Have you ever been STUCK in an embarrassing situation where you think you`d rather die than endure another 30 seconds...? What IS IT with some of these witnesses!Okay so they are no part of the world,fine,but which world,which planet are they on..!!! (Ok, let`s start at the beginning).I was a witness for many years, so while I`m out shopping or working, I quiet often bump into pioneers and other witnesses who are out on their ministry.Some-times we just say "hello" and go in our seperate way`s; but often we will stop and chat for ten minutes or so.Some-times I have to-be ALMOST rude to get away from some,especially the pioneer`s who set the hours meter running as soon as we start talking.I am never rude to the witnesses, I was a pioneer myself and always try to put myself in other peoples shoes[ The Golden rule ].Sometimes I meet the odd Elder while in the town centre." Odd " is the key word here.Most of the Elder`s in my old congregation were Pharisee`s, they turned "straining the gnat" into an Artform...!!!Over here in England theres a fairly new fashion [or uniform] for pretentious-bigheaded-Know-all middle aged Prats.Usally they have a grey beard,wear a bow-tie,have a
waistcoat and carry a beaten-up old briefcase and generally try to look as much like a University or Collage Professor as possible.They buy hundreds of old books from boot sales so they appear well versed,ride a 1950s bicycle[which is held together with rust and Sellotape] and have a wicker basket on the front.While riding through town, they have a small battered rupsack on their back.Not forgetting the bicycle clips around their ankles and a sperm-shaped flurorescent lime green plastic helmet ofcourse...( While writing this I`m wondering if this fashion also came from the States?).
However, one of the Elder`s in my old congregation is really sincere,genuine and kind; I`ll just call him Ned Flander`s [ Neighbour of the Simpsons?]He`s about 55 and wears a normal suit-shirt and tie. Most people didn`t even realize he was an Elder until got up on the platform to read the congregations accounts,once a month.Okay now I`ve set the scene, this is what happend today.Just after mid-day I set off to the city centre to do a small electrical job,not knowing where the shop was; So I parked my van in the multi-story car park and set off on foot carrying a toolbox.While looking around, I kept seeing lots of flag poles hanging out from the shops with a flag I`ve never seen before.They were simular to the American flag in-as-much-as they were striped,but had all the colours of the rainbow without the blue square of stars on the top left hand-side.So I just though they must be from one of these countries in Europe.Over the past few years tens of thousands of refugee`s have been flowing into the United Kingdom.[ Just go`s to show what hell theses poor people must have gone through to want to come to England!!!].I`d never been to that part of town before, [being a witness until just a few years ago]. It was all night clubs, night cafes and strange named resturants -Gay Lord`s, Lesbo`s, [Shirt-tail lifters,The Butt Bandit or whatever...] After the penny dropped and I realized I was in some sort of China Town for Gay`s, I suddenly noticed EVERY-ONE around me was a Village People lookalike, all the blokes I thought were Hell`s Angels were Lesbian`s.!!I thought it strange-a Hell`s Angel having a shaved head.What a weird street I`d walked into,
even the pigeons were walking strangely.Apart from that, normally the pigeons jump or fly out of your way when you walk through them,these just steped to the side and gave you a filthy look!!! Suddenly I "Butched-up" and held my toolbox extra tight,just incase I accidently dropped it; I didn`t fancy dropping any-thing in THIS street, that would mean bending over..!!! The street was very crowded," where the hell do all this lot come from?" I was thinking to my self,as I shoved my A to Z map book down the back of my pants.It was a beautiful sunny day, "Maybe this is England`s version of California[Gay centre?] or whatever it`s name is".....SUDDENLY I felt a hot sweaty hand on my shoulder," Hello Sparkie !!!" aaaaaaah ( I swair I froze there on the spot for a good 30 seconds,it was as though the hand of the Grand Reaper had touched me on the shoulder aaaaaah.....I clenched my butt cheeks together so tightly it would have crushed a stone to powder...And would you believe it...I let go of my toolbox!).When I turned around,Ned Flanners was standing there with a huge smile on his face.He was carrying a bunch of flowers in one hand, and holding his fluorescent shocking pink Mountain bike in the other.He had a yellow sperm shaped helmet on, and one of these tight-TIGHT satin blue cyclist shorts-leotard things on.That was bad enough but as I bend down to pick-up my toolbox I came face to face with his "Lunchbox" aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh.....!