about things I have been feeling, instead of just on this board.

    We had an interesting discussion. I started to say good-bye and turned to go, but, I noticed that Verdelle seemed somewhat unhappy and upset; she had been putting things away and I had perceived her attitude as business-like, but by now she was somewhat terse. Then she said, "You know, I don?t want to really talk about this stuff very much... This group has ruined my mother?s life by making her psychotic in her last days, as she became anxious about her being unable to fulfill her obligation. After she became too old and disabled to do much, after all those years of service, no one came around to give her any aid or help, or any of their time. She became obsessed and anxious because she wasn't doing enough. She died psychotic. It was absolutely awful. I don?t even want to think about the WT anymore."

    I just stood there and stared at her... and then slowly shook my head. "The pain..." I said finally.

    She just nodded her head.

    I?d never known this about Verdelle before?and she was a nurse who had worked with my husband for several years. It was hard to look at her. Her mother had died years ago, and Verdelle was still suffering as collateral damage of the WTS.

    I said at last, "A year ago, if you had told me this, I would have probably told you, ?Oh man, I?m really sorry to hear that-- that is just awful,? and not guess at the depth... But today...! ... Today! I really, really am sorry to hear all of this, Verdelle. I am really, so really sorry Verdelle...."

    Again, I moved to leave but then she suddenly walked over to me with a red face. I was confused?I had inadvertently caused her to become upset--was she now angry?? But she grabbed me and hugged me hard and choked out "Thank you, thank you so much." She hugged me again. Then she walked a couple steps, turned and waved, and she smiled thru a couple tears. She looked embarassed.

    I must be very stupid, because it still took me a moment to grasp what she was trying to say.

    Until she hugged me, I hadn?t realize that not only had she been suffering because of the WT?s work on her mother, but because she also experienced isolation in her suffering, though unintentional. On the surface, it is hard to understand how deep a toll an simple organization can affect someone who was never even a member. It takes time for non-JWs to understand all the implications and the severe toll the WT has, not only on the JWs themselves, but even on the families who deal with a JW member.

    It is because the WT is very efficient in destruction of families. They even wound deeply the non-JW members. And I had no idea that such were in my church. I never thought to ask about this.

    Well anyway... I had just attended a very energetic and enjoyable meeting at church--brainstorming and debating, joking and planning. But I have been sobered with that talk with Verdelle.

    I am thinking hard about what can be done...

    bebu

  • talesin
    talesin

    bebu

    I'm moved by your story - yes, about Verdelle, but this I knew. I did not know about your rare and amazing comprehension of JW issues. Thanks for being you, for being able to understand as few do...

    talesin

  • Sentinel
    Sentinel

    What a wonderful experience you related to us here. Many times we cross paths with individuals and we have no clue as to how we have affected them. If we can remember how other's have affected us, then perhaps we can see the other side of the coin. Sometimes we don't ever see that person again and we never get to tell them what we feel, or how they touched our heart.

    Many times people are hurting so badly but are so afraid to step outside of their "emotional comfort zone". No matter how miserable they are, they keep it all inside and it ruins them and brings them down. Now you know that you have helped this woman in her time of great need.

    This is something you can always carry in your heart. As human beings we have so much to give. Once we learn how to love ourselves, reaching out to others seems very natural. Love and compassion is a divine gift we sometimes forget how to use.

    /<

  • bebu
    bebu

    Verdelle is someone who has mostly healed, but sometimes there are still a few raw nerves. It is hard to go back to places in our thoughts, to memories which hurt so bad! She is really an amazing woman, even-keeled, and sharp-minded. I would never have guessed that she has had to deal with these things--or guess that it has been something she has had to bear mostly alone.

    Tale, I don't know that I am so "rare". I think it is lack of opportunity for many people. This is a hidden scourge. Everyone who learns about the WT usually focuses on the doctrines and the false prophecies, etc. How many books are there about the emotional toll? Non-dubs just assume that if it's all doctrinal, it is a simple matter of quitting. Only here, or thru a long-term personal relationship with an ex-JW, could it be learned that there is more to it than just quitting.

    ...I remember when I was in high school, we had to give a speech about some important event in our lives. We all went up and shared interesting stories. Then one guy, named Hai, had his turn. Hai had been at our school for about a year and spoke perfect English; we didn't really think of him as a Vietnamese refugee, which he actually was. Just another junior in high school.

    We sat stunned as he told us how he and his family escaped Viet Nam (this was in the mid-70s). His father was a high army official and their lives were in danger, and they had to escape the Viet Cong. Not all of them had survived--an uncle was killed, and his youngest sister died of dehydration. They had to sleep in bushes at night, and wade thru waist-high mud thru jungle areas. He told us how they had to kill some men who were trying to take over their little escape boat. That they were 'rescued' by men on a large boat who, once they were on board, saw his mother and sisters... and his voice trailed off, and he closed his eyes, and he put his head down on the podium, face down.

    And sobbed.

    He was not alone in sobbing. ...It took a while for him (and us) to compose himself; but he did not return to mentioning his mother or sisters.

    Until that time, we had only seen a quiet, straight-A student who was very calm and unruffled by our energetic high school affairs. No one ever saw him the same after that, as you can imagine. We deeply respected and admired him, and felt horror at what he'd endured. I never knew a 16-year like me old could have such a history, yet appear so 'normal'. I began to think about the other refugees around me... what about them?? What was their story?... And I got hints that his was not the only story like this.

