Family Pain

MickeyP

My 28 year old daughter has been with her partner for the past 7 years. He has always been welcome in our home and has been a regular participant in our family celebrations. Yesterday, he was disgnosed with acute leukaemia and was told that without a blood transfusion, he would be dead in two weeks. He decided at that point to tell my daughter that he was a witness and could not accept treatment. He has now been discharged from hospital and they have returned to their home so that she can care for him until his death. He did not tell her about his 'faith' and has left her to deal with his death and the aftermath. How do I comfort my daughter and help her to deal with this?

Lady Lee

First my heart goes out to you and your family.

As if getting the diagnosis isn't enough he has to hit her with this too.

Obviously he doesn't go to meetings etc. That being the case he might be a tad behind in what they are allowed to accept regarding blood. There are some folks much more knowledgable about this than I am. Hopefully they will pop in.

In the meanwhile please take a look at the link http://www.ajwrb.org/index.shtml. You should find some helpful information there.

And feel free to stay and get the support you need

Scully

I'm so sorry for the pain your daughter and family are going through. Such a devastating illness with little or no hope for recovery without appropriate treatment.

It must be very confusing on many levels. For example, Jehovah's Witnesses are not supposed to enter into "partner" relationships (common-law, living together without the benefit of marriage). Period. It is especially frowned upon for them to enter into a relationship with someone who is not also one of Jehovah's Witnesses.

You mentioned also that he had been part of your family celebrations during the time that he and your daughter have been together. This is also a practice in which Jehovah's Witnesses are not permitted to participate.

Please have a look at the following website: www.ajwrb.org where you can find current information regarding the kinds of treatment options that are acceptable to Jehovah's Witnesses, that your daughter's partner may not be totally aware of. If he has been "inactive" for the last several years, he may not know of some significant changes to the doctrines that may impact on his decision.

Very best wishes for your family. Obviously you care about this young man very much and want to do whatever you can to help both him and your daughter.

Love, Scully

Ailla

He has been out a long time and probably doesn't know about all the changes the WT has made regarding blood transfusions.

http://www.ajwrb.org/

http://www.freeminds.org/doctrine/doctrine.htm

http://www.pennhealth.com/health_info/bloodless/blood_jchart.html

seeitallclearlynow

Oh MickeyP, I'm so sorry to hear this! What a tragedy; I rarely think in terms of what is "fair" since life is not set up to be "fair" generally, but in this case I have to yell out THAT IS NOT FAIR! I'm not judging him, he is a victim of the mind control mechanisms utilized by the JW Organization, but it's so sad for your daughter.

I'm just hoping that there is an update you can share with us about this? I'm hoping someone has been able to reason with him, or you or your daughter have looked at the links provided in the above posts? Have his family been involved?

Let us know if you can and thanks! My heart goes out to you and your daughter.

Sentinel

This is such a terrible thing to have to face, and complicated more by someone's "faith". Apparently, he became frightened at his "questionable salvation", and went back to the JW concepts about the blood issue/treatment. He knows the outcome because of his choice. I'm certain this was not easy for him either.

I feel so much for your daughter, who has had a relationship with someone who had not been honest with her all this time. She will need your support and love to deal with this turn of events.

...the time is so short.......

/<

Fe2O3Girl

Dear MickeyP, I am so sorry that you have found this forum under such sad circumstances. I really hope that you get some useful information through the links that others have posted.

Please let us know what happens...........

shera

Oh wow,I am sorry this is happening.That was so selfish on his part!

I have no advice,but my heart goes out to your daughter.You as well. *hugs*

RunningMan

I will never understand the convoluted logic of JWs. My relatives would not think twice about eating a sausage in a restaurant that might have blood in it, yet they would die rather than take a transfusion. Your daughter's partner has been breaking their rules for seven years, yet will die before he breaks a rule.

I will never fathom this. Someday, someway, someone will make them pay.

Abaddon

Ugh...

That's horrible.

First, he is a lapsed Witness. There is no way on god's green Earth he could be what a Witness would describe as a good Witness unless he spent 6 hours in meetings and 2 hours knocking on doors EACH WEEK, plus a good amount of time studying for the meetings... and I think your daughter would have noticed this.

Like many many people who grow up as a JW, he probably felt he coudn't cope with the demands of the religion and faeded away. What happens then depends upon the person and luck.

Some remain convinced at heart that they aren't good enough really, but that it is still 'the truth'. This means under certain stimuli all the old beliefs come boiling up. In this case I can guess that his thought processes are along the lines of

I have cancer
I'm gonna die
If I have blood god will hate me
If I don't then maybe by dying faithful I will get to wake up in Paradise even though I've not lived like a JW for x number of years

Others get the information they need to realise that the JW's are a damaging high-control group.

A high-control group is a cult; the JW's are not as bad as Moonies or Scientologists perhaps, but it is still the sort of religion where people are conditioned to believe using mind control techniques. Because it is subtle, and because a cultist will NEVER admit they are a cultist (and to their mind if you say they are a cultist you 'prove' you are a enemy), you are not going to get him to agree with you on this in the time frame we're talking about.

The ones who realise what JW's are have the courage to pull apart their beliefs and see the ignorance and fallacious reasoning that lie beneath the superficial logic.

To save this guy's life (he's a shit putting your daughter in this position, no matter how unfortunate his plight may be, but at the end of the day HE is the unrecovered ex-cultist. WE are the grown-ups), I think the point made by Ailla over the changes in JW doctrine regarding blood is an important one.

It used to be that if you had a blood transfusion you were disfellowshipped; this meant that no one who was a JW would talk to you (apart maybe from family). Now, to get them out of legal hot-water they have changed this to saying if someone has a blood transfusion (and is not really sorry about it), then they are effectively resigning as a JW (this means that no one who was a JW will talk to you (apart maybe from family).

Very little difference, but if you can get the literature that shows this WITHOUT GETTING HIM IN CONTACT WITH JW'S, then maybe he'll take blood and you'll be able to open the window to actually helping him get over the post-cult trauma that means he's willing to die for something he probably doesn't even believe in that much anymore.

I think this is a better thing to do than try and get into a doctinal fight with him; the doctrines rubbish and medically risable, but people still believe in it and you pointing out this to him will make him feel he is being persecuted for deciding not to have blood, which will make him feel he is doing the right thing.

If you get him in contact with JW's, they will validate the thought process I speculate on above. They will NOT encourage him to have a blood tranfusion and be sorry about it. Be careful; they train people to be part of 'Hospital Liaison Commitees' for this very situation.

I would start with this (from the AJWRB site but actually a BBC item);

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/790967.stm

See how he reacts. It might be that this sudden crisis has flared up long forgotten cultic programming, but that if the crisis can be managed then looking at a site like AJWRB will help him see clearly.

And good luck.

Family Pain

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