>> it was HUGE.! What the HELL has he got shoved down the front of his shorts? a dead plucked Chicken?!!!It looked so gross really gggrrOsssss." Oh Sparks,Sparks,we`ve missed you so much, so very-very much".As Ned Flannder`s was speaking, a very loud Gay couple of males stopped beside us arm in arm,one of them tilted his head to the side as he raised his left shoulder-up and then puckered his lips, looking directly at Ned`s Lunch box, he said " uuummmmm nice ". When the other looked at me and said " She`s suchhhhh a SLUT !!!".I don`t think Ned Flannder`s heard a single word they said, he was going on and on about how he missed me.( While I`m praying " HELP! God get me out of here!!!!!) By the way,Ned Flannder`s has a nice full-time pioneer wife and two pretty teenage daughters...ie... very straight.Infact I don`t even think he really knows what homosexual means.The flowers were for some witness he was going to visit in hospital.As I said at the start of this post,I do not like being rude to witnesses,although some seem to be asking for it some-times,especially Sister Ohsospiritual,or some Supercillious Elder wearing a dicky-bowtie etc...But there I was stuck in the middle of Gay`s paradise with one of the nicest witnesses alive, who was totally oblivious to what was going on around him. After standing there for what seemed to be a couple of months, two lesbian`s started to have a row a few yards up the pavement [sidewalk] from us.One was tall and skinny with her back to me, her head looked like a tennis ball with huge ears sticking-out in all directions covered in scrap metal; the other one had the face of a Rottweiler with it`s head turned inside out.The language they were useing would make a cheap $2 [£1] whore blush.So fortunately Ned cut short and left quick in the opersite direction to me; then looking back, I saw several Queens following him....
HELP! God get me out of here!
by Sparks 12 Replies latest jw experiences
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Sparks
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Odrade
um, okay...where do I start? I guess we know where you stand now...
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Sunspot
(Wiping tears from my eyes) YOU are TOO funny!
I MUST print out your two posts from this evening, and tuck them away to read again when I'm having an "off" day.....guaranteed to make me smile!
hugs,
Annie
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five_crew
That was just too funny!!!!!
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Maverick
You should have caught up with those fellows and gave them your Dud friends telephone number and told them he thought they were cute and wanted to know if they were into the group thing? Tell them you are a straight friend of his and that he is a great guy!
Seriously, just put your hand up and tell the Dud you would just love to talk but you have to go. No one likes confrontation, but as a man you have to learn when it will serve you. Better to nail the guy right off than endure an hour of your life with WTS BS! Maverick
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Insomniac
Sparks, next time you find yourself in a "gay" neighborhood, just relax. You don't need to clench your butt cheeks together, or to refrain from bending over. Jeez, they're gay, not sex maniacs, and none of my friends of that persuasion are interested in recruiting members of our team. In the US, you could feel comfortable having a beer in a gay bar, if you happened to wander into one, and you would not be attacked.
Watch the movie "Hairspray" sometime. There's a scene where the mother of one of the girls ventures into a black neighborhood to rescue her daughter, who is just hanging out with her friends. The mom gets so panicked, rushing to and fro, making a spectacle, that folks just ended up laughing at her. Don't end up like her, ok?
It was a good story, though, and you're a very good storyteller-you got me giggling!
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Sparks
SORRY GUY`S ABOUT NOT REPYING SOONER,I`m having HUGE problems with my computer[ I`m useing a good friend`s to get a message to you] Hopefully I will be up and running again tonight, so will reply to each one of you then.So please forgive me,and hopefully you will remember to visit me later....Lot`s of Love( (((hug`s))) to Annie,and many many Thanxxx
Sparks
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nilfun
Watch the movie "Hairspray" sometime. There's a scene where the mother of one of the girls ventures into a black neighborhood to rescue her daughter, who is just hanging out with her friends. The mom gets so panicked, rushing to and fro, making a spectacle, that folks just ended up laughing at her. Don't end up like her, ok?
It was a good story, though, and you're a very good storyteller-you got me giggling!
Yeah, what Insomniac said, LoL.
Sparks, don't be skurred
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AuSet
Nice to see a fellow Sparky on the board. BTW, what do you mean your "toolbox" ??? We wear our tools on belts here in the US!! Its much sexier!
