THE IDIOT`S GUIDE TO BECOMING A JEHOVAH`S WITNESS

Sparks

THE IDIOT`S GUIDE TO BECOMING A JEHOVAH`S WITNESS

GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING :The contents of this guide could cause mental illness.Possible
side effects include diarrhoea, dry mouth,constipation,confusion,fast heart rate,hair loss,headache,skin
rash,swelling of the breasts,loss of sexual desire,dizziness on standing,vomiting.
Some short quotes from Watchtower publications may cause drowsiness;If effected, avoid driving or
operating machinery. Consult you doctor if symtoms persist.

PREFACE
The over-view of this guide is to help these desiring to dedicate their lives (money & time) to the
Watchtower Bible & Trap Society to have a basic understanding of the religion, and whats required
of them to become a JW. Also it`s aim is to answer all those questions not found in any other book
or until Woody Alan makes a film called : " All you ever wanted to know about becoming a JW,but
was too frighten to ask".The chapters in this guide will cover subjects like; The History of the religion
and it`s roots.It`s doctrines, the congregation and members, common terms and phrases used like -
"The Awake! magazine is the equivalent to a PhD degree " and many other Butt clenching quotes.
This guide is far from complete or comprehensive YET, as others on this forum have yet to submit
their entries ( please be kind enough to post your vast experience and knowledge to this guide as you
will be helping many others....THANKYOU SO MUCH it`s greatly appreciated.Please do not await for
questions or proms, add to any part of this guide which isn`t covered by me or others at will.Thanks
in advance to all). If you are here to learn, please note that this guide is being composed by people
from all over the world.Any one with access to a computer can post here, this is the world-wide web,
so please expect the odd SANE or level headed person ,or a Liza Simpson type to come on and try to
muck things up; please just ignore them, their just go away. I`m just the Host, known as Sparks,this
is just the start.Please book mark this thread to return later tomorrow or in a few days time when others
have added chapters and more detailed information for you.Often people that post on this forum only
think of a really good thing to say after they have clicked-off......and forget which thread they was
reading, which is a great shame and loss to the world.... Okay, lets start:-

HISTORY OF THE WATCHTOWER BIBLE & TRAP SOCIETY
The 1800s saw the start of the industrial revolution, by the mid-1800`s steam power was the biggest
discovery of the century making paper and book production much easier.Steam trains,
known then as the"Iron Horse", was spreading across the globe like a spider`s web. The internal combustion engine was starting to be mass produced and sky-scrapers and big businesses shooting-up
all over New York and other major cities.This was the birth of the big-time capitalists...Money was the new
god...! Enter C.T Russel and other`s out to make the odd billion or two $.....
One day while thinking how he could sell-off his department stores, and invest it into a billion dollar
business like his mates, an old school Buddy popped into see him and to tell him of a new Mega-dollar
money making business, with very little out-lay etc.. ie ..RELIGION or run a Charity . " Brillant " said
Charlie, " We can even get the suckers to sell books and magazines for us, and not pay them a single cent,
and we can EVENget them to give US money, leave their houses/businesses/ land etc..to us in their wills,
not only that, but just think...NO taxes to pay-out either..ha , I`m starting to get a real stiffy just thinking about it...!!!!". ( more info please Guy`s, thanks in advance)

DOCTRINES AND BIRTH OF THE WATCHTOWER/ GOLDEN AGE

The main problem that faced Russel was coming-up with a religion that was different from the hundreds of others springing-up all over The States. Every-one was at it !!! The Mormans,Seven day Eventis,Zionists,
Latter Day Saints etc...etc..etc...( please add to list of other religions and major cults set-up in the mid 1800s)
So Russel desided to visit as many as possible and parasite bits from all of them . " Brilliant, this way I can
collect all the good stuff and teach it as my own.The suckers will think I`m the second coming......! speaking
of which........" ( more input please, thanks).

TYPE OF PEOPLE THAT BECOME JW
Back in the 1800`s the nearest thing to a television set was a Goldfish tank.So most people read just about
any-thing in them days.Plus people were much more God fearing then. Add the two together, when the
Bible-students or Russelites came a knocking, it was like manner from Heaven..! All the magazines were full
of doom and gloom, Armagedon, End of the world...etc...It scared the shit out of them.!
Over the years the numbers grew with the mathematics of the interbreeding and domino effect ofcourse.But then following two world wars and the baby-boom, the numbers mushroomed. So on to today:-
Children are forced to attend all meetings from birth, and forbidden to read or listen to other religions, and
trained to go door to door Bible bashin` . The Kingdom Hall has a meeting mid-week to brain-wash them into
becoming like their peers.( Brain washing is a joke term to all JWs, having never read books on the horrors of torture; see JW phrases).
Many people have suffered the nightmare of loosing a loved-one, either through death or divorce etc.. And seek peace and comfort from their pain.Unfortunately these some-times fall prey to the witness dying to have their very own Bible-study , which is a feather in their cap, ESPECIALLY for the congregation Brown-nose...( See: The Congration). Like all cult religions, newcomers are bombarded with love, this is the JW`s main tool of entrapment .( ask for info on books on cult religions ).Others like myself look at Evolution and feel insulted by some-one who says we come from monkeys! And we Engineers look at the design in nature, and ask questions like " How could a Neanderthol learn to make fire?"( If you`ve ever tried Bushcraft, your understand) and see the beauty in the Heavens etc...and know there is a Super Being up there.So we become filled with awe and love, and REALLY desire to know our loving Creator. And the witnesses SEEM TO agree with us, we let our hearts control our minds.Most people NOT born into the JW religion are 110% sinere.And a huge percentage of others are to, but get corrupted or HURT by arse holes in the congregations.As with many SAD people in the world who seek attention, becoming a JW is a great place to show-off to a captured audience.So obviously many go solely for that reason also. Then theres the power-tripers and other shit-heads like perverts etc...( Please add your views/ experiences, thanks).The list is endless.....

