Making a smooth transition out of the org... is it possible?

Surfacing

Hello again friends,

It's been a while since I posted. Thank you again for your kind words and advice. I have enjoyed reading the many great and enlightening posts on this forum. Much has happened in the interim. I read Crisis of Conscience and was absolutely floored. My wife is now reading it as well and she is completely disgusted by religion and claims she doesn't believe the bible anymore. I think she feels betrayed... I still hold a firm belief in God and Jesus, and am sincerely trying to find out how to gain a REAL relationship with them.

We have repeatedly been emailed by a pioneer sister (and former pioneer partner of my wife's) in the hall. Since we've neither been to meetings nor in service she asked if she could check up on some of my wife's calls. She then asked if there was ANYTHING her or her elder husband could do to get us to go to meetings again. My wife immediately emailed her back ALL her calls' addresses and information, telling the pioneer sister she could do what she liked with them. I stole a few ideas from some posts on this forum and this is what we both decided to end the email with:

"Thank you for your concern for ~surfacing~ and I. Right now we are working things out and seeing a counselor. That is all I'm able to discuss at the present time. We really appreciate the love that everyone has given but are going to need some distance for a while. Thank you with lots of love, *********"

I was worried she might think the mention of the counselor would mean we are having marital difficulties (we aren't, ever since jumping off the treadmill we've been closer than ever, actually having TIME for eachother) but her reply just quoted Proverbs 18:24 and said she hoped that the distance we asked for didn't mean from the congregation (I suppose she is more concerned about that than their friendship?). She then gave the dates of the Memorial and the Special Talk coming up.

I really believe she is sincere, and feel sorry for having to reply in such a manner. My wife wasn't terribly close to her, all their association was basically service related. I'm terrified if we tell her the truth it will mean big trouble, her husband being super-elder and all. I'm planning on just leaving it where it's at right now... but I know our sudden distance from the congregation has come as a shock to everyone, and I'm doubtful they will just leave us alone. The elders have already arrived unannounced at our door several times (we haven't answered). We don't want to be rude to anyone, but I am terrified of the repercussions of just coming out and telling them what is really going on. Anyone else going through something similar? Any suggestions?

seeitallclearlynow

Hi there Surfacing,

I'm in about the same place as you and your wife right now, my feelings being somewhere between yours and hers with regard to religion and God and Jesus. So I'm letting the faith train just ride for awhile, to see where my feelings lead me.

Our situation is similar in that the brothers and my family members are still sincerely trying to reach me, wondering what is up and what I really feel about the organization. I haven't attended for a year now, and boy that year has gone by fast!! I can't believe it's been that long, but it has - the Memorial was the last meeting for me except a token attendance at a book study at the KH during a family visit awhile back.

I am very friendly when I see them coming around, genuinely fond of them and glad to see them, but I have no interest in explaining my current views or intentions to them. You are right, fully exposing our newfound understanding of the true nature of the organization would reap a whirlwind of trouble for us.

My own brother is so conflicted himself that he will warn me quite seriously that my ex-husband Elder Pharisee is "evil" and "dangerous" and in the next breath tell me that he likes him and enjoys him....

So I am avoiding their phone calls and fortunately they are unable to get to my door uninvited - for this I should be grateful I live in a "security" building instead of a nice home! Because I know that however well-intentioned they may consider themselves, they will not hesitate to do great social and emotional harm to me, in the false name of godliness, if they get me to reveal to them how I now view the organization they are (still) in.

The very best wishes to you and your wife! Keep reading here and make some friends!

Nocturne

I'm not going through something similar, but since I'm planning on officially leaving the organization soon, there are a few observations i would like to add. From your initial question, is it possible to make a smooth transition out of the organization, I believe you cannot unless you just move away where the local jw won't know you used to be one. However there is still the possibility of some family members who are still in contacting your local congregation and telling them where you are.

Do you have alot of family who are still inside the org.? If so, if you told the elders the truth about what is really going on, they might try to DF or DA you, and then you would face shunning from those family members. If you decide to just fade, and avoid the elders, you will have to watch your back constantly. What it comes down to, is what situation are you willing to live with because either option has negative consequences. If you fade, you will have to expect phone calls, or elder visits and be prepared to answer some questions ( and there is also the possiblity the elders will DA you if you answer that you don't believe it is the truth anymore), but if you get df'd, you won't get those phone calls, and won't have to answer for your actions, but you might be shunned by your family.

There is no easy way out of this organization, and that's why it's a cult. I wish you luck trying to figure out what you and your wife are going to do.

desib77

I have had sort of an opposite experience. I have faded away but eventually the brothers and sisters stopped contacting me. My mother is still very much "in" and will never leave me alone. I'm guessing maybe they decided since she is family they would leave it up to her to bring me back. Either way they finally left me alone. Now I've moved and further insured that they will continue to leave me alone. Now only one person to deal with and even though she is a tough one, I'm surviving.

Good Luck with your transition......

Desi

Sassy

They don't make it easy for you to leave. If you want out without being dfd or disassocated, then you should do what you are doing.. just not go to any more meetings, ignore calls and emails.. and as long as you are not doing anything disfellowshipable.. or an action that says you are questioning the religion, then slowly over time, they will chalk you up to inactive but not wanting help... and no doubt they may check on you from time to time any way..

franklin J

Hi surfacing,

welcome to the forum.

We have all been through it. You do not owe them ANY explanation. There is no need for you to meet with them, or discuss your feelings with them. Lucky for you both that you have each other. That is great. You can build a new life together.

If they corner you at the door; my advice is to always be polite and courteous; but firm in telling them that it is a bad time for you to speak to them--they will just have to come by some other time. You are too busy to make an appointment with them. Close the door. \

Your advantage is that you know how they think and operate; you know that you will never be able to win an argument or make them understand your perspective. Why bother engaging them in conversation?

Glad to hear you and your wife came out together.

regards, and be well

Frank

kls

Welcome Surfacing, i was in that same situation long ago ,i was fading but my husband was not. He would call the cult elders to talk to me,they would call on the phone ,come to the door anything to confront me. At first i was very polite and would tell them i am not sure what i wanted to do and they would leave only to call and return again unannounced. Finally the last time they came over i had enough. I told them go away and never come back and said tell all you're buddies the same. So if you are nice it is a invitation for them to come back or call ,if you tell them to leave you alone( and mean it) in a stern voice ,showing you mean it they will probably not be back.

bebu

Hi Surfacing (a great name!),

I think you are doing well so far, and have good advice. I can't really add to that.

I kind of wish, though, that your wife hadn't sent all those contact addys back to that lady. Why help anyone continue?

Perhaps those guys could discreetly be given notes with web addresses to freeminds, the SilentLambs, and so on... to stop the madness.

Just a thought!

bebu

Surfacing

hi bebu,

Yeah, I suppose we weren't really thinking... we just wanted to be done with it. Good idea.

Carmel

Can your walk away from the Mafia unscathed? NOT! Can the transition be smooth,, unlikely! Will you be happier in the end? Absolutely!

I had it easy. Left when I was 15 w/o wife, children or close friends. Made my own family, gained hundreds of true friends and have had a prosperous and fulfilling life and look forward to more of the same in the next life.

Wishing you strength and happiness. Fear not the machinations of the misdirected minions of Brooklyn.

Cheers Carmel

Making a smooth transition out of the org... is it possible?

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