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Sparks
It`s Sunday morning, the sun is shining and all`s well on God`s beautiful Earth...!Even my computers running well.[pity about it being covered in teeth marks though!!!].I`m so sorry about not being able to answer your posts,but since starting this homaphobic thread my comupter keeps going down on me...I had to get a computer technician to reformat it.Any,I will now answer you all:-
Sunspot: Hi Annie,I`m so-so sorry about not being able to answer you sooner Sweetheart.I feel really rotten,please forgive me.Hey,you have a WICKED sense of humour....I think I`m in-love! ....Owwwww [the Mrs just belted me...old bag..Owwwww stop wil ya.]Sorry Annie;while off-line, I wrote another thread in this part of the bourd,and copy/pasted it and posted it,once I got a new ISP account set-up, so hopefully I`ll see you there.I`ll also keep an eye open for your threads and re-pay the compliments.thanxx again...)))BIG-HUG(((
five_crew: ...yeah I know.Witnesses have a knack of turning-up like a bad penny![in England we have public toilets with a penny meter to open the cubical doors.I always seem to have no change and so have to ask one the nice smiling-men hanging around the urinals for one,but their always bent...].Actually I was more worried about bumping into some -one like Ned Flannders than any-thing else,especially one those witnesses that love to take the spot light off themelves by digging-up dirt on other people or twisting the truth.Not that it`s that important now I`m out of their cult.Ned Flannerers can go any-where.Apart from his child-like innocense,he`s an (((Elder)))!Thanks five_crew,see ya later mate.
Maverick:Ha thanks for the post man.I`m flattered[Love your Threads].I was rolling on the carpet laughing at what you suggested I do..LOVE IT..your WICKED man!!![it wasn`t YOU that telephoned my Boss and said you`d like to leave a message for me saying; "Please could you ask Sparks to call me, as he missed his weekly visit to my office.I am Mr A.Hole his parole officer" was it?
Insomniac:Okay I`ll relax,thankyou.Because my comupters been down, I thought this was a good oppertunity to see the film you suggested.So I went down to Blockbusters video store.And came home with "Shampoo" starring sexy Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russel[ wow..that Goldie is soooo Hawny in that film.!! ...YES I know, I know,but I couldn`t get back on-line to read your post again.I`ll try to get "Hairspray" later today.[ I must be nuts,I know it`s only taking the piss out of me, but lets face it..I blooby ask for it!!!]Just in passing; 50% of my friends are black[ my black friend George is my best friend, his brother Dee is VERY gay in-as-much-as hes very proud of what and who he is] Theres not much chance of me wandering into a gay bar-I don`t drink and being a perv, can only be found near women in long summer dresses[here in England many women,I know,refuse to wear stone washed jeans with the ass hangin` out etc..]and being a horseman spend a lot of time with horsey-types.Not all electricains are like rough builders, I specialize.So unless gay people start taking up horse riding more,or you lot on this bulleting bourd don`t drive me to drink, theres not much chance.Returning to films though, have you seen " As Good As It Gets" staring Jack Nickleson and Helen Hunt? It`s one of the best films I`ve ever seen,it made me cry with laughter and cry when the gay guy got beaten-up.Even a world class homophobe like me just wanted to hug him and be his helper and close friend....Hey thanx again Insomniac, HAVE SWEET DREAMS tonight a...
nilfun:Oh..dear,by your username it seems you don`t laugh much.But I`m so pleased Insomniac got you laughing out loud..!!thats really great and I was having a laugh at myself also,so only sorry I didn`t catch your private joke;maybe after I`ve watched "Hairspray"a? No I wont be scared...hee hee. Thankyou for having a little giggle,thats why I posted this thread, for people to return the fire on idiots like me."If you can`t laugh at your self".....your a Sad person indeed.
AuSet: Hi ya mate! how you doing.Fellow Sparky a![ The cream of the Earth.Where would that lot be without us electricians a? back in the bloody dark ages thats where!Stuff the politicians etc..it`s us Sparkies that keep these countries running mate,YOU should be living in The White House and me in number 10 Downing Street!!]What do I mean "toolbox"? Well actually AuSet it`s very smart.It`s Aliminium,bit like a photographers case.Yeah we also have them sexy yellow leather tool belts,but mines too small to carry a Multimeter and Powerdrill in.Plus some of them lot mentioned above in that gay paradise,may think it`s a new Village Peoples costume!especially cos of us electricians being so bloody good-looking and muscular with all the sports we do at work;High volting/Relays/Curcuits/High wire etc..[I`m Positive thats Amp-le,I`d better come back down to Earth]... Hey, them belts are a good Bird puller though,a?!!! Thanks again for posting AuSet.See you later mate.