THE CONGREGATION
All congregations are the same.They all have a young pioneer sister, that thinks she`s God`s gift to men;
but really, out in the real world, she`s quite plain. Often if the brother`s all fancy her, it`s only because she`s
the only normal looking girl in the congregation.....all the others have a face like a Bull dog lickin` piss off a
stinging nettle! All congregations have a young male pioneer "reaching-out"( Brown-nosing to be a servant)
who thinks he`s God`s gift to EVERY-ONE either in Heaven or on Earth.Then theres the Perfect JW family, Mom /Dad,two spotty teenager kids and a baby. Sitting in the front row in their perfect cloths, reading
along in their perfectly under-lined Watchtower, answering-up with their perfect answers. Whenever theres
a need for a little demonstration of how to have perfect family Bible-study; their up there on the platform--
They NEVER-EVER miss a meeting.
One of the middle-aged sisters will be mega-MEGA over weight, she always comes in late, and woddles
down the aisle looking like a bouncy-castle from behind, her huge arms looking like a Sumo-wrestlers thighs
as they swing dangerously over ducking peoples heads.....Once shes sat down, the sweat starts. The whole
hall smells like an Arabs arm-pit, a mixture of fried-onions / Ammonia and battery acid.
All congregations have a weirdo, he also, always comes in late; usually singing " Onward Christian Soldiers"during the opening prayer......You can hear mutters of " PLEASE God, don`t let the Nutter sit next to me.....I`ll auxillary pioneer next month, I promise !!!".
The Pharisee`s....Oop`s. the Elders I mean,are better explained by others than me ( help please).Most
seem to get rigor mortis in their prime; After speaking to them for five minutes, DEATH suddenly
looses it`s sting..! Some just seem dead- set on have your privileges removed...(this brings a tear to the
eyes of most males in the congregation.....oooh..!!)The geriatric mentality of the Elders is passed-
on to the others in the congregation, especially the very young. Thus pioneers and others who want
to impress their peers dress-down,the world-class Brown noses get their clothes from Oxfam and other
Charity shops.That`s why you see young pioneer sisters wearing woolly over coats with huge buttons etc.. There is always a sister Desperate, Brother Brown-Nose (who has no self respect obviously.)Sister I Answer-up Better Than You, who repeats your answer better. The Presiding Overseer ( P.O) of the congregation is the most highly skilled Elder of them all.;He is HIGHLY-SKILLLED at avoiding people, just in case some-one has a problem! This is achieved by running around the
Kingdom Hall before and after the meetings acting very busy. Also the Native American ( Apatchy) worriers developed the art of walking while asleep, and sleeping with their eyes still open and moving about,
and their head nodding ,arms doing gestures etc. some have even progressed to being able to say "yes,oh
yeah I know... I know....." or " no," " your progressing very well " etc..etc..instead of snorlng..zzzzzzz. This skill was passed down to the P.Os : ( and C.Os/Distric Overseers etc..) So while their sitting on your
comfortable sofa listening to your problems, really their having a good kip........Most P.Os are really nice
guys, but cross one, and you will NEVER get on.If you move to another Kingdom Hall, your a MARKED
man or woman. Ministerial Servants are not cremated when they die, their just made-up to Elders.Ministerial Servants are just that bit more alive, that`s all, and full senile dementia hasn`t fully set in yet.... .Sister Middle-aged Elders wife is the most formidable person in the congregation.She is the one that gets
all the background info on you, especially any dirt, and passes it on to her Elder husband.She`s the one
that gives you filthy looks in the meeting, because her husband passed-on your confidential talk to her.Yes
she KNOWS why your in trouble or what that "little problem" you have is......
And ofcouse, there`s the congregation Clique: If your face does not fit, your out......
HOW TO PROGRESS IN THE CONGRATION:
After you have been baptized, you MUST stop asking questions. You MUST forget all that stuff about Jesus and His teachings..The Prodigal son etc... The less you mention Jesus Chriist the better, it`s almost a taboo subject and name.You will not get on acting like Jesus, talking to the elderly people, sick,depressed, poor,mentally backward.To progress, you must volunteer for EVERY- thing, answer-up every time, no matter what. Prepare to give all talks as a stand-in, just in case some-one shits out at the last moment or is sick. Copy the congregation Brown Nose, and you will instantly progress. Be a total arse-hole, lie,cheat and threaten voilence ( in private ) to any-one in your way.NEVER ADMIT any-thing , even under Oath to Jehovah Almighty God in the Heavens, using the Angels as witnesses in Jesus`s name and through Him.This is a favourite tactic for arse holes. If you are taken before the Elders, LIE,LIE ,LIE and look them in the eye, and bless the person who grassed you to the Elders, in front of them. This will get you made-up to a Servant, and the accuser MARKED as a trouble maker....( The witnesses will die rather than take a blood transfusion based on a single Scripture in
the New Testament[ Christain-Greek Scriptures] yet there`s hundreds of Scriptures through-out the Bible
about how Jehovah hates a liar). Also, to progress in the congregation, try bonkin` the POs wife. ( more
info on this chapter would be greatly appreciated....).