    Sentinel, you are so right. We don't know how we affect people ourselves. And we don't realize that we do hold a key to helping people heal. It's easy to just dismiss the thought of helping, thinking that what we have to offer isn't very much (because it really doesn't seem like much from our perspective). Yet we are often wrong! We need to tune in to each other better, though it is a very challenging task.

    bebu

  • A Paduan
    A Paduan

    Emotional toll - Here I am making my next of many many posts, which don't even come close to reflecting the amount I have read here / time spent - but I am not jw - never have been - no family ever were - and I have never posted on internet boards before. Why ?

    Jws moved and built next-door. So driven with hate, their behaviour rivalled not many inbeing nasty, very much upsetting people they had never met aside from the fact that they didn't want to be jw like themselves, thinking them a bit silly. When I revealed that one member of my family had cried herself to sleep for weeks, as her home and environment had been lost, they were not sorry, but rather, vindicated, indeed successful.

    Those around us wondered and said "how bad for you" etc., but as the "holy people" dressed so nice and smiled (in true theocratic war strategy) those around us would perhaps wonder if we may be whingers, or, perhaps we should just move or something.

    This was our home - were we lived - we did not ask jws to envy it or enter it - that sort of spirit was never welcome, but you hid that - in your purposes.

    Emotional toll - when we yelled at our children, and they didn't understand why we would snap like that, when I would watch my family become so upset.

    And now, when I read the experiences of people here - is it enough for the wt to be so deluded - perhaps it is, but perhaps I am here because I would like them to know about the delusion as well - for their own good of course - upturn their tables and drive them right out of the temple.

  • LuckyNun
    LuckyNun

    thank you for sharing . that was a moving account.

  • Hyghlandyr
    Hyghlandyr
    I said at last, "A year ago, if you had told me this, I would have probably told you, ?Oh man, I?m really sorry to hear that-- that is just awful,? and not guess at the depth... But today...! ... Today! I really, really am sorry to hear all of this, Verdelle. I am really, so really sorry Verdelle...."

    That says how many of us feel Bebu. And we keep feeling it more deeply as time goes on. Hugs goddess.

  • talesin
    talesin

    au contraire, my friend

    I have had many 'recovering' Catholics tell me that I could not comprehend the amazing amount of guilt that Catholicism causes. They will argue that there is no way JW guilt is half as bad.

    These folk like to say 'but I grew up with a JW and (s)he had no problems'. Upon questioning them, I usually find that these so-called witnesses they grew up with were 'double-life' witnesses or, as they say, from a family that was 'weak' or had a parent who was 'worldly' and gave them at least some vestige of independence or self-esteem.

    The other thing they say is 'but you're so healthy'. I just grin and reply 'well, after 15 years of therapy, I HOPE SO'.

    Years ago, this used to get to me, but back then I had more need for validation. My close friends understand, cause they know me well and can see how it has affected me, even after many years of freedom.

    Maybe you would like to think that most people are empathetic - it has been my experience that they are not. Most people in our society are very wrapped up in themselves and are not open to others' feelings and energy.

    After 3 years of working on a rape crisis line, I can tell you that a huge problem for survivors is 'not being able to discuss it with my friends cause it makes them uncomfortable'. Just try telling a group that you are a rape victim, see how the conversation STOPS or CHANGES - watch them avoid looking into your eyes - people just 'don't want to go there', so they don't.

    Same thing with the cult experience.

    So I will qualify my answer and say that, in my personal experience, your empathy and validation is rare.

    t

  • bebu
    bebu

    (((((Paduan))))))

    I would like them to know about the delusion as well - for their own good of course - upturn their tables and drive them right out of the temple.

    Exactly my feelings... You are another person, together with your family, who are collateral damage. Your posts are very meaningful on this forum.

    Tale,

    The other thing they say is 'but you're so healthy'. I just grin and reply 'well, after 15 years of therapy, I HOPE SO'.

    LOL!! If not, you should sue for malpractise! J/K!! ...I grew up Catholic, and didn't have the same situation that your friends refer to; but then, I think my mom is a unique Catholic, able to see the forest and not just her own tree. Also, I think the west coast of the US is more relaxed. I still felt anxious to tell my mom, but she wasn't bent out of shape, thank goodness. Her only advice to me was, "Pay attention to the creed of whatever church you choose. If they share the creed, you'll be fine."

    You make a good point about rape victims. People who have suffered the same thing know better than the rest what kind of interaction is most helpful. I guess the rest of us all need lessons in what helps, what doesn't. And reminders that sometimes relationships require a deeper cost than we anticipated, and to be ready to pay it as best as we can.

    ...I saw Verdelle this morning. I told her I appreciated her talking to me yesterday, and shared with her about my little 'epiphany', about her suffering further because of finding no support. She smiled, and said well, she wasn't totally alone--her faith supported her. She told me that she didn't judge people for being unable to understand; she said it was just too hard to explain all the time, as it was practically beyond explanation. ...

    EDITED very late to add: HOW could I not state the obvious???!!?? Kick me!! Talk about a sin of omission...! Talesin, and how would I describe 3+ years of your being a rape crisis counselor? I helpd a crisis/suicide line for less than a year; that was rewarding, but draining. I think the emotional toll of being a rape counselor would slay me after 1 year!! God bless you for all that you do in giving care and concern in what I think is the most emotionally exhausting of all jobs. I hope you find your reward in seeing healed lives, and justice served.

    bebu

  • talesin
    talesin

    {{{bebu}}}

    You ARE an extraordinary person, Please take the compliment :)

    We all are learning all the time, huh? so true ...

    thanks

    tal

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