COMMON JW VOCABULARY AND PHRASES

Here for a quick starter, are a few very popular Butt clenching phrases Jehovah`s witnesses use:
[1] " I only own a television set to watch the wild life programs"

[2] " Yes that`s true,we have been brain-washed....( kingdom hall smile) we`ve been brain-washed
clean of all that worldly filth"

[3] "My only REAL family is at the Kingdom Hall"

[4] " ((( I ))) would rather Die, than miss a meeting!!!"

[5] " I`m ( cough ) iii I`M mm reaching-out "

{6} " Lucky ? don`t you mean..FORTUNATE..."

{7] " It`s better to be wrong with Jehovah, than right on your own"

[8]" Leave it in Jehovah`s hands"

[Foot-note: Some of the afore ..ie 7 & 8 was posted on one of my other threads. I can`t remember
all of the others, there were so many, all spot-on and perfect.Plus two quotes about the stereotypes
found in all congregations world-wide.THANKYOU ALL AGAIN. ]
To wannabe JWs, Please wait for other posters to contribute to this guide, it will take a few minutes
for them to type and download.I hope this guide will help you. Love to all. Sparks

Nosferatu

All congregations have a weirdo, he also, always comes in late; usually singing " Onward Christian Soldiers"during the opening prayer

LOL!!! I take it you've met my JW mother?

RunningMan

Don't they have to disclose side effects?

Sparks

Oh...come-on now Running man, when did the W.B.T.S dissclose any-thing...!!!???

Ha your Mum and mine would have made a great duo.! Noswferata. Now that, would REALLY freak the

Elder`s out....!

xjw_b12

Sparks Welcome back. A bit of a hiatus I see. Well that was quite the read, but worth it. Like your spin on things.

Question for you. Did you write that all at once, at one sitting, on the fly?

Sparks

Hi XJW_B12 ,thanks man, good to be back.I`ve been in hospital for afew months following an accident with my second-hand lap-top computer. No, I wrote it standing up.( I`ll explain:-)

Six months ago my old computer got a deadly virus.So I want to a car boot sale looking for a really cheap PC, wnen I spotted a HUGE metal lap-top made of 1" solid steel.It was painted in Army camafarge with the letters CCCP on the side with a crossed hammer and sickle. It ran on two car batteries, ie 24v. One evening just after having a shower, I got an E-mail from Razorblade with an attactment of a very rude lady....Suddenly the lap-top lid/screen slammed down on my pecker....oooooooh..!!!! The next day when I woke-up in hospial and looked under the sheets....well lets just say it wasn`t a pretty sight!!! ( I`ll never eat Kippers or Plaice again...!!! So here I am standing-up fully clothed....Thanks again, nice to read a post from you again..(.please never buy a Russian PC)

DevonMcBride

If only they would really publish a book like this.

Devon

TRUTH SEEKER

I am new here and this is wonderfull!

Please add: "You can smell Armageddon coming, it's like bad rain"

If I have to hear this one more time from my mother I think I will puke! By the way, my mom is the sister who repeats your answer better than you, and you need to add the description of the "young teen-age man who is only there because his mother has to drag him out of bed. He is the guy who is secretly popular in high school, his hair touches the back of his sports jacket, plays sports, has girl friends but at the KH he gives his one answer per meeting to get his mother, Elder, person who is studying with him off of his back OR he tries to melt into the chair hoping that NOBODY sees him.

Jill

Big Shooter

The best is at the dramas:

Billy: But what's wrong with a movie?
Dad: But an "R" rated movie?

Doorbell rings...

Dad: I wonder who that could be...
Mom (with an apron on): Let's see.. Well hello Brother elder!! How nice for you to come visit...

Children sit on their floor and gather around Brother Elder...

moses

Oh yes truthseeker I can remember my mom dragging me out of bed for those sunday morning meetings especially if you were out late on a saturday night. Sparks great post it sure is great fun watching everyone kissing a-- and trying to reach out I can't believe that level headed people will listen to these jokers.

THE IDIOT`S GUIDE TO BECOMING A JEHOVAH`S WITNESS

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